These are Kyle & Tess quotes from the episodes.
I have no idea who saved these originally, but here they are.
1.17 Tess
Lies and Videotape
(Kyle enters
the Crashdown.)
LIZ: Oh, he came. Look, I�ve got to go talk to him about Tess.
MAX: He won�t listen to you.
LIZ: You know, he might. He trusted me once.
MARIA: Did you listen to him when he warned you about Max?
LIZ: I can�t let him just get sucked into this without trying. Uh, thanks
for coming. Can we talk?
KYLE: About what?
LIZ: Well, I saw you with that new girl, Tess.
KYLE: Oh, man! What a knockout, huh? Can�t beat a blonde. Oh, sorry.
LIZ: No, she is...she is really nice. What were you guys talking about?
KYLE: Why are you so interested?
LIZ: Well, it�s just that I�ve heard some things about her.
KYLE: Oh yeah, what things?
LIZ: Just, you know� the way she treats guys. She like leads them on, and
then she just drops them cold.
KYLE: Yeah� I guess it takes one to know one.
LIZ: Well, just be careful with her. You know, if I were you, I would just
stop seeing her altogether.
KYLE: What, is this like a jealousy thing?
LIZ: No.
KYLE: Ok, so it�s just an everybody-deserves-to-be-happy-but-Kyle thing.
LIZ: No. No, Kyle. It�s not. Please trust me, ok? I know it sounds strange,
but I promise you it�s for your own good.
KYLE: So it would really bother you if I just spent a little more time with
Tess? Say like we happen to have a study date later tonight, or something?
LIZ: Kyle, there�s things about her that you don�t even know.
KYLE: Well, I like what I�ve seen so far.
LIZ: Just don�t be alone with her, ok? She could be using you.
KYLE: That�s exactly what I had in mind, but just in case you�re right, what
about the library? Hmm? Think I�ll be safe there?
LIZ: The public library?
(at the
library)
KYLE: So...ancient languages� what does this have to do with our English
assignment?
TESS: Absolutely nothing.
KYLE: I was hoping you�d say that.
TESS: There�s just this one book I need for my history class.
KYLE: Well, what do you say we start speaking the most ancient language
known to man?
TESS: I think it�s on the top shelf. Would you mind helping me up? I�ve
almost got it.
KYLE: So, what language is this?
TESS: It�s a lost language.
KYLE: Then no one will mind if we don�t find it.
TESS: Time to go.
KYLE: But we just got here.
2.02 Ask Not
(Morning at
the Valenti household...Kyle's alarm goes off and he rolls out of bed and
immediately does some pushups)
KYLE: 2...3...
(Kyle walks out of his bedroom, looks around, and does a double take as he
sees Tess sleeping on the couch)
KYLE: Dad!
TESS: Morning.
KYLE: Yes, morning. What the hell are you doing here?
TESS: I live here.
(Tess looks at Kyle's boxers)
TESS: Calvin Klein. I approve.
KYLE: Dad!
(Kyle strolls
into his room to find Tess on his bed reading one of his magazines)
KYLE: Hey. This is my room and that's my jersey.
TESS: Sorry.
(Tess starts to take off Kyle's jersey)
KYLE: No! All right, look. You wear it.
TESS: Kind of uptight about nudity, aren't you, for a guy who reads Jugs?
KYLE: Give me that!
TESS: Oh...the post-its? Nice touch.
KYLE: All right. Ok, listen. I don't know how you do things on planet Vulcan
or whatever, but here on Earth we have this primitive human concept called
privacy.
TESS: Keep talking to me like that and I'll slag you with my death-ray eyes.
(Kyle looks a bit uncertain)
TESS: Kidding. You Buddhists have, like, no sense of humor.
KYLE: How do you know about that?
TESS: "Buddhism for Beginners" is also under your bed. How do you think the
Buddha would feel about being sandwiched between Hustler and Busty Biker
Babes?
KYLE: Look, you can't tell anyone about that.
TESS: Why?
KYLE: Because I have a certain reputation.
TESS: Of which, the less said the better.
KYLE: I'm serious.
TESS: Kyle Valenti, Buddhist.
KYLE: Look, I got into it over the summer...
TESS: At football camp. They're crazy about it.
KYLE: Listen! This...this whole aliens-are-among-us thing...it really
screwed me up...made me question stuff...life, reality, my place in this
universe...and you don't understand. You...you guys...you people turned my
life upside down. I need a little clarity. I need a little peace of mind.
TESS: No, I don't understand. I'm a girl from another planet. No family, no
friends. Only 3 other people like me in the world. And the man I grew up
with...the man who raised me...he was just murdered. You're right, Kyle.
What would I know about needing peace of mind?
(Tess leaves the room and Kyle is taken aback by her comments. He didn't
realize she might be going through the same thing he is)
KYLE: Sorry.
(Kyle enters
the Crashdown and motions for Tess to walk over to him)
TESS: Uh-oh.
(Tess walks over to Kyle)
TESS: So what have I done now?
KYLE: You know my...my father does consider this to be a very temporary
arrangement. You understand that?
TESS: Sure.
KYLE: All right. So in that case, I just wanted to tell you that I moved all
my crap out of the room. You can have it. I'll sleep on the couch or
something.
TESS: You didn't have to.
KYLE: It's not a big deal. Uh, material possessions only clutter the mind
anyway.
TESS: You tell 'em, Buddha boy.
KYLE: All right. I'll see ya.
TESS: Hey. Thanks.
2.03 Surprise
(Back in the
main Crashdown area, Kyle is complaining to his buddies about Tess)
KYLE: Seriously. So, she's got her underwear and her bras and her girlie
things all over the bathroom. Every time I go in to shave, I feel like I'm
walking into Victoria's Secret.
MICHAEL: So what's not to like?
ISABEL: Kyle, where is Tess?
KYLE: She went to Jensen's to get your present. Anyway, she's taken over
television, the computer, my phone. If some chick's gonna be yelling at me
about keeping the toilet seat down, she better at least be doing me.
(Mrs. Evans walks by and reacts to Kyle's last words)
KYLE: Doing me...a favor.
MRS. EVANS: Hi. I'm, uh...I'm Isabel's mom.
2.05 The End
of the World
(Switch to
Kyle's room in the Valenti household. Tess takes off a poster on the wall
and starts using her power to wipe away part of the wall)
KYLE: I thought I told you I didn't want you doing that bewitched crap in
the house.
TESS: Out of my room.
KYLE: It's my room!
TESS: You...you know what? Just...just forget it. I'm sick of this place,
and I'm sick of Max Evans.
KYLE: Don't toy with me.
TESS: I never asked to be his mate. He thinks I'm just gonna wait around
until he comes to terms with his destiny? Well, I'm not. He can figure it
out on his own. They all can. You know, they didn't even know where the pod
chamber was until I came along. I hate this life. I feel better.
KYLE: You look really great when you're pissed.
TESS: Yeah, right.
KYLE: No, I'm serious. I feel, like, all this energy coming from you right
now. In order to trim the lamp of wisdom, we must attend to our bodily
needs.
TESS: Let me tell you something, Buddha-boy...I got a lamp that needs some
serious trimming.
(The doorbell rings. Kyle goes to answer it. It's Liz. She's wants to talk
to Tess)
LIZ: Hi.
KYLE: Well, you here for a reason, or you just rushed right over 'cause you
sensed I might be experiencing some actual joy?
LIZ: Oh, uh, actually, I need to talk to Tess.
TESS (to Kyle): We'll finish trimming my lamp later.
KYLE: Right. I'll keep my equipment on the ready.
2.06 The
Harvest
(Max and
Isabel leave. Tess and Liz talk in the jeep)
TESS: So...you and Kyle.
LIZ: Yeah. Oh, Kyle...he told me that you two were, uh, getting involved.
TESS: Oh, it's ok, don't worry about it.
LIZ: I'm sorry.
TESS: About what? All you did was sleep with him. How was he, anyway?
LIZ: Oh, I, um...I...we...it was great.
TESS (with a surprised smile and a nod): Noted.
2.10 A
Roswell Christmas Carol
(Tess comes
back from shopping and sits down on a foot rest in front of the TV. Sheriff
Valenti and Kyle continue to watch the football game by glancing around her)
TESS: It is a zoo out there. God, every store is packed with desperate
people trying to find the perfect present. Oh, and the streets are loaded
with overzealous people singing. And then, there's all these insane people
dragging Christmas trees on top of their cars.
SHERIFF VALENTI & KYLE: Oh!!!
KYLE: Whoo! Oh!
SHERIFF: Hoo hoo hoo hoo!
TESS: But, clearly, you guys don't bother with Christmas trees.
KYLE: We've got ours out in the garage. Plastic.
TESS: Oh. Oh, well, I guess there's...no hurry to bring it into the house
then.
SHERIFF: Well, actually, we haven't brought it in for a few years.
KYLE: We like it in the garage. I use it to dry my socks.
SHERIFF: Good. Second down. Second down, here we go. Come on. Come on.
Visualize.
TESS: Oh, and about Christmas dinner. I hope you guys aren't planning some
big...
KYLE: We usually hit the Crashdown for turkey.
SHERIFF: $7.95 - all you can eat.
TESS: Great. You know, I don't celebrate Christmas anyway.
SHERIFF: Great. Oh, yes.
KYLE: Yes. Yes!
SHERIFF: Yes! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!
KYLE: Whoo!
SHERIFF: Ha ha ha!
(Switch to
the Valenti home where Tess is finishing up on setting the table. Sheriff
Valenti and Kyle are, of course, sitting on the couch watching TV)
TESS: Ok. I think we're just about ready. Oh, Kyle, could you grab 2 more
dining room chairs? I looked in the garage, but I couldn't find any.
KYLE: Oh, that's 'cause there aren't any.
TESS: Uh, what do you mean?
KYLE: Uh, we don't have any other chairs.
TESS: All we have are 2 chairs? Um, doesn't that seem a little odd to you?
SHERIFF: Well, we used to have more chairs, but over the years, our
collection has dwindled.
TESS: So it doesn't bother you that there are only 2 chairs in the entire
house?
SHERIFF: We usually eat in front of the TV.
KYLE: He's never gonna pick up this spare. Come on, look within, you putz.
SHERIFF: Guy's amazing.
TESS: I have been cooking for 20 hours, while you two have been sitting back
on the couch like 2 beached whales, not even noticing or caring that I am
living here. Ok. I am here. Hello. Hello? So, since I'm living here, I
should have a damn chair to sit in!
SHERIFF: We could bring my desk chair over.
KYLE: Good idea.
TESS: Oh, and, uh, where's Amy De Luca going to sit?
SHERIFF: Amy De Luca? Why does Amy De Luca need a place to sit?
TESS: Because...I invited her over to dinner.
SHERIFF: You what?
TESS: Well, I figured if we had a guest, you two would have to shut off the
damn TV and pretend to be civilized.
(Tess brings
another dish to the table)
KYLE: Is that 3-cheese potato gratin?
TESS: With bacon on the bottom. Your favorite.
(Tess heads back to the kitchen and Kyle stares at her for a moment)
~~~
(Kyle goes to the kitchen to help Tess)
~~~
KYLE: So you need me to carve that?
TESS: I got it. Thanks.
(Tess uses her power to slice up the turkey)
KYLE: Well, so this...this is really, uh...this is really great.
TESS: Well, I saw a break in the NFL schedule between the 22nd and 24th of
December, so I figured...
KYLE: Right. Well, this is the best Christmas dinner we've had in a long
time. I mean, 2 guys living alone. We just never really had the Christmas
spirit.
(Sheriff Valenti and Amy are laughing in the other room)
TESS: Well, it, uh, looks like he's got the spirit now.
KYLE: That's a really great gift that you gave him...to both of us, I mean.
TESS: This is a great gift to me, too.
(Tess brings the turkey out to the table)
AMY: Oh...
SHERIFF: Ooh...
TESS: There we go! Enjoy, ok?
(Kyle looks at the scene in the dining room and smiles)
(At the
ending scene at Midnight Service Kyle and Tess are sitting together, with
Tess sitting between Kyle and Sheriff Valenti. )
2.11 To Serve
and Protect
(Change to
Crashdown. Tess is having breakfast with Kyle. She pours Tabasco sauce on
her waffles with whip cream and strawberries, and in her orange juice.)
KYLE: That�s a very alien thing, isn�t it? The very sweet, very spicy?
TESS: Uh huh.
KYLE: Can I try a bite?
TESS: You won�t like it.
KYLE: Oh, I hope not.
(Kyle takes a taste)
KYLE: Oh my God.
TESS: I told you.
KYLE: No, no, no. It�s not completely horrible. It�s almost tasty.
TESS: Oh well, here. Have some more.
KYLE: No, no, I can�t. This is so wrong. I�m not ready for this.
TESS: Not ready for what?
KYLE: For the change. Not ready to be, like, a half-human, half-alien
freakazoid.
TESS: Uh, we prefer the term �hybrids�.
KYLE: I�m serious. Look, I never bargained for this. One minute I�m a normal
guy with my whole life ahead of me the next thing I know, Max Evans
transmogrifies me into something not-of-this-Earth.
TESS: Whoa, whoa, trans-what?
KYLE: Look, I never asked for this.
TESS: Well, I suppose he could have let you die. Is that what you want?
KYLE: If I had died, I would have transcended the mortal plane and been
reincarnated into the next stage of my life.
TESS: Reincarnated as what, exactly?
KYLE: Like, just another person or animal, maybe.
TESS: An animal? Like, you could have ended up a gopher or something!
KYLE: Look, we�re getting off the point. I really need some help.
TESS: What do you want from me? I don�t know what�s going to happen to you.
You know, maybe nothing will happen. Or maybe you could develop superpowers
and start flying all over Roswell in a big cape. I don�t know!
(Kyle reaches for Tess� waffles.)
KYLE: Could I have another-
TESS: No!
2.12 We Are
Family
(Kyle leaves
the office and takes a look at the paper. It does look like a report card.
Suddenly, the print starts to fade away. We see Tess waiting for him in the
hallway)
KYLE: Oh! What are you doing here?
TESS: I figured you might need a little help.
KYLE: Don't ever use your mind freeze.
TESS: Warp.
KYLE: Whatever! Your creepy powers on me again! All right? Off limits!
TESS: You know, a simple thanks for saving my butt would be quiet
sufficient.
KYLE: I mean it.
(Kyle and Tess leave)
TESS: There's
meat loaf in the bottom drawer.
KYLE: I found it.
TESS: My stuff's packed. I'll be gone after school.
KYLE: What?
TESS: Last night, when you said we'd moved in and taken over your life, I
realized you were talking about me. I'm sorry I overstayed my welcome.
KYLE: Tess, don't leave.
TESS: It's ok, you know? You have the right to protect your family.
KYLE: You're part of the family I was trying to protect. As far as I can
see, you're the only good thing about having an alien in my life.
TESS: Kyle?
KYLE: What?
TESS: You're definitely my favorite human.
KYLE: Yeah, well...you're my favorite Martian.
2.15 Viva Las
Vegas
TESS:
Michael, hey, I hope you don't mind, but I invited Kyle on our trip to
Vegas, 'cause you know, he's been really a stand-up guy, and he did,
technically, save the world from the crystals and everything.
MICHAEL: (Looks at Tess with a "what") "Our" trip?
TESS: Yeah, and I just wanted to let you know, too, that when I first moved
to town I felt like a complete outsider, you know, no friends, barely any
family, but you really helped me feel welcome. And this trip you know --
wow! (she jumps up and down) It's just so great of you to organize it for us
all, and we can all use some time away, plus, I've always wanted to go to
Vegas! So can I tell Kyle it's okay?
MICHAEL: Sure I'm glad to have him. And you, by the way.
TESS: Thank you.
TESS: (To
Kyle) We're dancing. (She pulls him onto the dance floor.)
2.16 This
Heart of Mine
2.17 Cry Your
Name
2.18 It's Too
Late and It's Too Bad
2.19 Baby
It's You
2.20 Off the
Menu
2.21
Departure
|
