These are Michael and Maria quotes from the episodes.
I have no idea who saved these originally, but here they are.
00
Pilot
(Michael puts his hand
on Maria's chest to pretend to bring her back to life after the make-believe
accident in the attempt to throw Valenti off of Max's trail.)
1.01 The Morning After
Michael peers in the
window of the Crashdown right after Maria's spew about the Czechoslovakians
and Maria says, "OK, that guy creeps me out."
1.02 Monsters
Isabel dreamwalks into
Maria's dream. Maria is dreaming about the aliens and Michael is dressed in
a suit and looking handsome. When Isabel comments about this she says, "When
he's dressed like that, it makes me feel much less afraid." Then he turns
into an ugly creature and starts strangling her.
1.03 Leaving Normal
No M&M moments.
1.04 Missing
No M&M moments.
1.05 285 South
(Maria arrives at the
gas station)
MARIA: You can't just make up answers.
MICHAEL: Who said I'm making 'em up?
MARIA: You do not watch "The View".
MICHAEL: Keeps me in touch with my feminine side.
MARIA: Fine...you know what? I will just make up the answers for you. Help
me with the box.
MICHAEL: Bad back.
MARIA: C.O.D. That's 126 bucks. And, uh...cash is preferable.
MARIA: He's stealing my car...you're stealing my car.
MICHAEL: I'm borrowing your car. Now get out.
MARIA: You're telling me to get out? This is my car. Actually, it's my
mother's car, and if anything happens to it, life as I know it will be over.
So, wherever it goes, i go.
MICHAEL: Fine. You had your chance.
MARIA: Oh, my God. You're kidnapping me. No, wait, you're abducting me!
(Liz's cell phone rings)
LIZ: Hello. Maria, is that you?
MARIA: It feels kind of strange, you know? Being alone in a car with you.
LIZ: In a car alone with who?
MARIA: Not knowing where we're going, when we'll be back.
MICHAEL: Do you always talk this much?
LIZ: Was that Michael?
MARIA: Liz says I talk a lot when i'm nervous. Very nervous.
LIZ: You're nervous about being in a car alone with Michael?
MARIA: So, how far will we be going? South on 285, huh?
LIZ: South on 285?
MICHAEL: What are you...
(Michael sees Maria's cell phone)
MICHAEL: Great.
(Michael tosses Maria's phone out the window)
MARIA: You...you are
going to be arrested.
MICHAEL: For driving to Texas?
MARIA: Across a state line with a minor? In a stolen vehicle? There are
laws, you know. And that cell phone you just tossed? Vandalism of personal
property. God, I just...I knew you had criminal tendencies. You even drive
erratically.
MICHAEL: What's exactly wrong with my driving?
MARIA: I told you not to go over 80. The engine won't take it.
MICHAEL: Maybe it's just tired of hearing you talk.
MARIA: Oh, so what? What's in marathon? Contraband? Some woman? What?
MICHAEL: You wouldn't understand. You don't understand anything about us.
MARIA: Listen, I already know more than I want to, ok?
MICHAEL: See, it's all about you, isn't it? This could be the most important
day of my life and all you care about...
(Police siren sounds and a squad car pulls behind Maria's car)
MICHAEL: Are you happy now? Go ahead, tell 'em I kidnapped you and I stole
your car. I mean, what's one more arrest on my record, huh? Damn it!
MARIA: What do you mean, this could be the most important day of your life?
MICHAEL: Forget it.
MARIA: You have 20 seconds to convince me.
MICHAEL: See this place? It's the first real connection we've ever had to
finding out where we come from and it's in Marathon, Texas. If I don't get
there, or if somebody else gets there first, the only link we've ever found
will be gone.
OFFICER: 94. Where you going in such a hurry, son?
MARIA: I've really gotta pee. See...I, I've...I have this like really weak
bladder condition and I drank a big gulp at the last station, and it had
caffeine, you know, so it makes me have to go even more. So he was just
driving really fast so we could get to the next station so i could pee.
OFFICER: Could I see your license, please?
MICHAEL: Of course, officer.
OFFICER: There's a drive-thru about 3 miles up. Nice clean rest rooms. And
watch your speed.
MARIA: You owe me big.
(Scene switches back to
Maria's car)
MARIA: Did you pull on the chokey thing?
MICHAEL: Yes, I did pull on the chokey thing.
(Car sputtering)
MARIA: Hurry, just do something. Go!
MICHAEL: Don't tempt me.
MARIA: Come on. Wiggle your nose, blink your eyes, do the Samantha-Jeannie
alien thing. Come on.
MICHAEL: I can't.
MARIA: Why not? Come on! If there's ever a time to have secret powers, now
is the time.
MICHAEL: They're not secret powers.
MARIA: I don't care what you call 'em! Just use them and get us out of here!
MICHAEL: I'm not that good at it, all right?!
MARIA: Figures! Hah!
MICHAEL: Your car sucks!
MARIA: And so do you.
(Michael tries to fix the car but winds up blowing up the engine)
MICHAEL: Now that I'm humiliated, and the battery's fried, I'm gonna take
the back seat.
MARIA: Wait a minute. Ok. You kidnap me, and you blow up my car, and you
expect me to spend the night in here with you?
MICHAEL: Not exactly my fantasy evening either.
MARIA: Don't touch that. It is sensitive!
MICHAEL: Can you shut up?
(A green alien inflates in one of the boxes)
MICHAEL: Well, that's nice.
MARIA: What? What? My mother makes them. What? Where you going? Where are
you going?!
MICHAEL: See that motel over there? I want to get some sleep.
MARIA: No, Michael. Wait!
(Maria and Michael enter
the motel room)
MARIA: It's like the porno version of Aladdin.
MICHAEL: At least it's warm.
MARIA: I don't even want to think about what I could catch in here.
MICHAEL: You know, if you stop being such a princess about things--
MARIA: Princess? No, no. I think I've been a pretty good sport up until now,
but I'm cold, and I'm hungry, and I'm in some nookie motel with a guy I--I
barely even know, and I...and I just--I really want to go home right now.
(Michael's expression softens as he looks at her)
MICHAEL: Why don't you stay here? I saw some vending machines outside. I'll
go see what they have. Lock the door.
(In motel room, Maria
and Michael are asking each other questions)
MARIA: So, do you get hungry just like the rest of us?
MICHAEL: Yeah. Of course I get hungry.
MARIA: What, uh...what other human urges do you feel?
MICHAEL: Not if you're the last woman on Earth.
MARIA: Ditto. And so you'll know, I am not gonna be getting an "F" on this
assignment, so...you better start answering some questions. Right now, pal-ly,
and I mean for real. So, favorite ice cream flavor?
MICHAEL: Pistachio.
MARIA: Pistachio...favorite TV show?
MICHAEL: Win Ben Stein's Money.
MARIA: Ok, favorite book?
MICHAEL: James Joyce...Ulysses.
MARIA: You have not read Ulysses.
MICHAEL: "What incensed him the most was the blatant jokes of the ones who
pass it all off as a jest, pretending to understand everything and in
reality not knowing their own minds." Page 655...told you you wouldn't
understand. Next question.
MARIA: All right, if you're so smart, then how come you fail every class in
school?
MICHAEL: What number is that?
MARIA: It's my own personal question, ok?
MICHAEL: I don't answer personal questions, ok?
MARIA: All right, fine. Then maybe it's the answer to number 16. What are
you afraid of?
MICHAEL: I hate this. This is stupid.
MARIA: All right, how about just one personal question? You know, since I
didn't turn you in back there. Why is it so important to you to find out
where you come from?
MICHAEL: Because there's gotta be something better out there for me than
Roswell, New Mexico.
(Maria smiles)
MICHAEL: You think that's funny.
MARIA: No, no. It's just, um...when i was a kid, I used to stay up at night
and, um, make up stories about my father...you know, and who he was
and...what he was doing. And they all ended exactly the same way. He would
come in a limo and pick me and my mom up and take us off to some exotic
place where we'd live like royalty. Because, you know...I thought to
myself...there's got to be something better out there for me than Roswell,
New Mexico.
MICHAEL: Substitute a spaceship for a limo, and you know what i mean.
MARIA: Yeah. I...I'm, uh, I'm getting kind of tired.
MICHAEL: Yeah. It's been a long day, huh?
MARIA: Yeah.
MICHAEL: I don't suppose we could share?
(Maria comes up right next to him and looks him in the eyse) MARIA: Not if
you were the last alien on Earth.
(Maria, who was sleeping
on the bed, is awakened by the door opening and rolls onto Michael who was
sleeping on the floor)
MARIA: Aah!
LIZ: Maria.
MARIA: What are you guys doing here?
LIZ: Um...well, we thought you were in trouble, but...yeah...I guess we're
wrong.
MARIA: No no. You don't think--I mean, that is, like so unreal! I
mean...come on, would you tell them?
MICHAEL: Come on, honey, we don't have to lie.
(Maria gasps in disbelief and starts to hit Michael)
ISABEL: I believe you. The day Michael calls anybody honey, it's all over.
(Michael is trying to
get a vision from the key, but isn't having much success)
ISABEL: Try holding the key again.
MICHAEL: Nothing.
MARIA: Try it again.
(With Maria next to him, Michael sees a blurry image of a hidden room)
1.06 River Dog
(Michael and Maria are
driving back in Maria's car)
MICHAEL: What?
MARIA: No, it's just kind of funny how surprising things can get. All this
time that I've known you, I've just always thought of you as, like, this
guy, you know. Like this weird guy from the other side of the tracks going
nowhere in life, which, of course, you know, you still are that but...what i
didn't realize was that there's this whole other side to you.
MICHAEL: What, that I'm from--
MARIA: Well, clearly there's that, but putting that aside, underneath that,
um, weird, poorly bathed exterior, there's, like, this whole...deeply
wounded, vulnerable guy.
MICHAEL: Listen, all right, in terms of what happened yesterday between us,
that was just we were on the road. All right, we talked. That's all over.
MARIA: Of course. Wait. You think something happened between us?
Maria later tells Liz,
"Nothing physical, although it wasn't very verbal, either. What Michael and
I share, well, it's non-verbal. Michael is the type of person my mom likes
to refer to as a vibrator." And Michael tells Max about 'that Maria girl,'
"She's got this whole thing. She's a real vibrator. She sends out these
vibes. It's..."
MICHAEL: I'm telling
you, the plan sucks the big one, all right? They're out there on my vision
quest, and I'm sitting here in the kitchen with 2 girls yakking.
MARIA: Interesting, um, Michael. You know, some women of the, uh, 20th
century might find that last remark just a tad bit offensive.
MICHAEL: Why?
MARIA: Why?
ISABEL: Welcome to Michael-land.
ISABEL: We all like
things extremely sweet mixed with extremely spicy. It's our little dietary
quirk.
MARIA: Well, I'll have to, uh, keep that in mind.
MICHAEL: You do that.
ISABEL: Are you 2 flirting? God, could my life get any worse?
MARIA: I just...I wish
you would say something.
MICHAEL: Say what? What do you want me to say?
MARIA: I don't know what. Just say something, you know, to make me feel
calm, to make me feel like it's gonna be all right.
MICHAEL: Maybe it's not gonna be all right.
MARIA: Thanks, that helps a ton.
MICHAEL: What do you want me to do?
MARIA: I don't know.
MICHAEL: Shut up, then!
MARIA: I...I hate you!
MICHAEL: Ditto!
MARIA: You know, all I ask of you is just to try to make me feel better, you
know, be a guy or whatever. Forget it. I have obviously tried to bark up the
wrong tree.
(Michael kisses Maria)
MICHAEL: That was to calm you down.
MARIA: Thanks.
(Michael and Maria walk off in opposite directions)
1.07 Blood Brothers
MARIA: Hey.
MICHAEL: Hey.
(There is an awkward silence) MICHAEL: Better go. I'm gonna be late for
class.
MARIA: You're avoiding me.
MICHAEL: I'm not avoiding you.
MARIA: Oh, the classic signs, Michael. Not looking me in the eye, lying
about motives...
MICHAEL: You know what? Fine. If it's gonna shut you up, I am avoiding you.
Watch me continue that thought, all right?
(Maria's cell phone rings)
MARIA: No way. Stay.
MARIA: You don't trust
me. That's it, isn't it? You don't trust me. You give Isabel the real job
because I...
MICHAEL: You're gonna get us caught is what you're gonna do. Now stay watch
and shut up.
MARIA: This is the second time you've dragged me to some cheap motel.
MICHAEL: Yeah, well, don't spread it around. You'll ruin my reputation.
MARIA (to Liz): We'd
still be there if I hadn't picked up the phone and dialed. And of course he
takes this opportunity to lean in as close to me as possible.
MICHAEL (to Max): So I could barely hear, because she was hanging all over
me trying to listen, but there's no way I wouldn't recognize that voice.
MICHAEL(referring to
Topolski): Never trust a blonde.
1.08 Heat Wave
(Lots of making out
going on in this episode.)
MAX: Listen, I was just
wondering if we could talk about something.
MICHAEL: Sure.
MAX: Just in terms of you and Maria. There isn't...I mean, nothing's been
going on between you two...has there?
MARIA: We were just sucking face.
LIZ: Look, I am sure that you're saying to yourself, "just go for it",
right? I mean, sure, you see everyone else going for it. Suddenly there is
this heat wave, and everybody is going for it.
MICHAEL: I just figured, go for it, you know? I don't know what I was
thinkin'.
MAX: You know, I just thought we had guidelines about this. We agreed to
discuss before we acted on any...you know, urges.
MICHAEL: Well, I hate to tell you this, Max, but when i have urges, you're
not exactly the first person I think about.
MAX: Yeah, I realize that. But the point is, we can't let things spin out of
control. I mean, sure, it starts as a kiss...
MICHAEL: It's more than that.
MAX: How much more?
MICHAEL: I don't know, Max. It feels so wrong, but it feels so good.
LIZ: It feels good? What is going on here? You and Michael. Kyle and Vicky.
Ms. Hardy and Mr. Krewlick. Look, the point here, Maria, is that I don't see
you and Michael together. Do you two talk or do you just like...
MARIA: Of course, we talk.
(Maria and Michael are
making out in another room)
MARIA: Shouldn't we like, talk or something?
MICHAEL: About what?
MARIA: I don't know, you kinda just pulled me and dragged me in here.
Shouldn't we at least like exchange pleasantries?
MICHAEL: How're ya doin'?
MARIA: Fine, and you? So, did you hear about this party Friday night at the
old soap factory?
MICHAEL: I guess.
MARIA: Are you gonna go?
MICHAEL: I don't know.
MARIA: You don't know?
MICHAEL: Friday's like years from now.
(Max walks into the
men's bathroom and finds Michael waiting)
MAX: Hey.
MICHAEL: Hey.
MAX: What's wrong? Maria?
MICHAEL: It has gotten complicated. Suddenly, she wants to know where I'm
going after school. She wants to have conversations. She wants to talk about
my feelings. And now, she wants to go to a party together.
MAX: That thing at the old soap factory?
MICHAEL: Right. Like suddenly the eraser room's not enough. I can't let this
become a public thing. I mean, she should know that. But all week long I've
had this weird feeling. Like I was gonna hurt her or something. That just
being who I am is gonna hurt her.
(At a secluded part of
the soap factory, Maria confronts Michael)
MARIA: You've been ignoring me the whole night. Look, I'm not some pollyanna,
ok? I don't think what we have is true love. I don't know what we have. I
just...I don't understand why you have to avoid me. It hurts, that's all.
(Michael is silent)
MARIA: Fine. Good-bye.
(Maria turns to leave)
MICHAEL: I just don't really do this.
MARIA: Don't do what?
MICHAEL: Get intense like this.
MARIA: I'm not getting intense.
MICHAEL: Yes, you are.
MARIA: Well, you got pretty intense the other night at the Crashdown.
MICHAEL: Sorry, I can't get this involved. I'm alone, and that's the way
it's gotta be. Maybe we should've never started this.
MARIA: I'm gonna go outside and get some air.
1.09 Balance
(Max and Michael enter
the Crashdown)
MARIA: Well, if it isn't Prince Charming and Quasimodo.
MARIA: What are you
doing?
LIZ: Max likes cherry cola. What does Michael like?
MARIA: Cherry cola with arsenic?
MICHAEL: Can we please leave? All right? I'll buy you a whole one at the
House of Pies.
MAX: What's your problem, Michael? I thought maybe you'd want to see Maria.
MICHAEL: We kind of broke up.
MAX: What? Why didn't you tell me?
MICHAEL: Look, I don't...I'm not sure if we did or didn't. I mean, it's
confusing.
LIZ: Cherry cola. On the house.
MARIA: Yours is $1.25.
MICHAEL: Guess it's not really confusing anymore, is it?
MARIA(to Alex, who just
found ou the truth): Yeah, well, the first couple of days were pretty tough
for me, too, but trust me, they will not hurt you....I mean, physically.
MARIA: Isabel. One piece
of advice, ok? Don't get involved with them. I mean, look at me and Michael.
Granted, the passion was outrageous, but in the end, they're pretty
heartless.
LIZ: I don't think that
we should talk about it.
MARIA: Are you kidding? We have to talk about it. We're the only 2 people in
this world capable of having this conversation.
LIZ: That we know of.
MARIA: Don't complicate things, ok? Who wants to go first? Fine, I'll start.
I'll start. It was...explosive.
LIZ: Yeah. Uh, that's a really good word.
MARIA: Right?
LIZ: Ok.
MARIA: It was like every cell in my body felt the same cell in his and
started heating up.
LIZ: And I got really dizzy. Did you get dizzy?
MARIA: I get dizzy just thinking about it.
LIZ: Ok, you know like all of that time that I spent with Kyle...I didn't
have any of those feelings that I did when I was with Max. What about you?
MARIA: Doug Sohn in the eighth grade?
LIZ: Yeah.
MARIA: Amateur. Michael is the real thing.
LIZ: Ok, now, here is the big question. Do you think that we feel like this
just because of the fact that they're like...
MARIA: Oh, their non-human status.
LIZ: Right.
MARIA: What if they've like ruined it for us with anyone else?
LIZ: Yeah.
MARIA: Leave it to Michael to just wreak havoc on the rest of my life, even
though he wants no part of it.
LIZ: Maria, he'll change his mind.
MARIA: I don't think so. And besides, I've come to the conclusion that it
can never happen. I mean, human-alien relationships are bound to be
disasters. Just don't think that you can enter into something with Max and
expect not to get hurt in the end of it. I mean, me? I'm teflon, babe.
Michael starts acting like a total loser...I just walk away. But you and
Max, ah. You guys have got that whole...look-into-my-eyes soul mate thing.
LIZ: Um, yeah, you know, this...this whole thing is just, it's gonna work
out. We just have to be prepared for anything that comes our way.
MARIA(to Isabel): I care
about him, too, you know.
(Everyone starts to
chant softly. We see Michael wake up in another place and each of the
participants in the ritual walk up to him and greets him. Maria kisses him.
We see images of Max, Michael, and Isabel when they were in the desert. Max
reaches out his hand to Michael who is hesitant to take it. In the end,
Michael, Max, and Isabel walk away hand-in-hand. Back in the cave, Michael
wakes up and pulls the webbing off of himself.)
1.10 Toy House
MICHAEL: You used your
powers in front of your mother? That is not fine.
MAX: Michael, I'm handling it, all right?
MICHAEL: Well, I hope so, because dealing with frick and frack (referring to
Liz and Maria) over there is one thing, but we can't bring adults into this
and expect them to handle it. Adults are the enemy, Max. Remember that.
LIZ: Hey.
MAX: Hey.
MICHAEL (to Maria): Hey.
MARIA: Yeah, whatever.
(Maria and Michael walk off in opposite directions)
LIZ: Go, comets! Whoo!
MARIA: Boys, boys.
(Comets make a basket)
MARIA (standing up): Whooohhh!
MARIA: I'm sorry. I retract...that last "whooh."
MICHAEL: Humans.
MAX: What?
MICHAEL: How excited they get over someone throwing a ball through a hoop.
It's ridiculous.
(seating shifts so that
Michael and Maria are now sitting next to each other.)
MICHAEL: How you doin'?
MARIA: Fine. Hey, Elliot, can I switch seats with you?
(In the woodshop work
area, Maria is having problems with her project)
MARIA: Damn!
(Michael has been observing Maria from across the room)
MICHAEL: You're doing it wrong. You're gripping the wood too tight.
MARIA: Look, I know how to grip, ok?
MICHAEL: Apparently you don't.
MARIA: Look, I have to finish this, all right? It's my final project, and
it's a disaster, so...
MICHAEL: It doesn't look that bad.
MARIA: Oh, yeah. I'm a regular Bob Vila.
MICHAEL: No, I'm serious. I mean, it's actually pretty good. Once you put it
together, the shoes can go right...
MARIA: Shoes? What do shoes have to do with this?
MICHAEL: You're making a shoe tree, right?
MARIA: No. I'm making a napkin holder.
MICHAEL: Oh. Well...sure will be nice once you put it together.
MARIA: Look...do you have something you want?
MICHAEL: I just saw you in here and I wanted to say hi, but...apparently it
was the wrong move. I'll never do it again. Sorry. Good-bye.
MARIA: Fine. Run away. Perfect.
MICHAEL: What the hell's going on with you? All right, I mean...what did I
do?
MARIA: Nothing. That's the problem.
MICHAEL: What?
MARIA: Michael...we saved your ass. Ok? You were all flunked out, sweating,
you know, running 112-degree temperature and, like, dying. I could have
walked away and never looked back. But I didn't. I did not walk away. There
I was, dragging your sweaty, gross body through the Indian reservation, you
know, getting my clothes all muddy and...and worrying. 'Cause, you know,
I...I really...I thought...you weren't gonna make it. Look...I went out on a
limb for you...and you hug Max and Isabel, and it's all about the three of
you. I mean...I mean, were you...were you even gonna thank me?
MICHAEL: Thank you.
MARIA: It's too late, pal.
(Maria is fiddling
around with her woodshop project at a picnic bench and Michael comes up to
her)
MICHAEL: Interesting.
MARIA: What?
MICHAEL: This whole idea that I have to apologize to you. What's that really
about?
MARIA: What is it about?
MICHAEL: I'll tell you what it's about. It's a tactic.
MARIA: Oh, it's a tactic.
MICHAEL: That's right. It's your way of making me think that I owe you
something, that I'm indebted to you. Let me tell you something. I'm not
indebted to anyone.
MARIA: Interesting. You know, you should get yourself massive doses of
therapy, like immediately.
(Michael grabs Maria's woodshop project)
MARIA: What are you doing?
MICHAEL: I'm gonna fix this stupid thing and call it even, all right? So
what color do you want, huh? Green? White? Blue, maybe?
MARIA: Give it.
MICHAEL: No way.
MARIA: Give it to me. Give it to me.
(Maria and Michael try to gain possession of the "napkin holder" and wind up
pulling it apart)
MARIA: No...great.
MICHAEL: What is your problem?
MARIA: It's cheating. You can't just wave your hand over a problem and make
it go away. Why don't you figure out what's really going on with you,
Michael...why you can't just piece together an apology like any normal human
being. Oops. Maybe that's the problem.
(Maria opens her locker
to find a beautifully made napkin holder. There is a note attached to it
that reads "Handmade by Michael - Thanks")
(Michael has been waiting in the hallway for Maria to come out of class)
MICHAEL: Hey.
MARIA: Hey.
MICHAEL: So you get your final assignment evaluated?
MARIA: Yeah.
MICHAEL: How'd you do?
MARIA: I flunked, as predicted.
MICHAEL: What?
MARIA: Yeah. I guess I can, uh, safely rule out any career paths involving
wood.
MICHAEL: Didn't you get my thing?
MARIA: Yeah, I got it.
MICHAEL: Well, that's ridiculous. I worked my ass off on that thing. It was
beautifully crafted. It was spring activated to secure the napkins. It
redefined the term napkin holder.
MARIA: Yeah, I know, it did.
MICHAEL: Well, how could he have flunked you? I mean...Wh--
MARIA: Because I, um, I...I didn't use yours. I kept it. Thank you.
(Maria starts to walk away)
MICHAEL: I have something to say to you. If anything like that happens to me
again, like when I got sick, don't help me. I can't get indebted to anyone,
and I can't get entangled. I got to be a stone wall. And when I'm around you
sometimes, I don't feel like a stone wall anymore.
MARIA: Well, what do you feel like?
MICHAEL: I don't know. Like confused.
MARIA: Like human?
MICHAEL: Yeah, and I don't want to feel that way.
1.11 Into the Woods
MARIA: Liz, today is the
first day of the rest of our lives.
LIZ: Spending time with your mother again?
MARIA: No, I mean it. Aren't you tired of being a slave to men?
LIZ: Definitely your mom.
MARIA: Tired of spending every waking moment pining over them, just for us
to get our hearts crushed in the end. It is time to branch out, to explore
other possibilities. You and me babe, together.
(Liz and Maria see
Michael enter the eraser room)
MARIA: No wonder he couldn't make a commitment.
MAX: Um, thanks. Haven't
seen you in a couple of days.
LIZ: I...uh, it's been kind of busy.
MARIA: She means she's been kind of busy. Actually, we've both been kind of
busy.
MICHAEL: Yeah, I can see that.
MARIA: You know, getting ready for the big weekend and all.
MAX: You have a big weekend?
MARIA: Dates. We have dates. With men.
MICHAEL: Men?
MARIA: These college guys that we met during winter break and, um, they're
taking us out for dinner...an expensive dinner.
MAX: Great. Well, have a good time.
(Max and Michael leave)
MARIA(talking about
Alex): Another one being sucked into the alien abyss.
1.12 The Convention
(Max drags Michael into
one of the rooms in the UFO Center)
MAX: Michael, I've got to talk to you about something...personal.
MICHAEL: Nothing's too personal.
MAX: How'd you do it with Maria?
MICHAEL: Too personal.
MAX: No, I mean...how did you stop? I can't stop thinking about Liz.
Everytime I see her, she just starts going into slow motion.
MICHAEL: Maxwell, you've gotta be strong. You can't let yourself be led
around by your...energy source. It wasn't easy for me, either, but you gotta
throw yourself into something else...anything else. Something just to get
your mind off her.
MAX: Throw myself into something.
(Michael is looking
around at the various exhibits and finds something called the "Alien
Takedown", which Maria is helping to set up)
MICHAEL: Alien Takedown? What's that, some kind of wrestling match?
MARIA: Yeah, the Alien Takedown. Do you have a problem with that?
MICHAEL: Yeah, you know what, I do. I'm here trying to figure out the
meaning of my existence, and I'm tired of having to wade through the kooks
like you and the freak shows like this in order to do it.
AMY: Nothing personal, but this freak show keeps my kooky daughter and
myself off the streets.
MARIA: Mom, Michael. Michael, mom.
AMY: Nice to meet you.
MARIA: That was some guffaw.
MICHAEL: Guffaw?
MARIA: Yeah, my mother. Great first impression.
MICHAEL: Why would I want to make an impression?
MICHAEL: Mud.
MAX: What?
MICHAEL: When you're with her, think about mud. It helped me.
MAX: Michael, I don't need some trick. I can handle this.
ALEX: No, uh...orange
soda on the rocks.
AMY: Mmm, girl trouble.
ALEX: Oh, it's that obvious? Great. Great. Hey, listen...let me ask you guys
a question. As women, do you find that all men are obsessive?
AMY: Yes.
LIZ: Absolutely.
MARIA: No question.
AMY: They find something...
MARIA: Usually something completely inane and useless.
LIZ: Oh, like football.
EVERYONE: Or UFOs.
AMY: Oh, and then they just don't let it go!
JEN: Until it consumes every waking minute of their day! Sorry. Couldn't
help but deeply relate.
LIZ: Yeah, but then they use it as an excuse.
AMY: Oh, whenever it's convenient for them...
MARIA: To just completely ignore you.
AMY: Yeah, and it's so clear why they're doing it.
LIZ: Oh, yeah. It's an avoidance thing.
JEN: They hide behind their obsession!
AMY: Because what they really are is afraid.
MARIA: Deathly afraid.
LIZ: Of commitment.
ALEX: Ok. I got it. Crystal clear. But...what if, uh, there's a guy whose
obsession is a woman?
EVERYONE: Oh!
AMY: Oh, yeah, right.
LIZ: Dream on.
(Amy rushes to the area
set aside for the "Alien Takedown" and finds a masked wrestler lying in the
middle of the ring...he's not moving)
AMY: Ernie! Oh, my God! Are you ok?
(The masked wrestler slowly takes off his mask to reveal...Michael)
MICHAEL: I'm just resting.
AMY: Oh, you dear, dear, boy! Oh!
(Michael sits up and Maria sits down in front of him and smiles at him)
MICHAEL: It was easy money.
(Maria smiles at Michael -- obviously grateful for his selfless act --,
pulls his head towards hers, and softly kisses him)
MICHAEL: Mud.
MARIA: What?
MICHAEL: Mud. I'm thinking about mud.
MARIA: Why do I even try?
1.13 Blind Date
No M&M moments.
1.14 Independence Day
Maria is giving Liz some
advice at the Crashdown)
MARIA: You and me, Liz. We've got to stick together. All right? Hold our
ground. No matter how much they try to charm us, they are like a drug, and
we have to just say no.
LIZ: Maria, I try and stay away, but I...I can't help myself.
(Max walks into the Crashdown and looks around for Liz)
LIZ: He obviously feels the same way.
MARIA: Ok. Do you remember that commercial? When the girl takes the pan and
bashes up the kitchen? Ok. This is your brain on Max.
MARIA(giving her mom
advice about Valenti): No, but he's that type, you know? That guy, that
tough guy who, like, can't open up, or admit he has emotions or, you know,
admit that he needs you, you know? Those are the most dangerous of them all,
I promise.
AMY: Don't worry, honey. Michael will come around.
MARIA: Mich...what?!? Michael, I was not...I didn't say one thing about
Michael.
AMY: Sure you didn't.
MARIA: I meant hypothetically.
AMY: Whatever, honey.
(Maria is combing her
hair. She goes to the window and looks outside and sees Michael standing in
the rain. She thinks she's probably hallucinating so she takes some "grief
relief", looks up, and sees Michael still standing there. Michael walks over
to her window)
MARIA: What are you doing out there? No, you can't come in. No. I know why
you're here. All right, I know what your plan is, I know what you want, but
it's not gonna work this time, mister, ok, no matter what you say. My answer
is no. No, no, no, no, no.
(Maria has let Michael come in and he is dripping wet and shivering)
MARIA: God, you could get pneumonia. Here, take your shirt off. Hold on.
You're shivering.
(Maria wipes away a tear from Michael's cheeks)
MARIA: Come here. Shh, it's ok. You don't have to tell me, it's ok.
(Michael starts to cry as Maria hugs him closely)
ISABEL: Have you guys
seen Michael?
MARIA: Maybe.
ISABEL: Come on, Maria, you have to tell me. It's really important.
MARIA: Well, if it's that important, then you tell me. I'm worried about
him, too.
ISABEL: I can't.
MARIA: Ditto.
ISABEL: All right. Michael's in trouble.
LIZ: What...what kind of trouble?
ISABEL: It's Hank. He's, um...he's been hurting him, and Max and I are
trying to help.
MARIA: Oh, my God, Isabel.
ISABEL: Michael made us promise not to say anything.
MARIA: He was with me last night. All night.
LIZ: What? He spent the night, Maria? What happened to "no"?
MARIA: He never told me what was wrong. We just slept. And then...in the
morning, my mom came in, and he took off, and I haven't seen him since.
1.15 Sexual Healing
(Maria is walking around
looking for Michael and finds him in the bleachers)
MARIA: Oh, Michael. Hi.
MICHAEL: Hey.
MARIA: Did you hear?
MICHAEL: The Max-Liz thing, with the flashes? She's your friend. What do you
think?
MARIA: That Max and Liz have discovered some new sensation? It seems
somewhat unlikely.
MICHAEL: Extremely unlikely.
(Cut to a scene where Maria and Michael are making out nearby a high-voltage
box)
MARIA: This feels good. This feels really good.
MICHAEL: Yeah.
MARIA: Oh, God. Oh, my God. Michael.
MICHAEL: What?
MARIA: I can't believe it.
MICHAEL: What? What did you see?
MARIA: I saw...a cluster of stars...like shooting through space. Um...this,
like, incredible sunset, like near the rings of Saturn. Did you see
anything?
MICHAEL: Yeah, I saw you...as a little girl...trying to tie her shoelaces on
her red sneakers.
MARIA: You're kidding. The red sneakers?
(Maria and Michael are
making out again)
MICHAEL: Wow.
MARIA: Michael...
MICHAEL: Uh-huh?
MARIA: Mmm. This feels really good.
MICHAEL: Uh-huh.
MARIA: These visions...flashes, or whatever...
MICHAEL: Uh-huh.
MARIA: I'm just, um...I'm not completely sure I've actually really had one.
(Michael stops kissing Maria)
MICHAEL: What do you mean, you're not completely sure?
MARIA: Michael, I, um...I faked it. Ok?
MICHAEL: Why would you tell me that?
MARIA: Why? Because I...I want us to be close.
MICHAEL: You think that makes us close.
(Michael turns to leave)
MARIA: Where are you going?
MICHAEL: How do you expect me to react?
MARIA: Like...a person? Talk to me?
MICHAEL: Yeah. Well, I could act like a person, but then I'd have to fake
it.
MARIA: You know, maybe if you weren't so defensive and you didn't shut down
all the time...
MICHAEL: Then maybe what?
MARIA: Maybe...it would happen.
MICHAEL: I lied to you, too...about the shoes.
MARIA: Really? 'Cause I did have red sneakers.
MICHAEL: Everybody's got red sneakers.
(In the girls' locker
room, Maria is telling Liz about what happened with Michael)
LIZ: Why would you fake it?
MARIA: Haven't you ever heard of the male ego?
LIZ: Yeah.
MARIA: The question is, why did I tell him that I faked it? You know what I
mean? It just...
(Maria goes to Michael's
apartment)
MARIA: Max and Liz aren't...
MICHAEL: I heard.
MARIA: Look, I just really need you not to be cold or mean. If that's
impossible, you can just let me know.
MICHAEL: You want to come in?
MARIA: Yeah.
MICHAEL: Have a seat.
MARIA: Thanks. Can we talk about what happened?
MICHAEL: Talk on.
MARIA: I want you to know that what I said about you being all shut down and
that's why I had to fake the flashes, that was...wrong and very unfair. If
something went wrong, it was because of me. I'm the one who's scared. I
mean, I fake all kinds of things all the time with everybody. It's just you
were the first person I actually ever admitted it to.
MICHAEL: Well...thanks for sayin' that, but it's not really true.
MARIA: What do you mean?
MICHAEL: It's not true about you being shut down all the time. I happen to
know that for a fact.
MARIA: Really? How?
MICHAEL: Because you let me see you. The red sneakers, Maria. One had a
Kermit patch on it, and the shoelaces were blue, and you had your dalmatian
dog with you there, licking off your tears. And I saw a whole bunch of other
stuff as well. Was I right?
MARIA: Yeah. Um...that dog died when I was, like, 7. Right after my father
left.
MICHAEL: Kinda rough?
MARIA: Yeah. I'd say so. I really didn't care about the stupid flashes. I
just wanted us to be close.
MICHAEL: Thanks.
(Michael kisses Maria on her forehead and reaches over and hugs her with his
left arm)
1.16 Crazy
MARIA: Is that so hard?
MICHAEL: What?
MARIA: Acting like a real couple, kissing, arms around each other's
shoulders, actually excited to see one another.
MICHAEL: Overrated.
LIZ: Maria, would you
mind?
MARIA: Go ahead.
LIZ: Thank you.
MARIA: Live the life I so desperately want.
MICHAEL: It's kind of immature, really.
MARIA: Really.
MICHAEL: Just a couple of horndogs looking for a place to make out. I mean,
we don't need that. We got my apartment, you know?
ISABEL: I guess I'll just have the special.
MICHAEL/MARIA: Uhh...we're closing early.
MICHAEL: So, now she
says what we've got isn't good enough. She wants more.
MAX: You mean like...
MICHAEL: No. If that's what she wanted, would I be here talking to you? She
wants the romance thing. The thing that you and Liz got.
MAX: Is that what you want?
MICHAEL: I just want to make her happy. And you're gonna tell me how to do
it.
MAX: It's not like there's a handbook.
MICHAEL: I'm serious, Max. Things are getting frosty. She went to the French
club meeting today instead of meeting me in the eraser room. The French
club...what the hell is that?
MAX: All right...romantic. When you're with her, act like she's like the
only girl in the room.
MICHAEL: She's usually the only other person in the room.
MAX: That's a good start. Um, try taking her out...someplace nice. And, uh,
surprises...they love surprises. Like, you know, little things, like a note
in her locker, or a flower in the middle of the day.
(A flower deliveryperson
shows up at the Crashdown)
DELIVERY GUY: I've got a delivery for one of the waitresses.
MARIA: Really? De Luca?
DELIVERY GUY: Uh, Parker...Liz Parker.
MARIA: Oh. Just let me have 'em.
DELIVERY GUY: You're Liz Parker?
MARIA: What, I don't look like a girl who gets flowers everyday?
DELIVERY GUY: Your tag says Maria.
MARIA: Just give me the flowers. Go. No tip.
(Maria walks over to Liz)
MARIA: Hey, Gidget. You got some flowers from moondoggie.
LIZ: I did? Oh, my God. Wow.
(Maria looks over Liz's shoulder as Liz opens the note)
LIZ: Maria.
MARIA: Come on. Just let me see what I'm missing, please.
LIZ: He's so romantic. He wants me to meet him at the restaurant where we
had our first date. He just keeps on getting more and more wonderful every
day.
MARIA: Mr. Wonderful.
LIZ: Hey, I need that
Chili Rocket Dog, Michael.
MICHAEL: I got a lot on my mind. Here, give 'em an order of Saturn Rings
while they're waitin'. That'll shut 'em up.
MARIA: Typical.
MICHAEL: What?
MARIA: Your reaction. You can't deliver to a customer what they want, so you
substitute it with an inferior item just to get them off your back.
MICHAEL: What's that supposed to mean?
MARIA: It means, Michael, that I'm not gonna settle for the Saturn Rings
anymore. If you want me, you have to earn me. That's how a relationship
works.
MICHAEL: No, Maria, that's how Boy Scout merit badges work.
MICHAEL: We should go
out tonight. The 4 of us.
MARIA/LIZ: What?!?
MICHAEL: That way, if someone is really watching us, we won't give 'em
anything to be suspicious about. Hot dog.
MARIA: I thought you didn't believe Topolsky.
MICHAEL: You want what Max and Liz have, don't you?
MARIA: Well, yeah. Yeah. I just thought we'd try it on our own.
MICHAEL: One step at a time.
MICHAEL: This is for
you.
MARIA: Shampoo.
MICHAEL: Shampoo AND conditioner in one.
MARIA: It's a real timesaver.
WAITRESS: Here you go.
You can pay me whenever you're ready.
MICHAEL: You're gonna have to get this one 'cause i don't get paid till
Tuesday.
(Maria leaves the table and stops next to the window)
(Max kicks Michael under the table)
MICHAEL: You know, this whole dating thing really bites.
(Michael leaves the table and walks toward Maria)
MICHAEL: What did I do now?
MARIA: Michael, you have no table manners, and all you do is talk about
yourself, and you have absolutely no regard for anyone else around you. I
mean, if you get a girl shampoo, at least don't get her the generic kind,
you know?
MICHAEL: How am I supposed to know what brand of shampoo you use?
MARIA: You just don't get it, do you?
MICHAEL: What i want to know is, if I'm such a loser, then why do you want
to be with me?
MARIA: I'm sorry.
MICHAEL: Why?
MARIA: For that whole "being the perfect boyfriend" thing. After what
happened to Alex last night, that's just, like, not what's important to me
at all. So, if that's why you're acting strange, you can just stop. It's
over. I mean...just go back to being your usual self.
MICHAEL: Come here. If anything happens, I mean, to me, I just want you to
know that...
MARIA: I know. Nothing's gonna happen to you.
MARIA: Michael, it's a
mistake, and if you're too stupid not to protect yourself, I'm gonna have to
do it for you!
MICHAEL: This is not your decision to make! This is mine.
MARIA: It's not just about you! What you do affects me. That's how
relationships work, and whether you like it or not, we are in a
relationship! OK, so go ahead and hate me, but I'm not gonna let you get
hurt. I care about you too much.
MICHAEL: Maria, I have been waiting for this my whole life.
MARIA: So have I!
(Headlights appear suddenly)
MICHAEL: Run, go on! Run! Get out of here! Go!
MARIA: No, I am not gonna leave you!
1.17 Tess, Lies and
Videotape
(At the school. Michael
is sneaking into the Administrative Records room.)
MICHAEL: What the hell are you doing here?
MARIA: I saw you sneaking in. What are you doing here?
MICHAEL: Nothing.
MARIA: Michael, if you want to be a couple, you've got to learn how to trust
me. `K, that's how a relationship works. No secrets. So either give it to me
straight, or you're not going to be giving it to me at all.
MICHAEL: Fine, I'm checking out the new girl.
MARIA: Tess? Why?
MICHAEL: That's classified.
MARIA: Does this have anything to do with Max? I knew it.
MICHAEL: I'm just helping Max out, ok? It's not a big deal.
MARIA: I thought we were a team.
MICHAEL: What do you mean?
MARIA: We've always investigated as a team.
MICHAEL: Well, take it easy, Sherlock. When I find something, I'll let you
know. Shhh.
MARIA: Shhh.
1.18 Four Square
(In a hallway at school
� after Michael�s disturbing dreams about Isabel.)
MICHAEL: Hey.
MARIA: Hey right back at you.
MICHAEL: I�ve been thinking.
MARIA: Oh, great this usually involves me having to get my car towed.
MICHAEL: What? I�m talking about us.
MARIA: Us?
MICHAEL: Yeah, our relationship.
MARIA: Wait, I�ve never heard you use that word in a sentence before.
MICHAEL: Can we get serious here?
MARIA: Whoa, are you ok?
MICHAEL: I just...I didn�t sleep much last night.
MARIA: Because you were thinking about our relationship?
MICHAEL: Yeah.
MICHAEL: I think that we
should only see each other.
MARIA: Wait. As opposed to all the other relationships we�re having with
people?
MICHAEL: What do you mean by that?
MARIA: No...I mean that we already are only seeing each other. Right?
MICHAEL: Yeah.
MARIA: Right.
MICHAEL: So?
MARIA: I mean, unless you�ve got someone on the side.
MICHAEL: No!
MARIA: Ok.
MICHAEL: No. So. Well, then if we�re already doing it, let�s make it
official.
MARIA: Official. Like going steady, or something?
MICHAEL: Going steady.
MARIA: Ok.
MICHAEL: I just don�t want anyone to ever come between us.
MARIA: Ok. You should have more of these tortured sleepless nights.
MICHAEL: Let�s not talk about last night anymore.
(They kiss. In the
hallway, Maria and Michael are also kissing, and drawing a crowd.)
MARIA: Michael.
MICHAEL: Let�s go in here.
MARIA: Ok.
(They open the door to the janitor�s closet where Alex and Isabel spring
apart.)
ISABEL: Alex and I are together now.
MICHAEL: Maria and I are going steady.
ISABEL: Great.
MICHAEL: Great.
MARIA: Must be something in the water.
1.19 Max to the Max
(Behind the Crashdown.)
MARIA: Hey. Look, I heard something, and I gotta ask you about it, and I
hope that the answer is some alien thing, �cause I can�t imagine any other
explanation that you could give�
MICHAEL: What are you talking about?
MARIA: The baby, Michael.
MICHAEL: I can�t talk about that.
MARIA: Wait. You owe me an explanation, Michael.
MICHAEL: It�s not what you think.
MARIA: Ok. I thought that you and Isabel were brother and sister. I mean,
isn�t that what you�ve always said? Now suddenly, you�re sleeping together?
MICHAEL: No, we�re not sleeping together.
MARIA: Really. Then how is there a baby?
MICHAEL: I don�t know.
MARIA: How do you not know?
MICHAEL: I just don�t know. I don�t know anything anymore. I mean I don�t
know what the hell it means; I don�t know what I�m feeling�
MARIA: Wait a minute. Feeling? Now you have feelings for her?
MICHAEL: Maria, this isn�t about you or me or our stupid relationship. This
is about Isabel. Something is happening to her, and that�s all I care about.
MAX: Isabel, you�re not
pregnant.
ISABEL: Are you sure?
MAX: Tess says the dreams are just to guide us in our destinies. She says
the constellations have aligned and awakened our biological drives but the
usual methods still apply. You can�t get pregnant from a dream. It�s good
news right?
ISABEL: Yeah.
MICHAEL: Really good news. (but he has a look on his face like he�s thinking
that now he has to face what he told Maria, contridicts what he just said)
What about this destiny thing? I mean are we still meant to pair up? You and
Tess, me and Isabel?
MAX: That�s our choice. Michael.
MICHAEL: I saw the book, Max, I�m not sure we have much to say about it.
MAX: We control our own lives. I won�t let any book tell me what to do.
ISABEL: Well at least it�s all over for now, right?
MICHAEL: Yeah. Umm, I got someone to talk to. (To Maria.) False alarm, no
baby.
MARIA: Is Isabel all right?
MICHAEL: Yeah.
MARIA: Thank god.
MICHAEL: Listen, that thing I said about our relationship being stupid, I
didn�t mean it.
MARIA: Well, then, you shouldn�t have said it.
1.20 The White Room
LIZ: Bring him back to
me.
MICHAEL: I will.
TESS: We�d better hurry.
MARIA: You come back to me.
(The three aliens leave together.)
1.21 Destiny
MICHAEL: Maybe Tess is
right. If the four of us leave, maybe the rest of you could�
MARIA: No. I'm staying with you.
ALEX: So am I.
LIZ: Yeah, we all are.
(Max goes to Michael who
is standing off to one side.)
MAX: You were just trying to stop him. I know you didn't mean to kill him.
MICHAEL: But that's just it. I wanted to kill him. I mean, that's all that I
could think about. I wanted him dead. Knowing that, I just did it. It just
happened. What kind of person does that make me?
MAX: We would have been dead if you didn't help us.
MICHAEL: No! The bottom line Maxwell, I kill people. I kill people, you heal
them. (Maria walks over) You're good, and I'm bad.
MAX: It's not true, Michael.
MICHAEL: Just get out of here.
MARIA: What are you talking about?
MICHAEL: It's not safe.
MARIA: It's never been safe. What difference does it make now?
MICHAEL: No, I'm not safe. All right, I mean, I can do these things that I
can't control. Look at what I did to Pierce. I'm not going to take that
chance with you. I don't want you to be around for what's going to happen.
MARIA: Wait. Don't do this to me Michael, please. You need me now, more than
you have before, alright?
MICHAEL: No, I don't need anyone.
MARIA: Well, maybe I do. Did you ever think of that? I mean, look at Max and
Liz. They can't bear to be separated. But you, you can just throw me away.
Just like that. Why is that, Michael? Why?
MICHAEL: Maybe because I love you too much. Goodbye.
(He leaves.)
2.01 Skin and Bones
MARIA: Max, little
advice. The girl goes off to some aunt in Florida for the entire summer and
barely says good-bye to you. In layman's terms, she blew you off big time. I
mean, and look at you. Look, you're like a groveling dog. (in a whiny voice)
Have you heard from Liz today? Did Liz call? (end whiny voice) No. That's no
good. Look, you've gotta play it cool, all right? Let her come to you.
MAX: Let her come to me.
MARIA: That's what I'd do.
MAX: Wait. Didn't you just tell me that you left like 5 messages for Michael
in the past 2 days?
MARIA: What's your point?
MARIA: So, I hear
ex-cons are really great in bed.
MICHAEL: I thought we agreed that it was over between us.
MARIA: You agreed, and then you avoided me the entire summer.
MICHAEL: Well, it is.
MARIA: Why? 'Cause you're destined to be with Isabel?
MICHAEL: No. I don't buy that. Because I'm destined to be the soldier, and a
soldier can't have some chick at home waiting for him.
MARIA: Michael, half the movies ever made are about soldiers with chicks
waiting at home for them.
MICHAEL: Well, be that as it may...
MARIA: I miss you, Michael.
MICHAEL: I know, but don't.
2.02 Ask Not
(Episode starts inside
the Crashdown. Isabel, Maria, Tess, and Liz are dressed in dancing clothes
and are getting into a dancing groove. Isabel sets up the music by using her
powers on some CDs. The scene flashes back and forth from the party at the
Crashdown to Max, who is running to the Crashdown as fast as he can to
inform everyone of what happened to Nasedo)
MARIA: He's watching, isn't he?
(Liz looks at Michael, who is stealing glances at Maria. She nods to Maria)
MARIA: I knew he couldn't resist. Come on.
2.03 Surprise
(Maria stops by to check
up on the cake)
MARIA: How's the cake coming?
COURTNEY: It's coming.
MICHAEL (to Courtney): Maybe you should finish it.
(Michael leaves and Maria and Courtney start arguing over him)
MARIA: Michael. Taken. Or haven't you noticed?
COURTNEY: I noticed he didn't make this cake for you.
MARIA: It's not my birthday.
COURTNEY: Small detail.
(Alex comes in and
starts lamenting about how his striptease dance turned out)
ALEX: You know, I can't believe I let you talk me into that!
MARIA: Me and Michael go way back.
ALEX: That was the most humiliating experience of my life!
COURTNEY: You sew your name into the back of his jeans?
MARIA: You'll never find out.
ALEX: I did a striptease in front of her mother! Are you listening to me?
MARIA: One nipple does not constitute a striptease, Alex.
ALEX: She saw my nipple? Oh, God.
COURTNEY: Chill out, NYPD blue.
ALEX: Chill out? Chill out? I spent $150 to rent this costume. And do you
have any idea how it feels to walk around all day with a thong up your ass?
MARIA & COURTNEY: Yes.
(Maria pulls up in the
Jetta just as Michael has his hands on Courtney's shoulders)
MARIA: Michael, we got to go. Isabel's in trouble.
2.04 Summer of '47
(Maria walks up to
Michael)
MARIA: Hey. New gel? So, um, Portishead tickets went on sale this morning.
Did you get my messages?
MICHAEL: Yeah.
(Michael keeps walking)
MAX: Nice.
MICHAEL: Hey, our agenda involves the four of us. There is no time for
distractions.
(Back to present-day
Roswell. Hal and Michael are at the Crashdown eating lunch)
MARIA: Would you like some fries with that shake?
HAL: Give me another one, sweet cheeks.
MARIA: That'll be your third banana split, sir.
MICHAEL: What are you, the dairy police? We're in the middle of a story
here.
MARIA: Oh, yeah, I'm not the one sitting next to an ancient gastrointestinal
tract, pally.
HAL: Get the check. I'll tell you the rest later.
MICHAEL: You're gonna be at the reunion later.
HAL: To tell you the truth, kid, I don't know if I want to go anymore.
MICHAEL: The day's young. We'll go hit some of your old haunts.
HAL: Well, you got wheels?
(Michael goes into the back and asks Maria for a favor)
MICHAEL: I need a favor.
MARIA: First off, phone protocol works like this. Ready? Messenger leaves
message. Then messengee calls back unless messengee is deathly ill,
grounded, or just a jerk.
MICHAEL: Look, I came in here because...
MARIA: I would like to think that I've been patient, the epitome of
restraint...but for God's sake, Michael, she's not even a real blonde.
MICHAEL: Who?
MARIA: Let me set the scene for you, all right? You. Courtney. The dark
alley back there. Me controlling the urge to spew.
MICHAEL: Look, this whole jealousy thing is getting a little tired. Just
accept the fact that I'm an alien. You're human. Our lives do not mix.
MARIA: Well, you made the exception for bottle job and old man river out
there.
MICHAEL: Ok, that man out there knows stuff about the '47 crash. All right?
Stuff specific to me. Ok. So I want to take him around. I want to jog his
memory, and to do that, I need the Jetta.
MARIA: I'm sorry. When humans need rides, they take Jettas. And when aliens
need rides, they take spaceships. Oh! Find one.
MICHAEL: Hey, Maria...hanging out with this guy is gonna help him a lot more
than it's gonna help me. Can't you just make an old guy's day?
MARIA: You know what? I am only doing this because I forever regretted not
saying good-bye to Breepa De Luca before he died.
MICHAEL: Put lunch on my tab, and don't forget the senior discount.
MARIA: Jerk!
(Michael has brought
Maria to the granilith chamber)
MICHAEL: Meet the reason I haven't been returning your phone calls.
MARIA: My God. What is it?
MICHAEL: I don't know...but eventually I'm hoping we can find out.
MARIA: "We?" You didn't even choke on that.
MICHAEL: Well, today I had a little history lesson, and here's the thing...I
owe more to you than I can imagine. To Liz, Alex, Valenti, to some old guy
named Hal who lives in Tampa and plays shuffleboard. I never realized
it...so here it is.
(Michael holds out both hands to Maria)
MICHAEL: Thank you.
(Maria places her hands in Michael's)
MARIA: You're welcome. What's wrong?
MICHAEL: You know those pods that housed Max, Isabel, Tess, and me?
MARIA: Yeah, before you were born?
MICHAEL: Well, there's another set of them, and they're somewhere out there.
(Episode ends with Michael and Maria standing in the granilith chamber)
2.05 The End of the
World
(In present day Roswell,
Maria is driving Liz and Alex to Madame Vivian's place)
LIZ: I'm so confused.
ALEX: I'm so depressed.
MARIA: Wimps.
LIZ: Max keeps coming to my window and telling me he wants to be with me
again, but I know it's...it can never work out.
ALEX: Isabel, she gave me another one of those "Alex, you're such a great
friend" speeches. It made me want to puke.
MARIA: I have Michael Guerin. He's mine. You should have seen his face when
he apologized to me. His eyes were practically begging me to take his sorry
ass back. I have so landed him for once and for all...I think.
LIZ: Where are you taking us, anyway?
MARIA: Mmm. To a place where all of our questions will finally be answered.
She'll tell us where our future lies with our hybrid freaks. She's a
prophet. My mom lives her whole life based on her advice. ALEX: And this is
a recommendation?
(Maria's turn. She asks
about Michael)
PSYCHIC: This boy...very volatile.
MARIA: That's good for sex, right?
PSYCHIC: This relationship will not endure.
MARIA: Look, lady, I am not necessarily looking to tie the knot myself, but
do I at least have a few months?
PSYCHIC: 48 hours, tops.
MARIA: 48 hours? Ok, are they a good 48 hours?
(At the Crashdown, Maria
tells Michael about Madame Vivian's prediction)
MARIA: We need to talk.
MICHAEL: Talk?
MARIA: Yeah, about our relationship.
MICHAEL: You gotta be joking me.
MARIA: Some stupid psychic told me that the next 48 hours are critical, so
could you just try not to be a bonehead? Is that, like, a possibility?
(Courtney enters)
MARIA: No waitresses in the kitchen.
COURTNEY: Hey, Mikey G. You got my order yet?
MICHAEL: Yeah, right there.
COURTNEY: Takeoff Tacos, Plutonium Platter, and the Greek God salad, light
on the feta. You're such a good boy.
(Courtney slaps Mikey G on the butt, then leaves)
MICHAEL: She put in that order before I got busy.
MARIA: Ok, give it up, Guerin. What's going on with her?
MICHAEL: Yeah, that's exactly what I want to know.
MARIA: Michael.
MICHAEL: I don't trust her.
MARIA: Hmm. Neither do I.
MICHAEL: I mean, there's something going on with her. Another new face in
town. Arrived this summer after the signal went out. Her picture was in
Whitaker's office. Constantly hanging around me, always giving me these
looks.
MARIA: So, do you think she's an alien?
MICHAEl: Or with the government. I don't know.
MARIA: Well, I'll tell you what I know, Mikey G. The slut wants in your
pants.
MICHAEL: That might work. Oh, nice.
MARIA: What might work, Michael?
(Courtney steps into the
bathroom to take a shower. Michael starts snooping around. He opens a
cabinet and finds it completely filled with skin lotion. Suddenly, he hears
a noise from the window. It's Maria)
MICHAEL: What the hell are you doing here?
MARIA: Investigating Courtney. What are you doing here, hound?
MICHAEL: No, I'm investigating Courtney. Get out of here.
MARIA: No, no, no. I found a picture of you, Max, and Isabel in her locker,
and your face was circled.
MICHAEL: No way.
COURTNEY (from bathroom): Maybe you should put on some tunes, baby.
MARIA: Bastard.
MICHAEL: I had to get her out of the room somehow.
MICHAEL (to Courtney): Good idea, baby.
MARIA: I...I'm gonna retch.
MICHAEL: Ok, I've got the situation under control, so get out of
here...seriously.
MARIA: If you lay one hand on her...
MICHAEL: No one is laying anything on anyone.
COURTNEY (from bathroom): By the way, you are an amazing kisser.
(Maria thwaps Michael on the head)
MARIA: You obviously came here for 2 reasons, huh?
(Courtney comes out of the bathroom dressed in a towel)
COURTNEY: Is somebody here?
(Maria hands Courtney a hair piece)
MARIA (to Courtney): Um...here. You left that at work.
MARIA (to Michael): And umm...remember how I said we had 48 hours? That
was...that was way too optimistic. We're done.
(Maria leaves)
MICHAEL (to Courtney): I'm gonna go.
(Alex is looking for
Maria at the Crashdown and finds her in the back, ripping apart photos of
Michael)
ALEX: Maria.
MARIA: Can you just wait outside for a second?
ALEX: Sure.
(Maria is sobbing)
ALEX: Maria, what's wrong?
MARIA: Could you just get out of here?
ALEX: What happened?
MARIA: I found this picture of Michael in Courtney's locker...like some sort
of surveillance photo or something.
ALEX: Oh, my God. Is he all right?
MARIA: Yeah, he's all right. Actually, he's terrific. I was worried about
him, so I went all the way across town to save his ass, and I get there,
and...he's already there, and so is Courtney...in a towel.
ALEX: Maria.
(Max immediately goes to
Maria for advice)
MARIA: You just want me to tell you that it's all gonna work out, right?
MAX: No. I want to hear what you have to say.
MARIA: Ok. Here's what I think...give Liz up. Leave her alone. All this is
leading nowhere. None of us belong with any of you. And I'm really sick of
how much it's screwing us up. I mean, look at us. We're pathetic.
(Later, at the
Crashdown, Maria spies Liz glumly gazing from the back room into the main
Crashdown area)
MARIA: What's wrong?
LIZ: Uh...nothing.
MARIA: You look upset, Liz.
LIZ: I...I just can't talk about it. Oh, I heard about Michael and Courtney.
MARIA: What gets me is that...that Madame Vivian bitch was right. Granted,
Michael is the world's worst boyfriend. I know that. You know that. America
knows that. But when I caught them together...that look of guilt on his
face...I've never felt so awful, Liz.
LIZ: Oh, my God.
MARIA: I know. I mean, I guess it's a good thing, you know? 'Cause...when I
saw that, I realized there was nothing he could do to make up for it. I know
it's over.
(Alex stops by at
Michael's apartment)
MICHAEL: What's up?
ALEX: Nothing. Nothing at all.
MICHAEL: Well, I was kinda watching the game, so if you got something on
your mind...
(Alex grabs the remote and turns off the TV)
ALEX: Do you have any idea what you've done to Maria?
MICHAEL: Dude, it was a misunderstanding.
ALEX: Look. I don't care that you've got 30 pounds on me or...or that you
can kill me with some...some twisted alien power. I will not let you treat
her like that. I...I don't care that Isabel treats me like crap, but no one
does that to Maria, all right? She's not just some girl!
MICHAEL: You gotta believe me...I have nothing...
(Courtney happens to stop by at that moment)
COURTNEY: Knock knock.
(Alex turns around and nails Michael in the face. Alex immediately starts
wincing)
ALEX: Ow!
MICHAEL: You realize you just risked your life?
ALEX: Yeah.
MICHAEL: You're a really good friend, man.
ALEX: Call me that again, and I'll really kick your ass.
(Alex leaves)
COURTNEY: Are you ok?
MICHAEL: Yeah. I'm fine.
(Michael and Courtney start making out again. Michael reaches around to her
back and peels off a piece of skin)
MICHAEL: You're a skin? Stop!
(Michael fires his alien power at Courtney, who makes a quick escape out the
window)
2.06 The Harvest
MARIA: You ok?
LIZ: Oh, I didn't get much sleep last night.
MARIA: You look like you got your heart stomped out. No, wait...that would
be me. Well, if it's possible, you look worse.
(Michael walks up to
Maria)
MICHAEL: Hey.
MARIA: Whatever, dude.
MICHAEL: No, I have something to tell you.
MARIA: I'm not interested.
MICHAEL: Hey, it's about Courtney.
MARIA: I am so not interested.
MICHAEL: Hey, will you just listen to me?
MARIA: You listen to me here. She made a play for you, and you went for it.
So, what? Now she's screwed you over and you've come to realize she's a
cheap, manipulative tramp? Well, this is not news to me.
MICHAEL: She's an alien. A skin, like Whitaker.
MAX: Where's Courtney
now?
MICHAEL: I don't know. She went out the window. I tried chasing her...
MARIA: But it's hard to run with your pants around your ankles?
TESS: Settle the personal crap on your own time.
(Meanwhile, Michael and
Maria investigate Courtney's apartment)
MARIA: Michael! I feel like we're Scully and Mulder or something.
MICHAEL: Shhh. Would you shut up?
MARIA: Ok.
MICHAEL: Nobody's home.
(Maria finds some CDs)
MARIA: Culture Club? Wham? The Backstreet Boys? God, she really is an alien,
this one.
MICHAEL: A little help here?
MARIA: Fine. What are we looking for?
MICHAEL: Clues? You know...an address book or a calendar somewhere.
MARIA: Of course. Like she's gonna write her hideout in an address book, oh
ho!
MICHAEL: Hey, are you just gonna rag on me or are you gonna help?
(Maria finds a piece of shedded skin)
MARIA: Michael...What is this?
MICHAEL: That's why they call 'em skins. She's shedding.
MARIA: Eww, it's so gross! Eww! How did you figure out she was a skin,
anyway?
MICHAEL: I saw part of her skin come off.
MARIA: Which part?
MICHAEL: When are you gonna get off this?
MARIA: Not for a very, very long time, Mikey G.
MICHAEL: There's nothing going on between me and Courtney.
(Maria and Michael resume their search. Maria finds something and screams)
MARIA: Ohh! Ohh!
(Michael rushes over to help Maria. He and Maria see a Michael shrine in the
closet. There are numerous pictures of him, as well as some of his
belongings)
MICHAEL: That's the shirt I lost at work. What the hell is this?
MARIA: It's Graceland...and you're Elvis.
MICHAEL: Wow.
MARIA: Wow? Is that all you can say right now, is "wow"? She's obsessed with
you. She's, like, an alien stalker. She's been spying on you for weeks.
She's been dreaming about you, fantasizing about you...
MICHAEL: Hey, shut up for a second. Take a look at the pictures. They were
all shot from the apartment across the street from my building.
MARIA: So? Oh! That's where she goes to spy on you.
MICHAEL: Yep.
MARIA: Ohh.
(Michael and Maria are
staking out the building across the street from Michael's apartment)
MARIA: This isn't gonna work. She's not just gonna stroll up to her hideout
while we're sitting here watching her.
MICHAEL: This was your idea.
MARIA: That's not the way I remember it.
MICHAEL: Ok, so now it's my fault.
MARIA: Yes. You know what? Just to make things simpler, from now on you
should consider everything to be your fault, ok? Ok.
MICHAEL: Well, I know one way to make the time go faster.
MARIA: Oh, funny.
MICHAEL: I know.
MARIA: But if we can talk reality here for a second, I think she booked. Out
of town.
MICHAEL: No dice. She wouldn't do that. She's obsessed with me.
MARIA: Well, I guess that makes 2 of you, then, doesn't it?
MICHAEL: She'll show up sooner or later.
COURTNEY: How 'bout sooner?
(Michael and Maria turn around to see Courtney in front of them. Michael
immediately goes into his energy blast pose)
COURTNEY: Whoa! Hey, truce.
MICHAEL: Don't move.
COURTNEY: Don't worry. I won't. You're watching the building. You figured
out where I'd be from the pictures. That's very good, Mikey G. You're
everything I thought you'd be and more.
MARIA: Oh, please! Do your lips not get chapped from all the ass-kissing?
MICHAEL: Sit down.
COURTNEY: Anything you say.
MICHAEL: So you're a skin, like Whitaker.
COURTNEY: How'd you get on to Whitaker?
MARIA: We're asking the questions here, ok? Now, why are you in Roswell?
Where's the rest of your evil army? And most of all, why are you obsessed
with my good-looking, if badly groomed boyfriend?
COURTNEY: I'm not obsessed with him, ok? I follow him in the...political
sense.
MARIA: Our leader?
COURTNEY: We're not with the other skins. We're renegades who believe that
if you were in charge instead of Max in the first place, that none of this
would have ever happened.
MICHAEL: What are you talking about? In charge of what?
COURTNEY: Our planet, Michael. You don't remember any of this, do you?
MICHAEL: Suppose you tell me.
MARIA: Yeah, the short version, please.
COURTNEY: The short version...is that our planet was on the brink of a
golden age, and then it all fell apart. You were the one who could have
united our planet, pulled together the warring factions, brought peace. But
you weren't on the throne.
MICHAEL: Max.
COURTNEY: You wouldn't betray him. That loyalty cost your lives and those of
everyone you loved. Please, just don't let history repeat itself. You're the
one we need. You're our leader, our salvation.
MARIA: Michael, if you can hear me now over the sound of your rapidly
inflating ego, could you please tell me that you do not believe what
this...this Michael-worshipper here has to say?
MICHAEL: No...no...no way. No, this is just part of your plan to divide and
conquer.
COURTNEY: I knew you weren't ready to hear this.
MICHAEL: What's in Copper Summit, Arizona?
COURTNEY: Copper Summit's just some old tourist trap.
MICHAEL: What's there?
COURTNEY: I'd stay away from there.
MICHAEL: Why?
MARIA: Yeah, why?
COURTNEY: Let's just say there aren't any Michael-worshippers in Copper
Summit.
(Michael, and Maria, and
Courtney are on their way to Copper Summit)
COURTNEY: This is a huge mistake. You're gonna get yourself killed.
MICHAEL: Yeah, well, that's my problem.
COURTNEY: I didn't spend 50 years finding you so that you could throw your
life away out of misplaced loyalty.
MARIA: 50 years.
COURTNEY: Yeah, we came here in 1950. Do the math.
MARIA: So, what? That would make you 65, 70? You're old enough to be
Michael's grandmother. I just...I love that. I do.
COURTNEY: Hey, husks don't age.
MARIA: Husks?
COURTNEY: Yeah, me. My skin...this thing that I'm wearing. It never ages.
MARIA: What is your point?
COURTNEY: The point is, I've been a babe for 50 years. What are you gonna
look like in 50 years from now?
MICHAEL: Would you two let it go? You're giving me a headache.
2.07 Wipe Out!
ISABEL: Everyone's gone.
MICHAEL: Every human. Whoever's doing this is trying to single us out.
(Liz and Maria arrive at the Crashdown)
COURTNEY: Well, there goes that theory.
MARIA: Michael!
LIZ: Yeah. Yeah. I mean,
it's worth a try. We need, like, some vitamins and minerals and...and
nutrients.
MARIA: Ok. We've got ginko, bee pollen, echinacea, C, D, E, calcium, St.
John's wort, and Pamprin. What? I was dating Michael Guerin.
MICHAEL: You think
she'll be ok?
MAX: I don't know. You and Courtney have gotten close.
MICHAEL: Yeah.
MAX: How's Maria feel about that?
MICHAEL: Why do you care? You've never been interested in my social circles
before.
MAX: You were never sleeping with the enemy before.
MICHAEL: And I'm not now.
MAX: Then why was she at your apartment this morning?
MICHAEL: 'Cause she wanted to show me how the husk fit. That's it.
MAX: Good.
MARIA: Um...I know how
you hate when things get all goopy, so...
MICHAEL: Yeah. So I'll see you soon.
MARIA (laughing, disbelieving): Yeah.
MICHAEL (firmly): No. I will.
(Maria leaves)
2.08 Meet the Dupes
(At the Crashdown)
MARIA: And don't forget the pepperjack. Guy's nuts about his pepperjack.
MICHAEL: Yeah. All right.
MARIA: Oh, Max called. He said that he wants to have a meeting with
everybody Saturday night.
MICHAEL: No. I can't make that.
MARIA: Really?
MICHAEL: Yeah. I got big plans. I can't change 'em.
MARIA: That is so sweet.
MICHAEL: Sweet? It's the dirt bike finals.
MARIA: Hello? I'm singing on Saturday at the new performance space next to
the museum!
MICHAEL: Yeah. But I've heard you sing before. What's the big deal?
(Maria delivers the sandwich to Brody at the UFO Center)
BRODY: Hi.
MARIA: Galaxy Sub. Hold the mayo.
BRODY: Thank you very much.
MARIA: Is there pepperjack in that sandwich?
BRODY: Uh...no. Doesn't appear to be.
MARIA: I just...I can't believe it! I cannot believe it!
BRODY: It's ok, really.
MARIA: No. No, it's not ok. You ordered pepperjack. You have the right to
expect pepperjack. This is...this is unacceptable is what it is!
BRODY: It's just cheese.
MARIA: No, it's not just cheese.
BRODY: But it's a very small thing.
MARIA: Yes. It is a very small thing, and that's why a person who can't even
get the cheese right does not deserve to live!
BRODY: Wow. You take your job very seriously.
(In another room in the
UFO Center, Liz and Maria are having a discussion)
MARIA: Ok. So duplicate Michael kissed you, and you decided not to tell me
this very pertinent fact?
LIZ: No, I wanted to tell you, I just...I couldn't...
MARIA: But you thought, hey, it's just Michael slipping me the tongue.
There's nothing unusual about that...
LIZ: Maria, it's not Michael.
MARIA: But you didn't know that then, Liz!
LIZ: Can't you get over it? I'm sorry.
BRODY: Now who can
explain what you're all doing here?
(Maria saves the day by asking Brody to breakfast)
MARIA: Hi.
BRODY: Hi!
MARIA: Um...you know how you asked about lunch?
BRODY: Uh-huh.
MARIA: Well, how do you feel about having a little breakfast?
BRODY: Stay as long as you like.
(Brody and Maria leave)
RATH: You want me to kill him for you?
MICHAEL: I'll get back to you on that.
BRODY: Do you believe in
aliens?
MARIA: Why not? I'm dating one. I'm kidding. Of course. Heh.
2.09 Max in the City
MICHAEL (to Maria): Hey,
we're, uh, outta here.
MARIA: Thanks for helping. So sweet of you.
2.10 A Roswell Christmas
Carol
MICHAEL: Come on. I got
to get to the hardware store before it closes. I got to get Maria her
present.
MAX: Why? Are you gonna get her a ratchet set?
MICHAEL: Never mind. I'm under a lot of pressure. She's been busting my ass
for weeks about this present. She says it's got to be significant.
MAX: Then you might want to steer clear of the hardware store.
(Scene switches to the
Crashdown. Michael rings the bell and Maria goes up to the counter expecting
to pick up an order)
MICHAEL: I need to talk to you.
MARIA: Yes, spaceboy?
MICHAEL: We got 3 days til Christmas, and I'm working every day until then.
MARIA: And?
MICHAEL: I was wondering if it was necessary to exchange presents on
Christmas day.
MARIA: Need a little wiggle room?
MICHAEL: If that would be all right. I mean, what's a couple days? You know,
I figure we can make a date for the 27th or 28th.
MARIA: Sure. No problem. How about the, uh, second week of january? I mean,
what is Christmas but some arbitrary day. What is it again? Oh, yes. The
birthday of our lord and savior. It's no big deal. MICHAEL: So, that's cool?
MARIA: You give me that damn present on December 25th, or I'll never speak
to you again.
(Switch to the inside of
the UFO Center. Maria has brought Brody's usual lunch for him and is looking
around for him)
MARIA: Hello? Brody?
BRODY: Maria. Hi.
MARIA: Ok. Flash update on my non-boyfriend Michael Guerin. First of all, he
had no intention of buying me a Christmas present, right? Then, he tried...
BRODY: Maria. I'm sorry. This just really isn't a good time.
(Switch to the hardware
store. Michael shows Isabel the present he's going to give to Maria - an
electric toothbrush)
ISABEL: This is a toothbrush.
MICHAEL: It's an electric toothbrush. It's practical.
ISABEL: It is practical. Are you gonna give it to Maria as a stocking
stuffer?
MICHAEL: Hell no. This is gonna be her present. She set a price limit. If I
exceed that budget, then there's gonna be hell to pay.
ISABEL: Actually I think Maria would find it in her heart to forgive you for
exceeding the price limit, though there would be hell to pay if you gave the
girl you love an electric toothbrush for Christmas. You're better off
getting her no gift at all.
MICHAEL: No. I tried the "no present" idea last year. It didn't work.
ISABEL: Last year was your first year together, and you didn't give her a
present?
MICHAEL: Hey, I don't even believe in this, so why should I get sucked into
it? The whole thing's a marketing scam invented to make people buy things
they don't even need.
ISABEL: Well, you could write that on the card when you give her a dental
product for Christmas.
MICHAEL: So, what should I get her?
ISABEL: Okay, look. Go home. Think about all that you and Maria have shared,
all that she means to you. Then start coming up with some ideas, ok? A
Christmas gift should be personal, thoughtful, and something someone would
never get herself.
(Switch to Michael's
apartment. Michael is fixing up a bumper. Isabel comes in with her arms full
of presents)
MICHAEL: It's a bumper.
ISABEL: Yes, I see that.
MICHAEL: For a Jetta.
ISABEL: Hmmm. How did what I said yesterday result in this?
MICHAEL: It meets all your criteria. It's personal, because I personally
know what a bug she has up her ass about how much we screwed up her car.
It's thoughtful, because I had to go to the junkyard and get it, and it's
something she would never get herself for the obvious reason that her
bumper's been hanging from a string for the past half-year.
ISABEL: Ok, Michael. This is what I'm gonna do. I am going to take the
Christmas dog show off my calendar and take you shopping and rectify this
situation.
MICHAEL: No. I'm not gonna get obsessed over this present. This is fine. I'm
not gonna make everyone else around me miserable.
(Switch to Michael's
apartment. Maria goes there to look for him to talk about what happened in
Phoenix)
MARIA: Spaceboy...
(Michael, who has been polishing the bumper, quickly covers it as Maria
walks towards him)
MICHAEL: What's up?
MARIA: I just wanted to let you know that I heard about what you did for
Sydney and those children.
MICHAEL: Thank Max. I was against it.
MARIA: This whole...thing with Sydney has made me realize how stupid I've
been about this gift thing. I don't need a gift.
MICHAEL: I actually got you one.
MARIA: You did? Really?
MICHAEL: Yeah.
MARIA: Yea, I'm so excited. What is that smell?
(Maria pulls off the covering to the bumper)
MICHAEL: No, it's not...it's not dry yet.
MARIA: Is that a bumper? It...it's a bumper.
MICHAEL: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARIA: Is that, like, a Jetta bumper?
MICHAEL: Not yet, but it's gonna be.
MARIA: Michael...that is so thoughtful.
MICHAEL: That's what I keep saying.
MARIA: I mean, my bumper has been hanging...
MICHAEL: From a string. I know.
MARIA: And I...I would have never, you know...
MICHAEL: Got one for yourself. Exactly. So...merry Christmas.
MARIA: Thank you, Michael. Thank you. So you want to exchange gifts now?
MICHAEL: Huh?
MARIA: Are one of those for me? One of those are for me.
MICHAEL: Yes, I'll go get it.
MARIA: Ok, which one? Is...is it the big one?
MICHAEL: Turn around.
(Michael walks over to the pile of presents and rummages through them,
wondering which one of Isabel's gifts he will give to Maria. Near the
bottom, though, there is a present with a note on it - "Michael, just in
case. Love, The Christmas Nazi". Michael smiles, removes the note, and walks
back to Maria and hands her the present)
MICHAEL: Merry Christmas.
MARIA: Whoo-hoo-hoo. What is it? What is it?
MICHAEL: That's a good question. Now remember, I was in Phoenix saving
lives, so I was a little strapped for time.
MARIA: Ok.
MICHAEL (silently): Oh, please, God.
MARIA: Michael...these are real pearls.
MICHAEL: What?!? Wow! Of course.
MARIA: My God, this must have cost you a fortune.
MICHAEL: I'm sure they will.
MARIA: These are the most beautiful earrings I've ever seen, but I don't
need this gift. This year my gift is you.
(Maria hugs Michael tightly)
MICHAEL: So you don't want the earrings, then?
MARIA: Oh, no. I'll keep the earrings.
(Michael lets out a huge sigh of relief)
MAX: You're going to
midnight service? You don't believe in anything.
MICHAEL: Gotta hedge your bets, Maxwell. I've had my prayers answered twice
in the past 2 days. Don't ask. You ok?
2.11 To Serve and
Protect
None from this episode.
2.12 We Are Family
None from this episode.
2.13 Disturbing Behavior
(They watch as Laurie is
led out of the station, still struggling, and strapped to a guerney. She's
then loaded into an ambulance which takes off. Michael and Maria follow in
the Jetta)
MARIA: (glancing over at Michael as he's driving) So just to put this out
there, I'm assuming that we're back together again?
MICHAEL: I'm not going to get into this relationship stuff right now.
MARIA: You don't have to. Actually, I'd prefer that you didn't say anything
at all. I'm just telling you that if we're chasing down some crazy girl in
the middle of the night, the only reason that I'd do something so nuts is
because you and I were dating again.
MICHAEL: Whatever.
MARIA: I told you not to say anything.
AMY: Uh, hello?
MARIA: (puzzled) Hello?
AMY: That's right. This is your mother. I confiscated Liz's phone. Where are
you?
MARIA: I-I'm still in New Mexico, Mom.
AMY: Oh, that's cute. Where are you?
MARIA: On our way to Arizona.
AMY: Why?
MARIA: We're--we're being free spirits, mom.
AMY: That means you're going to Sedona to get stoned and have sex in the
hills?
MARIA: Mom!
AMY: Do you think I wasn't seventeen once? Do you think I didn't do crazy,
stupid things with a really bad boy when I was your age?
MARIA: Yes, I know you did, Mom -- Dad.
AMY: Let me talk to him.
MARIA: No. Why?
AMY: Put him on the phone now!
MARIA: She wants to talk to you.
MICHAEL: (trying to push the phone away) What? No! Get it-- are you cra--
Hey, Mrs. DeLuca.
AMY: Michael, I want you to listen to me very, very carefully. On this
glorious, rebellious, lost weekend of yours, you will take care of my
daughter. You will protect her and be kind to her, and she will have fun.
You will not get matching tattoos, and you will not allow her to pierce any
part of her body that cannot be shown in polite company. [Sniffles] And,
Michael, if you have sex with my daughter, I will hunt you down and kill you
like the mangy dog you are. Okay?
MICHAEL: Okay.
AMY: Call me if you need bail money.
MARIA: What'd she say?
MICHAEL: [Sighs] she wants you to have fun.
2.14 How The Other Half
Lives
[Scene: Dupree Dining
Room. Maria is tenderly tending to Michael�s shoulder wound.]
MARIA: Brave...[Kiss on the forehead] Handsome...[Kiss on the nose]
hero...[Kiss on the lips]. [Dark Ilk�s comments: J to all the Candygals out
there! J]
MICHAEL: [Wincing slightly at the pain] Wounded hero. I gotta get back to
Roswell...let Maxwell work on that shoulder.
MARIA: Alright, whenever you�re ready, Spaceboy.
MICHAEL: Maria, let me ask you something.
MARIA: Mm.
MICHAEL: [Obviously having a lot on his mind] What would you think if Laurie
moved in with me? [Maria�s face registers shock, but she holds her tongue as
he continues] I mean, like we said, she�s kind of my sister.
MARIA: She is.
MICHAEL: Yeah...but after all she�s been through, she probably needs some
peace and quiet.
MARIA: Probably.
MICHAEL: And a chance to get away from all the alien stuff and...if she
lived with me...well...I�m kinda a magnet for the intergalactic trouble.
MARIA: Yeah�
MICHAEL: What�s gonna happen to her? We can�t leave her here with these
freaks.
MARIA: Well, that�s something we can handle. All we need is a lawyer. [She
kisses him]
2.15 Viva Las Vegas
MARIA (giving intro
review to episode): All right, what you need to know about them. They have
special powers, of course. They use Tabasco sauce by the crate. And trying
to have a relationship with them, it's like suicide. I mean it... it's like
typical bad relationship stuff, but even weirder.
MARIA (trying to
convince him to let her go on the trip to Las Vegas): Come on. Nobody can
spend money like I can spend money. You need me on this trip, Michael.
MICHAEL: All right, tag along. But you are coming in a completely
professional capacity only. This isn't some kissy-kissy romantic retreat. I
have stuff to do.
MARIA: (Very happy) Thank you, thank you. (she kisses him on the cheek)
MICHAEL: Hey, hey. Don't go telling everybody, and let's keep this low
profile. Seriously!
Maria starts walking fast, and the she begins to run
MARIA: (Coming up behind
them) Amazing news. I have an audition.
MICHAEL: Now, keep with me here folks I'm here to win and I don't see you.
MARIA: Hello? Don't you know what my dream has been since, like, the
beginning of time? It's to start my singing career in a smoky Vegas, supper
club.
Michael rolls the dice and ignores Maria
STICKMAN: 7 winner.
MICHAEL: Sweet.
MARIA: I'll be up on stage right? In front of a great band, and I'll belt
out some torch songs, there'll be a spotlight, my makeup will be perfect.
I'll have...
MICHAEL: Maria, we had an agreement. Beat it.
MARIA: Are you not listening to me? This could be my big break, right now.
Don't you want to come, and like cheer me on, and like give me a...
STICKMAN: 7 winner.
MICHAEL: Oh! The king, ladies and gentlemen.
MARIA: Michael!
MICHAEL: Maria. I'm in the middle of something important.
Maria leaves, disgusted.
MARIA (answering phone):
Honeymoon suite, Margarita speaking.
MICHAEL: Maria, it's me.
MARIA: Me who?
MICHAEL: Yeah funny.
MARIA: Do you know were I was tonight? I was auditioning to be a stripper.
Little innocent me.
MICHAEL: Did you get the job?
MARIA: You don't even care. This wouldn't have happened if you have been
with me.
MICHAEL: Is there someone else I can talk to?
MARIA: We are talking.
MICHAEL: No, I can't, I'm in jail with Maxwell. What you need to do is shut
your trap and get down here and bail us out.
MARIA: Wait a minute. If you're in jail that means that this is your only
phone call.
MICHAEL: Exactly.
Maria hangs up the phone
In the next scene we
hear a band playing, people dancing, and then we see everyone, except Max
and Isabel, all dressed up and seated at a table.
MARIA: Now this is the Vegas that I love.
Alex strands up and takes a picture of everyone
ALEX: All right. Smile, beautiful people. Yeah, there we go.
MARIA: (To Michael) You cleaned up nice, spaceboy. I'm sorry that he didn't
make it.
MICHAEL: Well I am not. I'm thinking a cheeseburger will go down nice right
now.
MARIA: You had lobster.
MICHAEL: Yeah, but I'm still hungry. I'm gonna go hit the fast food joint
across the street. Green, please.
Maria takes some money out of her dress
MICHAEL: Thanks. (He walks off)
MARIA: Cheeseburger? Why do I even try?
LIZ: Well, at least he wore a tie.
MARIA: Liz, I'm worried. I plan to be a worldly woman, and how can I be,
when Michael is trapped in a world of armpit farts and PlayStation? He's
just so...
We hear drums rolling, they all turn around and we see Michael on the stage
MICHAEL: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight you're in for a rare treat--a dream
coming true. You're gonna love listening to this performer, and even though
she'll never believe it, I love listening to her too.
Maria is in shock, then she smiles
MICHAEL: Please welcome to the stage... Miss Margarita Salt.
Maria starts singing as Michael watches from behind the curtains
Maria stops singing,
everyone is clapping, Maria turns to Michael and motions for him to come
over to her
MARIA: Thank you.
MICHAEL: You're welcome.
They kiss
2.16 This Heart of Mine
2.17 Cry Your Name
2.18 It's Too Late and
It's Too Bad
2.19 Baby It's You
2.20 Off the Menu
2.21 Departure
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