Episodes with Candy Commentary
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Warning: Extreme sarcasm and occasional sappiness ahead! I didn't start out planning do these transcripts. I posted my usual opinions about certain episodes on the Michael and Maria thread at the Crashdown message boards when @nn@, Luna24 and a few other fans asked about the Michael and Maria lines in 'Harvest'. @nn@, Luna24 and the rest were out of the country and therefore had no means to see the episode. Since Maria had a host of good lines in the episode, I posted them. Then I added random commentary. Sean, another fellow fan said my commentary sounded suspiciously like the comments made by Joel, Crow and Tom Servo from Mystery Science Theater 3000. I never thought of it that way but I enjoyed all the rapid-fire bantering that went on in MST3K so that may have influenced on me. Anyway, I added my own tongue-in-cheek comments right after the episode lines. Anyway, from 'Harvest' on, the episode transcripts and commentaries took a life of its own. I did one for every episode. After a while, I decided I'd put them up here since it took me a while to copy down the lines and add my 2 cents in. Might as well record my efforts, right? Unfortunately, when I tried to call up my transcripts from 'Harvest' to 'Max in the City', I found that I couldn't. The threads they were posted on got purged from the Crashdown boards in effort to save disk space. And curses, I never saved copies of them on my computer. So I started with 'A Roswell Christmas Carol'. VERY IMPORTANT NOTE Roswell scripts are property of the WB, Jason Katims Productions and the rest of The Powers That Be. I don't own them so ABSOLUTELY NO infringement or copyright violation is intended. MORE EXPLANATIONS I made an effort to get the transcripts as accurate as I could but they may not be 100% accurate. I didn't include all the scenes from the episodes, just certain ones that I liked. They were scenes primarily with Michael and/or Maria in them because I love them so much. A Roswell Christmas Carol It's the Christmas episode! Time for Michael and Maria to exchange gifts and witty comments! Transcriber/Commentator: Minnie Archive Date: 12/29/2000 Note: M = Maria, Mi = Michael, Mx = Max, B = Brody, I = Isabel, K = Kyle, T = Tess, V = Valenti, A = Amy, L = Liz, At the Christmas tree lot: Mi: Cmon, Max, would you just pick a tree. It’s freezing out here. <All those powers and they couldn’t come up with a heater.> Mx: It’s not that simple. The tree’s got to fall into certain parameters. <Yeah, it has to be green.> Mi: Parameters? <Like I said, green.> Mx: Height, circumference, color, density of foliage. <Are we having a geometry lesson now? Wait, let me get out my notebook.> Mx: Look at this diagram. Max shows Michael a diagram of a tree with instructions. <I don't see any green in there. You sure you have the right diagram?> Mx: You know how my sister gets at this time of year. <Ummmm, obsessive? Like me or my mother, perhaps?> Mi: The Christmas Nazi. <I’m picturing Hitler in a Santa suit. Nope, doesn’t work for me.> Driving everyone insane while having the perfect Christmas. <Wait, is he talking about my mother?> The worse thing you can do is play into it, Max. You gotta fight her, fight the Christmas Nazi. <Obviously, you don’t know my mother.> Max pulls out a ruler to measure the width of a small tree. Mi: Cmon, I gotta to get to the hardware store before it closes. I gotta get Maria her Christmas present. <Awwww, that’s so sweet. He’s getting her a present. But wait … a hardware store? Something tells me Michael isn’t a mall person.> Mx: Why, you going to get her a ratchet set? < Oh, please Lord, no.> Mi: Never mind, I’m under a lot of pressure. <He must be, otherwise, he wouldn’t have come up with the hardware store idea.> She’s been busting my ass for weeks about this present. <insert Beavis and Butthead “Huhuhuhuh” here … Michael said “ass”.> She says it’s gotta be significant. <Well, of course, it does. You love the girl, for goodness sake.> Mx: Then you might want to steer clear of the hardware store. <Again, . You also might want to steer clear of Pep Boys, a lunch catering truck and an oncoming car.> An accident happens while Max, Michael and onlookers watch. A father pushes his daughter out of the way and gets hit by a car. He dies. Mi: Maxwell, let’s go! They leave. At the Evans house: Isabel drags the tree Max bought. It’s a small Christmas tree. Is: This is, by far, the most pathetic Christmas tree I have ever seen. <She obviously hasn’t seen the non-tree I have in my house.> Did you even refer to my diagram? <Uh, no, geometry may not have been his strong suit.> Mx: I had to run out this morning, there were only a few left. <Beggars can’t be choosers.> Is: You know, I give you one tiny assignment and you can’t even handle that. <Hey, it was the geometry thing, okay? It makes everyone’s brain fuzzy.> At the Crashdown: Mi: I need to talk to you. M: Yes, spaceboy. <Yay, the “spaceboy” comment is back. Now I wonder when Quasimodo will make an appearance.> Mi: We got three days until Christmas. And I’m working everyday until then. <Give the boy a medal for working so hard.> M: And? Mi: I was wondering if it was necessary to exchange presents on Christmas Day. <Okay, just for that comment, I’m taking the medal back. > M: Need a little wiggle room? <Honey, that’s not all he needs. J> Mi: If it would be alright. I mean what’s a couple of days? <48 hours? 2,880 minutes? 17,280 seconds?> Yeah, I figure we could make a date on the 27th, 28th. <Yeah, I heard ratchet sets go on sale on those days. Wait, did he just say ‘date’, as in Maria and Michael on a date? Pencil me in, I’ll be there. Uh, I mean, I’ll be in front of the TV watching that date.> M: Sure, no problem. How about the 2nd of January? <No, don’t push it off farther. I can’t wait to see M&M on a date. I want Candy and I want it NOW! > I eman what is Christmas but some arbitrary date. <Some may argue that Christmas actually coincides with winter solstice. But let’s leave that argument for now.> What is it again? Oh, yes, the birth of our Lord and savior. <Ah, I knew it was something like that.> M: So that’s cool. <Ah, Michael, you’re just setting yourself up here.> M: You give me that damn present on Dec. 25th or I’ll never speak to you again. <Told ya.> At the UFO Center: M: Hello! B: Maria! Hi! <Hi, Brody. It’s me, Minnie.> M: Ok, flash update on my non-boyfriend Michael Guerin. <What do you mean, non-boyfriend? He is, too, your boyfriend. Because I say so! ::stomps foot:: Heh.> First of all, he had no intention of buying me a Christmas present, right? <He did too!> The he tried … B: Maria … (interrupts her with a sad look) M: I’m sorry. B: This just really isn’t a good time. <Awww, Brody, come tell Minnie what’s wrong.> M: Oh, okay. B: Listen, I’m going to be away for a couple of days. <Oh, no, not the abduction thing again! Note to other aliens from unnamed planets: Find a hobby. Knitting is good, I hear. So is Christmas shopping and cleaning the house. Stop with the abduction thing already.> You don’t need to bring my lunch. <Can she bring MY lunch?> M: Fine. <Why, thanks, Maria.> M: Is everything alright? <That depends. If you mean getting a Christmas present at a hardware store, then no, it’s not alright.> B: Yeah, fine. <You don’t sound too convincing there, Brody. Come, sit on my lap and tell me all about it.> M: Yeah, okay. (goes to the door) Merry Christmas. B: Yeah. Merry Christmas. (says it sadly) <Okay, who upset Brody? Lemme at ‘em!!!> At the Valenti household: The Valenti men are watching a football game on TV. K: His mind and body are in deep conflict. When one’s heart and one’s mind are not in balance, one’s body is the first to fail. <Yep, that’s what I always say. What? I can be deep.> V: I’m very concerned that you’re starting to make sense to me. <Be concerned. Be very concerned.> K: All I’m saying is if the guy can’t visualize his journey to the goal, he has no chance of taking the rock downtown. <Uh-huh. What he said.> At the store: I: This is a toothbrush. <Why, yes, so it is.> Mi: It’s an electric toothbrush. <Uh-huh, BIG difference there. It’s electric. Much like M&M are. > Practical. <So what are you saying? That Maria has a dental problem?> I: It is practical. Are you going to give it to Maria as a stocking stuffer? <And if Michael says ‘no’ to this question, he’s going to find something being stuffed. And it isn’t a gift.> Mi: No, this is going to be her present. <::hears Michael being stuffed somewhere:: > She set a price limit. <Don’t you mean speed limit? Sorry, had a 285S flashback.> If I exceed that budget, then there’s going to be hell to pay. <Uh, Mr. Adorably Clueless Michael, there will be hell to pay if you get her a toothbrush for Christmas.> I: Actually, I think Maria would find it in her heart to forgive you for exceeding the price limit though there would be hell to pay if you gave the girl you love an electric toothbrush for Christmas. <Did she just read my mind? No, really, did she? ::shakes head:: Izzy, are you dreamwalking me?> You’re better off getting her no gift at all. <Bad idea. Very bad idea.> Mi: No, I tried the ‘no-present’ idea last year. It didn’t work. <Well, duh, of course it didn’t work. I coulda told you that. Why didn’t it work, you ask? Could it because Christmas is a time when you traditionally get the people you love a little something to show them how much they mean to you?> I: Last year was your first year together and you didn’t get her a present? <Yep, he was found a ratchet set and decided to keep it for himself. Hence, the 'no-present' thing. But hey, he didn’t get the nickname clueless Michael for nothing. But despite that, I love the guy. He’s just so … clueless. And adorable. And hot. And his hands are droolworthy. Sorry, went off on a Michael tangent.> Mi: Hey, I don’t even believe in this. <Now there’s a shocker. Not.> So why should I get sucked into it? <Because deep inside Michael, you DO believe. You’re just too stubborn to admit it. That, and you know your limitations when it comes to gift ideas.> The whole thing is a marketing scam invented to make people buy things they don’t even need. <Nah, really? Tell us how you really feel, Michael.> I: Well, you could write that on the card when you give her a dental product for Christmas. <LMAO! Better yet, he could write on the card, “Here. No, you don’t have a dental problem. I’m just clueless. Love you. Always.” Awwwww!> Mi: So what should I get her? <Ummm, a new car? Heh. How about M&Ms? Lots of them. No, wait, that’s my present. Hey, a simple declaration of your undying love for her would work.> I: Okay, go home. Think about all that you and Maria have shared. <Can I give him tapes of my season 1 eps so he remembers every little Candy moment? Please, can I?> All that she means to you. <She means everything. He loves her.> A Christmas gift should be personal, thoughtful and something someone would never get herself. <And if you give her some lame electric toothbrush or even a foot massager, I’ll never forgive you.> Now I’ve gotta go because I’ve got a rehearsal for the holiday pageant, dinner at the nursing home and wrap a ton of presents and now I’ve got to get a new tree. <You forgot the ‘save the baby seals’ pancake breakfast, the Greenpeace raffle, the ever burgeoning I-know-an-alien-club membership pledge drive and my present. Which is at Nordstrom. Go. Get it. Now. > Mi: Hail, the Christmas Nazi. <::pictures Nazi elves and cracks up::> I: What was that? <Ooooh, you are in trou-ble!> Mi: Nothing! <Um-hmmmm, sure.> I: Bye now. <Remember to get my present, Izzy! Nordstrom. Third floor. Gift certificate.> At a street corner: On the street, Maria and 4 other carolers are singing in front of the ghost’s house. The ghost is the man who died in the car accident. They also go to another house. Caroler: Okay, last house of the night. Five year old girl with cancer. <> The little girl emerges from the house as the carolers sing. Syd: Daddy, come here! Brody walks out of house. Maria sees him. Her eyes widen in surprise, then look a little sad and concerned. The next day at Brody’s house: B: Maria. <Yep, that’s her name alright.> M: Hey. B: What are you doing here? <Hmmm, is this is a philosophical question? If it is, then I don’t know. What are we really doing here? I mean, what is our purpose in life? Why do we exist? What is existence? Who invented liquid soap and why? Okay, I totally stole that line from ‘The Sure Thing’. Oh, you say, it’s not a philosophy thing? Oops. Never mind. Heh. > M: I don’t know. I’m just here. <Good answer, Maria. Even though it wasn’t a philosophy thing, you managed to capture the essence of the question with those last three words.> B: You’re wondering about Sydney. <Yeah. Like when am I ever going to get the chance to go there. Oh, you meant your daughter, Sydney, not Sydney, Australia. Geez. I need some sleep.> M: Yeah. B: She’s my daughter. <And what an adorable little girl she is.> M: She’s very beautiful. <Yep, that too.> B: She’s staying with me for a few days. You know, for Christmas. <Well, I didn’t think it was for Ground Hog Day.> M: Oh. She has, uh … N: Cancer. Yeah. It’s in her bone marrow. Inoperable. <But, but, but … she’s so young. And precious. And adorable. Oh, God, that statement just tore me up inside. Cancer. ::sniffles::> M: I’m sorry. <Yeah, me too.> B: I know you and I talk a lot and that I’ve never mentioned her. <Ummm, by my count they’ve only had 2 convos. Is that a lot? > I just don’t … it’s hard. You know, to talk it about. <I understand. Now let me cry my eyes out because this is just so sad.> M: If there’s anything I can do, anything at all. <Someone pass me a hankie. Please. I think I’m blubbering.> B: Thank you. You did enough last night. You have a beautiful voice. <Now THAT’s how you talk about Maria and her singing. You hear that, Michael?> S: Daddy, I can’t get my crown to fit right. Who are you? <She has her father’s knack for asking philosophical question. Let see, who is she? She is the one. The one. You know, THE one that Michael loves.> M: I’m Maria. You must be Sydney. Is that a Christmas present you’re wearing? <No, Maria, it’s a dress. A lovely pink one. She’s dressed as a princess.> B: Sydney’s going to be in the holiday pageant this afternoon, aren’t you sweetheart? <Awwwww.> Brody goes over to Sydney to help her put her tiara on. B: Big, isn’t it? (referring to the tiara) There we go. Lovely, isn’t it? <::cries:: Kleenex, I need Kleenex. Damn Christmas ep. No, wait, wonderful Christmas ep.> While this convo is going on, the camera focuses on Maria’s face. <You can really see the concern in her eyes. Damn, my Kleenex box is almost empty.> At Michael’s apartment: M: Bumper. <Fits on car. Car drives away. Car goes to 285S and more snappy banter between M&M ensues. They share nookies at the porno version of Aladdin. Oh, I like this idea.> I: Yes, I see that. <See, even she likes it.> M: For her Jetta. <Which Michael loves. Because Maria owns it. And he loves her. Yep, definitely liking this idea.> I: How did what I say yesterday result in this? <The word clueless comes to mind.> Mi: It meets all your criteria. It’s personal because I personally know what a bug she has up her ass about how we’ve screwed up her car. <Insert another Beavis and Butthead-ism, “Huhuhuhuhuh, Michael said “ass” again. That’s two.> It’s thoughtful because I had to go to the junkyard to get it. <Did you also manage to pick some spare tires? How ‘bout a wrecking ball? Some dented fenders would be good. Ah, say what you will, but you gotta love Michael when he’s in his “What? What did I do wrong now?” mode.> And it’s something she would never get for herself for the obvious reason that her bumper’s been hanging on a string for the past half year. <Well, isn’t that sweet? He noticed her bumper. No, wait, that isn’t sweet. That is such a guy thing. Bumper indeed. Hah. > I: Okay, Michael, this is what I am going to do. I’m going to take the Christmas dog show off my calendar and take you shopping and rectify the situation. <Oh, dear Lord, Michael in a mall? What is the world coming to? First a bumper, then Michael shopping? That’s it. Armageddon is here. Either that or hell just froze over.> Mi: No, I’m not going to get obsessed over this present. <Gee, you coulda fooled me, Michael. That’s all you’ve been talking about this whole ep. If that’s not obsessed, then I don’t know what is.> This is fine. <A bumper may be many things but it is not fine.> I’m not going to make everyone else around me miserable. <Awwww, he’s so considerate. Now, get off your butt and get Maria another present.> Is: What are you saying? That I get obsessed and make everyone around me miserable? <No, he’s not saying that. He wouldn’t. Oops, looks like he did. Duck, Michael. You don’t want her pissed.> Mi: I didn’t say that. <Too little, too late there, buddy.> I: You know, is it too much to ask that for one day a year, I could be a normal human being with a normal life and have a merry Christmas? <Uh, what was the question again? Your bouncy curls distracted me. They’re lovely, by the way.> Mi: No, mein Fuhrer. <Okay, you really have to duck Michael. She’s gonna pin you with her icy queen bitchy stare. Which I totally love. Be afraid. Be very afraid.> I: What? <There goes that stare.> Mi: What? <Ah, another "Huh?" Michael look comes to the rescue.> I: Sorry if I left some gifts here. I have some more shopping to do. <Unlike some people.> Mi: Leave them on the table. I: Bye bye then. At the pageant: L: Oh my God, Maria! <Look, up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane … no, it’s Spiderman.> M: I’ve been crying all day. <No, don’t cry because of Spiderman. Okay, I’ll get serious here and say I’ve been blubbering for half this ep.> L: Oh, Maria. M: Liz, I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to be there for Brody. <Watjutalkinbout, Willis?> L: Yes, definitely. You know we could put together a care package from the Crashdown so they don’t have to worry about making food. <That is such a sweet offer. Michael, are you listening?> M: No, no, no. I mean I’m going to be with them. <::lightly taps head a couple of times:: Did she just say what I thought she said?> L: What are you talking about? M: Brody is such a good man. <That he is.> And Sydney … we only spoke for a minute but we had this immediate connection. <Kinda like me and the TV screen. Cmon, you guys can’t tell me you don’t have a connection with your TV! Esp. when Roswell comes on.> A girl needs a mother. <Oh, just tug at my heart strings, why don’t you?> L: Maria, slow down. <Yes, you passed ‘Go’ and didn’t collect $200.> M: I can’t take it anymore, Liz. <You weren’t, by any chance, referring to Michael’s season 1 sweaters, were you?> It’s so sad. <Sad wasn’t exactly the word I had in my mind when it comes to his season 1 sweaters. More like atrocious.> I have to do something. <Take the boy shopping. Scratch that idea. You go shopping.> ***Sorry, I do not mean to gloss over or even belittle this serious subject. It’s just that it is so heart wrenching, that I cannot help but lighten it up a bit.*** L: Maria, you’re 17. You’re in high school. Brody is not. <Yep, that’s Liz. Queen of the understatement. > M: My mother was married when she was 17. <So? My mother was married when she was 23. Wanna compare notes?> Ok, no, it’s not exactly an advertisement for marrying young. <No, but perhaps it’s an advertisement for ‘What was I thinking?’> L: Maria, you can’t just step in and become someone’s mother. <She’s right. I really liked this convo between Liz and Maria because Liz focused on Maria’s problems and not her own. She was totally there for Maria. Go Liz!> And what all of a sudden, you’re just going to be with Brody? <Aaaah, no! Brody is mine! Mine, I tell you. Just substitute Michael for Brody and then Maria can be with Michael.> Did Brody say something to you? <Well, he said a lot of things to me! Well, at least he did … in my dreams. Does that count?> Did you talk to him about this? <My guess is no.> I mean, what’s making you think this? M: He said he liked my voice. <Oh, yeah, that would do it. It’s a typical mating ritual, you know. A guy compliments a girl’s voice and then they rush off to the altar to hear wedding bells. Sure.> Oh my God, what am I thinking? <Exactly my question, Maria.> I’m going to marry Brody? I mean, I’m crazy. <No, you’re not. You funny, beautiful, smart-alecky, loyal, etc. but not crazy. Okay, maybe a tiny bit but that’s why I love ya.> L: No, you’re not crazy. It’s … it’s just killing you not to do something about this because you are such a good person. <Finally! Somebody acknowledges what a wonderful person she is! Can we have some more of that, please? Writers? Please? I’ll send you M&Ms if you do.> But I think the best thing you could do is leave them alone. Their time is precious right now. You should let them have their time together. <I loved this speech and wholeheartedly agreed with what she said. It was inspired and I had goosebumps. Goosebumps, I tell you. There, see? ::points to her goosebumpy arm:: Got them again!> M: I mean, it’s so wrong. <No, what’s wrong is Michael not getting you a present for Christmas last year. Now that’s just wrong!> It’s Christmas. Christmas is supposed to have happy endings and miracles. <Hmmmm. M&M exchanging Christmas presents. M&M having a happy ending. Me being very happy. Me doing cartwheels and not falling on my face. Now that’s a miracle. I say it, “Bring it on!”> At Michael’s apartment: Michael is banging on the bumper with a hammer. He’s wearing a Metallica shirt, the one that was hanging in Courtney’s shrine. Courtney … you remember her, right? Flaky skin, died a couple of eps ago? ‘Course you do. Max, Michael, Isabel and Tess are there. Max has come up with a plan to heal Sydney to ‘restore the balance’ because he failed to heal that other man who died in a car accident. Mi: You heal her and you leave behind a silver handprint. <That’s not all he’ll leave behind. Smirk. I’ll leave that to your imagination.> And that leaves big fat clues that there are aliens in Roswell. <Hmmm. Big. Fat. Aliens. OMG, could it be? ::wonders:: He’s saying Santa’s an alien!!! I knew it, I just knew it.> Mx: Nasedo destroyed all the records from the Special Unit. <With a little help from that paper-shredding fiend. Oh, yeah, and the Congresswoman too! > It’s possible no one know who we are or what the silver handprint is. <It’s also possible Marilyn Manson will suddenly become a monk. Hey, it could happen.> Look, I know what I’m asking here is big. There are a million reasons not to do it but only 1 reason to do it. <Because I want to. So there! Funny, that reason never works with my family.> I need to. <Maybe I should try saying that instead.> I don’t know what else to say. <Okay, I haven’t tried that approach yet.> I: What we’ve been through this past year, it’s taken a lot away from us. <Have they ever! They took a lot of our Candy away from us.> I think maybe that sort of thing starts to take its toll. <Yep, it sure does. Sleep? What’s that? Food? Only if it comes in the form of M&Ms. Drink? Okay, I’ll give on this one. In other words, we can’t sleep, we can’t eat … it’s an obsession … a search … a quest … bring us more M&M!> You know, on our human side. So if you feel you need to do this, then I’m behind you. <Thanks, Izzy!> Mx: Thank you. T: Look, if this mean so much to you, I’m sure there’s a good reason for it so I’m with you too. <*sniffle, sniffle* Thanks, guys, I feel the love.> Mx: Michael. Mi: Hey, we’re here for a reason, Max. <Ah, the saga of Michael and Max continues. Tune in tomorrow for another episode of the Young and the Clueless.> So call me a selfish jerk <You sure about that? Okay, you asked for it. You’re a selfish jerk. But I still love you anyway. Underneath that jerky exterior lies a sweet, sensitive guy. Let him out for some air once in a while.> But I don’t think we should risk everything so you could feel a little bit better about yourself for Christmas. <Ah, Mr. Sensitivity. Doesn’t that just warm your little heart?> That’s three against one. I’m voted down anyways. <Well, look at this way, Michael, At least, it wasn’t 2-2. You’d have to have a recount, examine dimpled chads, go to the state courts, head to the Supreme Court, etc. Then before you know it, you’d have to give a concession speech and see some guy named W as president. Trust me, you’re better off with the 3-1 ratio.> Mx: Michael. <That’s his name, don’t wear it out.> Mi: You made your decision before you walked through that door. <Hah, Michael’s psychic! Hey, I knew that too. Does that make me psychic?> So why don’t you just do what you’re going to do and make sure you don’t screw up? <And that’s Michael’s version of an encouraging speech. > At the Valenti household: I loved Tess’ top in this scene! Tess is putting some last minute touches on the Christmas tree. T: Ok, I think we’re just about ready. <No, wait, I’m not ready. ::scrambles off the couch to grab a drink:: Okay, now you can go.> Kyle, could you grab two more dining room chairs? <Oh, how sweet. For me?> I looked through the garage but couldn’t find any. <Heh, guess what Tess found instead? Yep, Kyle’s old socks. Guess where they went? Yep, the trash.> K: That’s because there aren’t any. <Cmon, everyone knows that the garage is just meant for sock drying, not chair storage! Right? Right?> T: What do you mean? <Oh, you mean you didn’t know that?> K: Uh, we don’t have any chairs. <He’s waving those hands around a la Brendan. Sigh> T: All we have are two chairs? <Well, what do you want? A partridge in a pear tree? Two calling birds? Three french hens, four turtle doves, five golden rings?> Doesn’t that seem a little odd to you? <No, odd is using the Christmas tree to dry socks.> V: We used to have more chairs but over the years our collection has dwindled. <That’s because Kyle insisted on using them to dry his socks too. They didn’t hold up obviously.> T: So it doesn’t bother you that there are only two chairs in the entire house? <Actually, they loved those other chairs so much, they decided not to replace them. Painful memories, you know. They’re both really torn up those chairs. On the inside, of course.> V: We usually eat in front of the TV. <I rest my case. If there ever was such a poignant statement about the pain of missing chairs, this was it. The Valentis couldn’t even bear the thought of eating at the table, sitting on chairs because dammit, they missed the other ones so much.> K: He’s never going to pick up that spare. <Poor Kyle. He’s still in denial about those chairs. He’s trying to sublimate his pain by watching sports.> Cmon, look with in. <Take your own advice, Buddha boy. Deal with the pain of losing the chairs.> T: I have been cooking for 20 hours <Whoa! Someone can cook for 20 hours? That’s a new one for me. She must be really tired. Or she just misses the chairs.> while you two have been sitting on the couch like two beached whales. < I can’t even add to that. Let’s just leave that one alone.> Not even noticing or caring that I am living here. <Okay, she’s yelling this out but it struck a chord within me. She’s feeling lonely and outcast. Like she has most of her life probably.> HE-LLO! Okay, I am here! HE-LLO! <I think they heard you the first time. But you tell em, girlfriend!> So since I’m living here, I should have a damn chair to sit in! <And while she’s giving out a list of demands, let me add my two cents. She should have a damn car too. Oh, wait, she does. Okay, she should have a damn calling card, her own damn cell phone, her own damn computer and her own damn bathroom. And thrown in her own damn house. Did I miss anything?> V: Could always bring my desk chair over. <Oh, no, not THAT! Not the desk chair! Someone please spare us from THAT!> K: Good idea. <*sigh* Were even listening to me?> T: Oh, and uh, where is Amy De Luca going to sit? <On Jim’s lap, maybe?> V: Amy De Luca? Why does Amy De Luca need a place to sit? <Because it’s tiring to eat dinner while standing?> T: Because I invited her over to dinner. <Heheheheheheh.> V: What? <Ok, let me repeat that again. She invited her over for dinner. Got that now?> K: Well I figured if we had a guest, you two would shut off the TV and pretend to be civilized. <Now why would they want to do that? It’s fun to be uncivilized.> V: When is she coming? <Oh, you had to ask.> The doorbell rings. T: Uh, about now, actually. <Gotcha!> V: Oh my God. No, no, no, no. <Hey, has he been taking lessons in saying ‘no’ from Maria?> Cmon now, don’t do this to me. <Too late now. Looks like she already did.> He tucks in his shirt and starts to clean up the coffee table. Cmon, help me out, will ya? <Okay. See that door right there? It’s called a closet? The broom’s in there. I hear it’s handy for cleaning stuff up.> V: Don’t even invite someone over to dinner without telling me first. <Note to self: Don’t ever invite friends to dinner without telling the sheriff first. Of course, that would be hard seeing as he’s a fictional character. What do I do, storm the set of Roswell and ask pretty please if I could have Joe, Georgia and Ray over for a meal?> Geez, Louise. <There’s someone named Louise in this show? Where? Have I met her? Please tell me she’s not another alien.> Kyle clears coffee table of chips. The sheriff takes a deep breath before opening the door. V: Hi, Amy. A: Hi, Jim. Hi everyone. It is so nice for you to think of me, Jim. And I loved your note. <::whistles innocently:: Wonder who sent him the note? Well, it wasn’t me if that’s what you’re saying. It wasn’t, I tell you!> V: My note? <Heh, Valenti takes a stab at being clueless.> A: I miss you too. <Awwwww!> Max decides to break into Brody’s house to heal Sydney. Sydney and Brody are gone. In Michael's apartment: Mx: She had a relapse. She’s in the hospital in Phoenix. <Oooooh, do I sense a road trip? Quick, Max, to the Jetta-mobile!> Mi: And? Mx: And I’m going. <Is Maria going too? Please say she’s going.> It may be a little more dangerous now. <Rats, that means Maria’s not going. Fine, be that way.> I just thought you should know. <He should also know a bumper is not all that when it comes to presents.> Mi: I’m going with you. <What, and you’re leaving Maria behind?> I just want to keep you from getting us all killed. <That, in Michael-speak, is ‘I worry about you and don’tr want anything bad to happen.’> At the household with only two chairs: K: Is that three-cheese potatoes gratin? <It is? Damn, and I thought it was a paperweight.> T: With bacon on the bottom, your favorite. <Dare I say it? Someone’s got a cruuuuushh.> In the kitchen: K: Well, this is uh, this is really great. <His tummy thanks you in advance.> T: Well, I saw a break in the NFL schedule between the 22nd and 24th of December so I figure, you know … <There’s a break? Where? Okay, who’s the wise guy that told me the 49ers were playing on the 23rd?> K: Right. Well, this is the best Christmas dinner we’ve had in a long time. <You mean, one that didn’t come out of a cardboard box or a restaurant kitchen.> I mean two guys living alone. <Uh-hmmmmm. Tell me more. > We just never really had the Christmas spirit. <Obviously, the Christmas Nazi hasn’t come by your house.> T: Well, it looks like he’s got the spirit now. (referring to the sheriff) <Uh, ah, he’s got the spirit, yeah! Uh, ah, he’s got the spirit, yeah! That was literally a Christmas cheer.> K: That’s a really great gift that you gave him. To both of us I mean. <Can we get an “Awwww” right here?> T: This is a great gift to me too. <Okay, where’s my great gift? Izzy?> At the Phoenix hospital: Max and Michael are dressed in blue hospital scrubs. They are outside the pediatric oncology room. Mi: One knock means “Be on your guard.” Two means ‘The coast is clear.” And will mean ‘We’re screwed.” <And four knocks mean he loves Maria. Five knocks mean he wants to marry her eventually. Six knocks mean he wants her to father his children eventually. What? That’s what it means, right?> Mx: Right. <Max agrees with me.> Max heals Sydney and the other kids in the room. Nurse: Excuse me, I was supposed to check this ward. Mi: I’ll save you the trouble. Someone’s checking them. <Healing them too. Don’t forget about that.> Guards come by and Michael knocks on the door repeatedly. He goes into the room and seals the lock with his powers. Max’s power starts to fade. He collapses. Guard: Open this door now. Mi: If there is a God, please help us now. <Praying Michael? Now this is a new one.> At Michael’s apartment: M: Spaceboy! <Okay, Michael, your turn. Call her Hurricane De Luca.> Michael covers the bumper he’s working on. Mi: What’s up? <Uh, the sky?> M: I just wanted to let you know I heard about what you did for Sydney and those children. <Wasn’t that just the sweetest, most doveliest thing? I’m such a sap.> Mi: Thank Max. I was against it. <In Michael-speak, that means, ‘Thanks!’> M: This whole thing with Sydney has made me realize how stupid I’ve been about the whole gift thing. <Wait, rewind! Does this speech sound familiar to you? Check this out: "I’m sorry. For that whole 'being the perfect boyfriend' thing. After what happened to Alex last night, that's just, like, not what's important to me at all." That was from Crazy. It had similar undertones. The thing I like about Maria is she does admit to Michael when she’s wrong.> Mi: I actually got you one. <Heh, you just scored major points there, buddy!> M: You did? Really? (excited look on her face) Mi: Yeah. M: Yay, I’m so excited. <So am I. Believe me. I can’t wait to see the look on her our face when she sees the bumper. Something tells me it will be priceless.> What is that smell? Maria uncovers the bumper. Mi: It’s not done yet. <He wants to make it perfect for her. Can I get a candy sigh?> M: Is that a bumper? <No, it’s really the base of a really long Razor scooter skateboard.> It’s a bumper. <Okay, you got me. It’s a bumper. There, happy now?> Mi: Yeah, yeah. M: Is that like a Jetta bumper? <Nah, it’s for his Porsche.> Mi: Not yet but it’s gonna be. <He needs to pound on it a few more times. Just to get the cluelessness out of his system.> M: Michael, that is so thoughtful. <Yeah, thoughtful. That’s the word I’d choose. Seriously, it is kinda nice. In a Michael sorta way.> Mi: That’s what I keep saying. <He looks real relieved here. Oh Michael, you’re not scot-free yet.> M: I mean, my bumper’s been hanging from … <A mistletoe? Kiss, kiss??> Mi: From a string, I know. <Damn, so close … but no cigar! And for his next trick, Michael’s also going to finish Maria’s next sentence.> M: And I would have never, you know … Mi: Got one for yourself. <Damn, I’m good. I predicted it, didn’t I?> Michael kisses Maria’s cheek. <Ahhhhhhhhh! Me jumping up and down!!!> Mi: Merry Christmas. <No, Merry Christmas to YOU, Michael. Now kiss her again. Please?> M: Thank you, Michael. Thank you. <Kiss, anyone?> So you want to exchange gifts now? Mi: Huh? <Oh, that ‘huh?’ is so damn cute. Told you that you weren’t scot-free yet, Michael.> M: Are one of those for me? (points to gifts) <Right about now, Michael’s scrambling to think of a way to tell her they’re not for her.> One of those are for me. <Uh-oh, too late now. Cross your fingers everyone. Let’s hope there’s no bloodletting. > Michael closes his eyes. He’s putting his hands to his face. <Yes! I will now take a short break to bask in the glory of Bren’s hands. *bask, bask, bask*> Mi: Yes, I’ll go get it. <Poor Michael. You look hunted.> M: Which one? Is it the big one? <I have no freakin clue. Neither does Michael.> Mi: Turn around. <Prolong the torture, why don’t you?> Maria turns around. She is smiling, excited. Michael looks all the presents then sees a present Izzy got for Michael to give to Maria. He lets out a big sigh and smile of relief. There is a stickie note on the gift that says “Michael, just in case … The Christmas Nazi.” When Michael peels out the stickie, the tag on the gift says “To Maria, Merry Christmas. Love, Michael.” <He just got his ass bailed out BIG time. Hmmm, now I wonder, where’s my present? Did Izzy forget? That’s okay.> Mi: Merry Christmas. (hands gift to Maria) M: Hoo, hoo, hoo, what is it, what is it? <Hoo, hoo, hoo, I don’t know, I don’t know but I’m sure we’ll find out together. Please don’t let it me a toothbrush, please don’t let it be a toothbrush.> Mi: That’s a good question. <Word.> <Another slight break to revel in a “hands” moment. Bren’s got his hands up to his face. *revel, revel, revel*> He looks worried. Mi: Now remember I was in Phoenix saving lives so I was a little strapped for time. <A little? Try none.> Oh, please, God. He’s closing his eyes, putting his hands to his face again and muttering prayers. <Michael, thrown in a prayer about more great M&M scenes, would you?> Maria opens her present. It’s a pair of pearl earrings. M: Michael! Michael drops his hands from his face and looks down, almost resigned, as if expecting the worst. M: These are real pearls. Mi: What? <Michael, she said, THESE ARE REAL PEARLS!> Wow! <He’s so cute when he’s surprised> Of course. <Smug, aren’t we? Hah. Nice comeback, Michael.> M: Oh My God, these must have cost you a fortune. <Money’s no object when it comes to love.> Michael’s sitting down on a stuffed chair. Maria sits on his lap. Mi: I’m sure they will. <Heh. He knows it too.> M: These are the most beautiful earrings I’ve ever seen. But I don’t need this gift. This year my gift is you. <Oh, damn. Kleenex. Wait, I’m out. Shoot. TP then. I’m crying tears of joy by the way. I swear I heard every CandyClanner sighing when she said this line. Then all of you probably went “Me too, me too!”> Maria kisses Michael twice quickly, a mwah, mwah, lips-smacking kind of kiss. Mi: So you don’t want the earrings then? <Will he ever learn? > M: Oh, no, I’ll keep the earrings. Maria hugs Michael and smiles. Michael closes his eyes, shakes his head and hugs her back. The expression on his face seems to say “I’ll never understand women.” At the Evans house: Mx: You’re going to the midnight service. You don’t even believe in anything. <He does too! He believes in things that start with the letter M … as is Maria … as in Metallica …> Mi: Gotta hedge your bets, Maxwell. <Ah, ever the cynic.> I’ve had my prayers answered twice in the past 2 days. <There’s that awwwing thing again. Can’t help it.> Don’t ask. <I don’t need to ask. I KNOW. Heh.> You okay? Mx: Better. Mi: Your powers? <Can I have ‘em? No? Damn.> Mx: Yeah, they’re starting to come back to me. <Could I at least borrow them for while?> Mi: Good. I just wanted to say that I’m really pissed about what happened last night. <Last night? Something happened last night? Oh, guess I must have blanked out everything that happened before the M&M hug and smoochies.> Mx: Michael, I couldn’t help myself. <Me neither. Can you blame me if my mind goes temporarily blank after an M&M hug and kiss? No, didn’t think so.> Mi: No, no, no, I’m pissed because I didn’t have the ability to help the kids in the hospital that you couldn’t get to. <So is he saying he doesn’t have the ability to heal? He healed Riverdog’s sprained ankle! Or is he just saying that he was pressed for time and didn’t get a chance to heal other patients? Or is he just generally pissed? > Mx: Michael. <How many times has Max said his name in this ep anyway?> Mi: Nuff said. I got a Christmas present for you. <Not another bumper I hope.> C'mon. ***Now I know I have been poking fun at the bumper but I thought it was a nice gift actually. It was definitely original … something Maria would never forget.*** Michael and Max walk to Brody’s house. They see through the window that Bordy and Sydney are sitting in a chair. Brody is reading a story to his daughter. They look happy. <::bawls:: That’s it, I’m buying stock in Kleenex.> At the Christmas pageant, a choir sings ‘O Come All Ye Faithful.’ Maria’s wearing the pearl earrings. Maria looks at Michael and smiles. Michael looks back at her and smiles a half-smile. Isabel is in front. She glances back and rubs the tips of her fingers together in a ‘show me money’ gesture and smiles widely. Michael has an ironic smile on his face. Max arrives, kisses his mother and sits down next to Liz. L: I thought you didn’t believe in God. Mx: I believe in you. <Awwww. My dreamer sis probably swooned at this part, along with the rest of the dreamers.> They clasp hands. It starts to snow. To Serve and Protect An Isabel and Valenti centered episode with barely any Michael in it. But, ah, Maria made up for it with her great lines. Otherwise known as the episode with only 2 Michael lines in it Transcriber/Commentator: Minnie Archive Date: 1/24/2001 Note: M = Maria, Mi = Michael, S = Sean, K = Kyle, L = Liz At the Crashdown: Liz finishes delivering an order to a customer and inadvertently blurts out "hold the Max" instead of "hold the mayo". Maria notices this error. M: Okay, what just happened? L: I need help. I am an obsessed person. <Heh, you and me both.> M: Okay, is this a general freak out or should I be concerned? <Hmmm, be concerned, be very concerned.> L: No, I have Max on my brain 24 hours a day. <So? I have M&M on brain 25 hours a day. Hah, beat that!> Okay, I dream about him, I think about him and now I am saying his frigging name without even realizing it. <And this is bad Ö HOW?> What am I gonna do? <Think upon the situation. Meditate on it. Then watch more Roswell and M&M.> M: Youíre in love, thatís all. <Ah, is that what it is?> L: But itís not getting me anywhere. <Speak for yourself, girlfriend. Obssessing about Roswell just gotten me, uh Ö well Ö itís Ö hmmmm. Oh, I know. Itís gotten my poem published! There, see!> M: Okay, relax, relax, itís not that bad, I promise. <Yeah. What she said.> L: Not that bad? Really? Why donít you look at this? <Ah, my eyes, my eyes! Oh, it's just a picture of Max. Never mind..> Liz pulls out pictures of Max from her pockets. L: Obsession, obsession, obsession, obsession! <Candy, Candy, Candy, Candy.> M: Okay, okay, youíre a Maxaholic. <Iím a Candy-holic and proud of it!> Iím here, what can I do for you? <Isnít it sweet how Maria is always there for Liz? ::grumbles about the one-sidedness of that relationship::> L: Get me a life. <You said it.> <> A face from Mariaís past walks in the cafe. Itís a blonde guy. Kinda cute looking too. M: Oh, you gotta be kidding me. <Look, everyone, itís Brian! Brian from My So-Called Life!> When did you get out? <Uh, Maria, I think that series was cancelled a while ago so heís been out of it for a while.> S: This morning. <Oh. Never mind.> M: You didnít break out, did you? <Break out? Break out of what? Boredom? Oh, you mean prison? Juvie hall? Nah, not Brian!> S: Early release, good behavior. <Told ya!> M: Thatís a first. You Ö you donít think that youíre gonna stay with us, do you? <Yeah. Donít you know thereís this nice spot in the alley at the back of Crashdown near the dumpster where you can crash? > S: Aunt Amy already gave me the ëthumbs upí. <Aunt Amyís been taking way too many lessons from Roger Ebert!> M: She is such a soft touch. <Yeah, that she is.> Sean looks at Liz. S: Hey, Liz. L: Hey, Sean. <My, what scintillating conversation.> S: (to Liz) All grown up. Like it. <Ooooh, the dreamers are not gonna be happy with that one.> S: (to Maria) Iíll see you at home. M: Itís not your home. <Guess that means heís sleeping on the floor.> <> At the Crashdown: Sean is sitting down at one of the tables. M: In case I havenít told you this, you dine and dash here, you die. <Ummm, okay, good to know that.> Sean pulls out some change and some rumpled dollar bills. M: Is there a tip in there? <How about this tip: "Never wear white before Labor Day." What, you never heard of that before?> S: Gimme the burger. <Yeah, give him the burger. Otherwise, he'll be staring at Liz like Max did and it will be Stare-fest revisited.> Maria sits down. M: How about a little talk, hmmm? <Please donít mention the word relationship, please donít mention the word relationship.> Alright, in our house, there are rules. <Oh, thank God, she didnít say the dreaded ërí word again.> And as strange and bizarre and unimaginable as it may seem, we live our lives by these very simple rules. <Those rules wouldn't happen to include wearing white before Labor Day, would they?> Rule 1: Toilet seat is left down. <Word. See toilet seat in upright postion. Grab one part of toilet seat. Bring that part down. How hard is this to do?> Rule 2: Underwear are not left on the floor. <Double word. Floors are meant for rugs, tiles and carpets only, not underwear.> Rule 3: Milk is poured into a glass, not directly consumed by the carton. <Should a clean glass be unavailable, there is always the option of washing a dirty glass and then pouring the milk into it.> Rule 4 ... S: There are a lot of these rules? <Oh, you had to ask!> M: Donít worry, I will write them down for you. Assuming you can read. < I dove her. She just makes my day with these witty one-liners.> S: Of course. <Yes. I. Can. Read. Too.> M: Now pay attention. Rule 4 is very important. Leave Liz alone. <Yes. Don't you know staring is contagious? First you stare at her. Then she stares at you. Then everyone will stare at you both. Then you will still stare at each other. Then everyone will get bored staring at you so they'll stare at themselves. Then they'll get a headache trying and collapse. Then nothing will EVER get done.> S: Why, is she part of the house too? <No, but some people seem to think sheís part of the wallpaper nowadays.> M: Iím not kidding, Sean. She is way, way off limits. <Yeah. Way.> S: Way. <Hey! He said it too.> M: Look, I saw the way you looked at her. (mimics Seanís voice) ëAll grown up, Like it.í No! Itís not gonna happen. (gives him that Deluca glare) <I DOVE HER!> S: Okay. <That's it? Okay? No big arguments? Brian, I mean, Sean, you're disappointing me here. But that's okay because you're cute.> M: Sheís in a very delicate and fragile place in her life right now. <Yeah, sheís giving condiments names like Max. Pretty soon sheíll be calling burgers by the name of Stanley.> L: (in the background, in a frustrated and angry voice) Dammit, Eddie, whereís my order? <Whoa! First she says 'friggin', now she says 'dammit'! What next? Will she say crap? Tune in tomorrow for another episode of 'When Liz Swears..'.> M: Iím serious. <Obviously so is Liz about that order.> S: I heard you, alright? Leave her alone. <Okay, he may leave HER alone but what about Liz leaving HIM alone? > I get it. What do you want from me? <An oath written in blood?> M: Iíll give you the list by the end of the day. <And no, the list will not have pictures or diagrams on it. You can just read the words.> <> At the Crashdown: K: (to Liz) Tess is openly mocking me now. This morning I woke up with little antennae coming out of my head. <Awwww, he probably looked cute with the little bobbing things on his head. Damn, and I missed this?> Sean walks in the cafÈ. S: Yo, M! <Excuse me, did he say ëYoí? Um, shades of Rath much? You know Mariaís not going to let that one slide.> M: M? No, see, in the real world, we use names. My name is Maria. <And what a dovely name it is.> K: (to Liz) Whoís that? <Look up in the sky! It's a bird ... no wait, we're not looking at the sky, we're looking at a guy inside the cafe.> MICHAEL LINE #1: Mariaís loser cousin, Sean. <Cue dramatic sigh: What nuance! What delivery! This line just speaks to me, you know? > S: Can I get some fries, tough guy? <Wait for it.> MICHAEL LINE #2: No. <Give the boy an Emmy! I mean, didnít he just capture your heart when he said that? > M: Sorry, weíre closed. <Does this mean no more Michael lines?> K: (to Liz) Anyhoo, the point is Ö Iím just saying, itís gonna be okay. I mean, weíre both obsessed people but weíll get through it. <Speak for yourself, I donít wanna get over my Roswell and M&M obsession.> At least we have each other. <Whoa, where did that come from? The Loyalists must be swooning at this line.> Liz ignores Kyle and goes over to Sean. L: You know, um, I think the fryerís still warm. I could whip you up some fries. <Uh-huh. Sure. Whatever.> Maria looks at Liz incredulously. S: (to Liz) No, forget it. Iíll grab something at home. <Wonder what it is heíll be grabbing? > M: Itís not your home! Stop calling it that. <Why, do you want him to call it something else? Like Max, maybe? > Youíre just passing through. <*sigh* Another transitory Roswell character?> Sean leaves. M: Youíre not actually thinking Ö <Actually thinking. Hmmm, now there's a thought.> L: No, of course not. <Oh, sure Ö Liz.> M: All I try to do is help. Does anyone listen? <Unfortunately, not all the time. Stupid people. They should listen to her more often.> L: (to Kyle) Iím sorry, what were you saying? <Ummm, he wasnít saying anything because you just brushed him off and went all googly-eyed at Sean.> K: (to Liz) Nothing. I was just talking to myself. <He does that a lot these days.> K: (to Maria) Hey, you got any cousins for me? <How about one for me?> Disturbing Behavior Michael and Maria. Jetta. Road trip. Need I say more? A-ha! Another road trip with the dynamic duo Transcriber/Commentator: Minnie Archive Date: 2/20/2001 Note: M&M = Michael and Maria, Ma = Maria, Mi = Michael, Sc or L = The screamer also known as Laurie, U = Uncle Bobby, A = Aunt Mary M&M are on a rooftop somewhere, staking out the police station: Ma: Ok, that is freaky. (talking about the photo of Laurie’s grandfather) Mi: Yeah, it’s pretty weird, huh? <Hey, you already met your other double Rath so what’s another one? Of course, this one looks more like Farmer John. Sausage anyone?> Ma: Pretty weird, huh? Michael, have you ever even thought of the possibility that this guy more than just looks like you? <Yeah, I think that thought has crossed his mind. Once or twice. In passing. While he was getting a burger and fries.> Like he is you, like he’s your donor. <Well, he sure passed on the family trait of funky hairstyles.> Like your human side is him. <So you’re saying Michael may just sporting overalls just like dear old Grandpa soon? Lord help us.> Which means in some weird and twisted way that he and his relatives are like your family. <Did you guys like notice how many times Maria said the word ‘like’ in this exchange? Like, I did.> Mi: Like Laurie Dupree. <See, now even Michael’s caught on with the ‘like’ thing.> Ma: Exactly. <You mean, like exactly.> Mi: It figures. I finally find a family member and she’s a complete whack job. <Like, what do you mean? ::grin:: To get a little serious here: Michael’s search for his origins and his ‘family’ has been one of the underlying themes of Roswell since the show began. Now that the search has led him somewhere, it’s a little disheartening to know that what he might find is not the ‘something better out there’ that he may have expected. But hey, at least his ‘relatives’ aren’t boring. They’re like, colorful.> M&M each have a pair of binoculars. Maria’s looking through hers. Ma: Whoa! Mi: What? Ma: Someone’s in Gerrickson’s hardware store. <Uh, that someone isn’t looting the place, is he?> Mi: Maria, we’re supposed to be watching the sheriff’s station. <Oh, yeah, because everyone knows watching the sheriff’s station is 1,000 times more interesting than a plain old hardware store. A sheriff station’s got action … it’s got police cars with sirens that go “wing-wing-wing-wing”. A hardware store’s got nothing … unless you consider counting nuts and bolts action.> Ma: I think they’re having sex! <What? Ok, I take back everything I said about the hardware store. Clearly, hardware store = action.> Mi: Whoa! <Yeah, I thought you’d say that.> Ma: He’s not actually going to plug that thing in, is he? <Depends on what's he plugging and where's he plugging in it. Know what I mean?!> Mi: (cheering) Go, baby, go! Yeah! <Typical, just typical. He’s such a guy.> Ma: Sick, man, this town is sick! <Oooh, baby! Want join their sick-ness?:> Michael, something’s happening. <You mean, something besides the hardware store action.> They see Laurie tied down to a stretcher and escorted by cops into an ambulance. M&M follow suit in the Jetta. Ma: So just to put this out there, I assume we’re back together again? <YES!> Mi: I’m not going to get into this relationship stuff right now. <Damn. Well, at least Maria wasn’t the one who said the word ‘relationship’ this time.> Ma: You don’t have to. Actually I prefer that you didn’t say anything at all. <Well, that should be no problem for him. He’s not exactly a candidate for the Talker of the Year award.> I’m just telling you that if we’re chasing down some crazy girl in the middle of the night, the only reason that I’d do something so nuts is because we’re dating again. <Awwwww.> Mi: Whatever. <::sputters:: Whatever? That’s it, that’s all you have to say? Oh, wait, I forgot, you’re somewhat communication-challenged. So I’m going to have to do an intervention, I mean, an interpretation here. Whatever. Hmmmm. ::mulls the answer:: A-HA! He DIDN’T deny Maria’s statement, people! He didn’t! You know what that means, right? ::jumps around in joy::> Ma: I told you not to say anything. <I didn’t say ‘anything’. I just said HE DIDN’T DENY IT!> Laurie manages to untie her bonds and knock out the ambulance attendant. She grabs the wheel from the driver and the ambulance goes into a ditch. Michael runs up to the ambulance. Mi: Hey, can you hear me? <Uh, yes, Michael, stop shouting, we’re not deaf.> Are you guys all right? The ambulance door opens and out pops Laurie who I will now dub as “the screamer”. Mi: No, easy, easy, I’m not going to hurt you. The screamer pushes him aside. Ma: I’m here to help you! The screamer runs straight into Maria, knocking her down. Gun shots rings out from a masked assailant’s rifle. Michael scrambles to find cover by the Jetta, bringing Laurie with him. Mi: Get down, get down, get down! He covers Laurie in protection. Mi: Maria, get in the car! <The way Michael yelled out this line got my heart all a-thumpin. He sounded so WORRIED and concerned about her. It positively gave me a jolt. As the Wicked Witch of East said in The Wizard of Oz, “Aaah, I’m melting, I’m melting!” at this line!> Mi: (to the screamer): Hey, hey, hey! Now you can come with us or stay here and get killed! <Uh, does she have a third option? Like can she phone a friend?> Laurie decides to join them. Michael blows up the hood of the assailant’s car. Mi: Cmon, cmon, cmon. Get in the car, get in the car! <Alright, alright, alright. You don’t have to tell me twice. You don’t have to tell me twice.> As they drive off, the shooter hits one of the Jetta’s side mirrors. Max and Isabel are at the Evans house, watching a TV news report about Laurie’s disappearance from the ambulance and talking to Michael on their respective phones. Michael and Maria are on a road somewhere. Laurie is locked inside the Jetta, slamming stuff and trying to do her damnedest to get out. Michael’s on the phone with Max and Isabel while Maria’s pacing outside the car, surveying the damage. Mx: Where are you? Mi: I don’t know, we’re, um, 30 miles west of Dexter. <Ok, where IS this Dexter place? People keep mentioning it!> Ma: Side mirror, $100 not including labor. <This portion of the show has been brought to you by Mastercard. Keep listing items that need to be replaced but make sure you end it with the tag line “For everything else, there’s Mastercard.”> Isabel: How is she? Mi: Laurie? She’s completely crazy. <Sorry, I prefer the term loony-tunes.> She tried to jump out of the car 3 times while it was still moving. <Hey, did you ever think that she just really, really, really wanted to pee? Maybe she had a Big Gulp at your last stop and had to go, you know?> I had to use my powers to lock her in. <No wonder she’s freaking out inside the car. Let her out, Michael, let her out! She needs to go to the bathroom!> She’s basically like a caged animal. <Honey, you’d be a caged animal if someone locked you in a car with no place else to ‘go’!!! Well, at least, she’s not screaming. Thank God for small favors.> Laurie rips the sun visor off its hinges. Ma: Sun visor, $15 including labor of course. Is: God, the whole state is looking for her. You can’t come back to Roswell, Michael. <You mean, as in ‘ever’ or as in ‘not until you and Maria have had your season 2 version of 285 South’?> Laurie grabs the CD player. Ma: No, no, no, no! Now you’re hurting all of us! <Yeah, getaways always need good background music, you know? No, you didn’t know that? Well, where the heck is that damn script!!???> Mx: We can use any information we can get about the crystal. Try to get her talking. <The screamer doesn’t talk. The screamer mumbles, shakes, runs, falls down and screams. A LOT.> Mi: Oh, yeah, she’s a real conversationalist. <Look who’s talking. ::light bulb goes off:: Now, I KNOW Michael and Laurie are definitely related. Forget the picture of grandpa 1935. Cmon, don’t you see the other similarities? The same distrustful ways, the same tight-lipped demeanor? Of course!!> Ma: Not the dash, not the dash. That is a major deal to replace. <Has she ever had to replace it before? I remember she’s had to replace the back window because of some Uzi shots but the dash?> Do you see this? (to Michael) Mi: (to the screamer) What are you doing? <Michael, I told you, she’s freaking out because she needs to GO now! Cmon, have a heart.> Maria is lying down the hood of the car as Michael talks to Laurie. Mi: Laurie, I’m trying to help you, okay? <Michael, only a bathroom can help her now.> I mean, just tell me if you have any family, how hard is that? <Uh, is this a trick question?> C’mon, you can trust me! <Yeah, don’t see you the big “trust me” sign tattooed on his forehead? You don’t? Damn, I must be seeing things.> I pulled you out of that ambulance, I saved you from the kidnappers. <And I only screamed once.> I mean, what else do I gotta do? <Do a little dance, make a little love to Maria, get down tonight, get down tonight!> Michael beeps horn and jolts Maria. Ma: Michael! That’s it, let’s go, I’m hungry. <Oh, yeah, I forgot. They haven’t eaten since they tailed the screamer from the night before.> Mi: Go? Go where? <To the bathroom, maybe?> Ma: To the Roadside Café. It’s got the world’s worst chili cheese fries in about 100 miles but the best vanilla shakes in 5. <Heartburn and stomach indigestion, here we come!!!> Mi: The cops are looking for her. Ma: Listen, trust me, even the cops give the Roadside a wide berth. <That’s because they don’t serve any donuts! If they served donuts, the cops would be lining up the block.> It’s strictly for us hardcore greasy spoon aficionados. <I like the way she said ‘aficionados’. She emphasized the accent on it.> At the Roadside Café Ma: Ah, the food that time forgot. <Also known as the spaghetti that’s turning into a gelatinous mixture in my friend’s fridge.> Assuming that anything out of a can is a safe bet. The screamer actually speaks!!!! Sc: I have to go the bathroom. <I rest my case. See, Michael, I TOLD you she wanted to go to the bathroom. ::goes into Maria-like speech: Hmmmph, all I do is try and help people but do they listen to me?:: No!> Mi: Fine. Maria. Ma: What? Mi: Go with her. <Go with her? Why so she can scream my ear off in the bathroom?> Ma: Are you crazy? <Well, there seems to some of kind thing running in the family.> Have you ever seen that bathroom? <Um, I hope not. What would Michael be doing in a women’s bathroom? Never mind. Don’t answer that.> It’s one stall, no door. I’m sorry, no thank you. Mi: Well, if you don’t, she’s gonna book. (to the screamer) Isn’t that right? <Book what? A flight to Scream 3 school? Trust me, she doesn’t need the lessons.> Ma: Ok, I’m sorry I’ve had it. (to the screamer) Look, I am not your mommy and I am not your doctor so there’s no frikkin way I’m gonna go in the bathroom with you and hold your hand while you potty. <LMCAO! Well, could you at least hold the door? ::grin:: > Look, we gotta establish a little trust, alright? You trust us, we trust you. <She doesn’t scream again and I don’t scream at her to shut up.> Look, all we wanna do is help you escape the evil aliens that wanna bury you in the woods, remember? <I caught a hint of Betty Osorio’s ‘accent’ as Maria delivered this line.> Is there anybody else in the big bad world that’s gonna do that for you, hmmmm? <Wait, I’m thinking, I’m thinking.> No, see I didn’t think so. <Hey, I wasn’t done thinking.> Look, after you answer nature’s call in that toxic waste dump of a restroom, you have the choice of either A) rejoining us here at the table with a different attitude <that means no more screaming ever> for a nice delicious meal <that means you’ll get heartburn but it will be worth it> or B) you can hoof it to the Mexican border. It’s about 150 miles that a way (points left). <How about adding C) You leave M&M alone for some ‘banter’ time and come back in an hour bearing M&Ms and Krispy Kreme donuts? No? Eh, it was worth a shot.> Ma: (to waitress) Can we get some service here? Laurie goes to the bathroom. Mi: You think it’s gonna work? Ma: Not a chance. But doesn’t matter. The Mexican border’s that a way. (points right) At the Deluca household: Liz: I am certain Maria is fine. <I’m also certain that Maria’s slinging verbal wisecracks to Michael as we speak.> Amy: Oh, she called. She went camping again. <Ah, camping . That must be the code word for ‘road trip with M&M in the Jetta.’> Liz: See, I knew it. Amy: (folding long johns) Do you know what these are? <Uh, are they someone’s failed scarf project?> Liz: Long johns? <Oh, yeah, that’s what they are. ::blush::> Amy: Maria’s long johns. <You sure about that?> Why would Maria leave her long johns and all of her other winter gear at home if she was going in the camping in the middle of February? <Amy, it's time for you to know the big family secret. Those are not really Maria’s long johns and winter gear. Those are Sean’s. He's a cross dresser. ::grin:: No? You’re not buying it?> Here’s a theory from someone who’s had several hours to muse on it. <if she mentions the word ‘relationship’, I will scream!> She didn’t go camping, she lied to her mother just like the other four times she took off for days on end, each time leaving out on the open road another piece of her innocence and my Jetta. <What is this? Could it be? ::blinks in amazement:: Yes, I think it is! Ladies and gentleman, may I present “Continuity” and “A Parent Noticing and Worrying About a Child’s Continual Disappearance”.> Liz, I consider you a friend and extended member of this family and I value the friendship you have with my daughter very much but if you don’t tell everything you know about where the hell she is, I am gonna become very violent with you. <Liz, you’re doing that ‘deer caught in headlights’ look again. Amy vs. Liz? Do I hear strains of Celebrity Deathmatch?> Liz: Mrs. DeLuca, she’s fine. She’s with Michael. <Awwww, that she is.> Amy: I knew it. <Well, if you knew it, why’d you even ask?> Liz: Yeah, but they’re just getting away. <Yeah, from masked assailants and disbelieving cops.> They’re taking in the scenery. <They’re also taking in the ‘food that time forgot.’> Sean: Yeah, the cheap motor inn. <Heheheheh, I wish. ;) > Liz: Sean, shut up. <I like it when Liz gets feisty.> Amy: Alright, give me your phone. <What? No, Liz, tell her to get one of her own!> Liz: What? Amy: Hand it over. <Fine, be the way. But Liz, I’m telling your mother!> Liz gives Amy her cell phone. Amy: She shut her phone off but I’m sure she’ll be turning it off to call you again and when she does, I’ll be here with you to receive the call. You can sit down, you’re not going anywhere until I get my daughter back. <Well, Liz isn’t going anywhere without getting her cell phone back either so hah! She’s going to sit right in your living room and play paddle ball until that happens! Right, Liz?> The screamer is walking by the road. The Jetta creeps in behind her. She starts to run in a field but then stops as she sees M&M chasing her. She sits on a tree stump in the middle of the field. M&M come up to her. Ma: Laurie Dupree, fancy meeting you out here. <Yeah, it’s not exactly Mexico.> So what’s going on? What’s happening? <You want a condensed version of events? She escaped from an ambulance, screamed when Michael tried to help her, tried to kill your car, didn’t eat at the cafe, went to the bathroom and then took off for the road. Entiendes?> Mi: You okay? <Michael, the question should be, 'Are YOU okay after eating those chili cheese fries?'> Ma: Know what? You don’t give you those lips a rest and let me have a talk with spaceboy, okay? <Yeh, all that talking and screaming is just murder on the ears, you know? Plus I think your lips are getting chapped from all the talking. I mean, from all the NOT talking. I dove it when Maria calls Michael spaceboy.> Maria pulls Michael aside. Ma: Okay, you wanna get through to her? You wanna make a connection here? This is what you gotta do. You gotta tell her the truth. <The truth about what? Cats and dogs? ‘Birds and the bees’?> Mi: Forget it. <Okay, fine, I’ll handle the ‘birds and bees’ part.> Ma: Look, you wanna know why you look like Grandpa 1935? She is the key. <Wait, I thought Dawn was the key. The one that was sent to the Slayer for protection. You mean, there’s ANOTHER key?> Ma: So you have two choices, okay? You can let her in on the whole alien conspiracy thing and hope that it shakes something loose from the dusty corners of her brain <Yeah, the ones that she hasn’t deafened from her screaming> or you can … no, you know what? That’s not going to work so look, you have that one option. <What, no phone-a-friend, no poll-the-audience, no 50-50 options? I gotta tell you, this game sucks.> Mi: No, no, no. What's my second option? <Here’s a thought: Kiss Maria!!!!> Ma: You’re not capable of it, I promise. <Oh, trust me, Maria, he’s capable of it. He’s been kissing every damn blonde in Roswell except you. Now it’s about time he kissed you.> Mi: Just say it. Maria steps closer to Michael and grabs his upper arms/shoulders. The best Maria line of the ep comes up next. Ma: FORM.AN.EMOTIONAL.BOND.WITH.LAURIE. <OR.SCREAM.AT.HER.SOME.MORE. Seriously though, I dove the way she said this line, pronouncing each word slowly and punctuating them with sarcastic and serious tones. Ah, Michael, she’s so close and you guys are looking at each other. Kiss, kiss! > Michael shakes his head slightly, disagreeing. <So I take it that's a "no" on the screaming and kissing? Spaceboy, you’ve disappointing me here.> Ma: Fine, if you don’t like that answer then go show her the secret alien handshake. <Michael has to pretend his finger’s a lighter again? Is that the secret handshake you’re talking about?> Mi: Okay, fine. What kind of psychobabble over crap do I gotta tell her? <Just tell her to stop screaming.> Ma: I can’t put the words in your mouth, Michael. <Uh, Maria, how about you putting your lips in his mouth?> It’s gotta come from you.. It’s gotta come from whatever organ you have sitting in for your heart. <He’s got an organ? Where? Seriously, he has a heart. He just covers it up and pretends it’s not there sometimes.> Just go over there and tell her in your own words that she can trust you and make sure that she feels you’re being completed and emotionally honest. <She’s smart, you should listen to her, Michael. My take on this scene: Maria is the only person who can tell Michael exactly how to get through to Laurie. After all, she succeeded in penetrating his massive defensive wall. And like I said before, Laurie and Michael seem similar in certain respects … they’re distrustful, tight-lipped, rather harsh, loners. If you think about it, it’s sort of symmetrical. Maria got through to Michael. Now she can use her experiences with him to tell Michael how to get through to someone else. . This time, it’s Michael who is in Maria’s shoes and it’s Laurie who he is trying to make a connection with. If it weren’t for Maria, do you think Michael would have a clue on what to do? I don’t think so. > Mi: Okay, fine. Ma: Alright, think you can handle it? Mi: I’m not completely emotionally retarded. I have feelings. <Awww, you’re so cute when you say that. ‘I have feelings.’ Awwww. As for the ‘retarded’ part, I think that’s the part we Candies call “clueless.”> Ma: Okay, then walk over there and give them a workout. <The Jane Fonda tape is not included.> Michael walks to the screamer, looking like he doesn’t have a clue as to what he should say to her. Michael sits next to her on the fallen tree log. They sit in silence for a while. Michael picks up rocks and starts throwing them. Mi: Look, Laurie, I know a lotta people think you’re kinda crazy. <No, a lotta people think she’s annoying.> But the truth is, knowing everything you’ve been through, you seem pretty normal to me. <Are you kidding? No one screams like her and is normal.> I just want you to know that whatever you are to me, a sister, cousin, whatever … you’re the only family I’ve ever known and I just found you and I don’t want to let you go. <Awwww, just squeeze my heart and twist it further, why don’t you? *sniffle, sniffle* That’s.just.so.sweet!> I mean I got all kinds of faults. <Want me to give you a list? Heh.> This one over here (motioning to Maria) you know, she can list them all for you if you want later on <Can I get in on the listing of Michael’s faults thing later on? Don’t worry, I’ll keep it short, like only 3 pages. Heh.> But the one thing I am is loyal and I will not turn my back on you. That’s all I gotta say. <I doved his speech … it WAS emotional, honest and heartfelt. I dove seeing this side of Michael, his human side, his soft side. Do you mention it always comes up when Maria’s around or as a result of something Maria did?> Since Laurie’s no longer screaming, I’ll start calling her Laurie again instead of “the screamer”. L: You’re not my grandpa, are you? <No. Not unless he’s a 85-year-old man trapped in a 17 year old’s body.> Mi: No. But I’d like to meet him. L: Tucson. Grandpa’s in Tucson , Arizona. <Wait a minute! Did Laurie say in WAF, “You’re dead! You’re dead!” when she saw Michael? She must have thought Michael was her grandfather. So why is she now saying that her grandfather’s alive and in Tucson? I’m so confused.> M&M are in the car with Laurie. Maria calls Liz on her cell phone. Liz, Amy and Sean are still in the Deluca household. Amy is a little flustered when the cell phone rings as since she doesn’t seem to know how to work it. Amy: Hello! Ma: Hello? (surprised) Amy: That’s right, this is your mother. I confiscated Liz’s phone. <Yeah, and Liz is so upset, she’s playing paddle ball.> Where are you? Ma: I’m still in New Mexico, Mom! <She’s good with the non-answers.> Amy: Oh, that’s cute. Where are you? <In a car?> Ma: On our way to Arizona. <Wow, she told the truth.> Amy: Why? Ma: We’re being free spirits, Mom. Amy: That mean you’re going to Sedona to get stone and have sex in the hills! <Oh, is that what it means? Hmmmm. Hey, I’m okay with the going to Sedona part. As for the getting stoned, nah, I heard those pebbles hurt when people throw them at your skin. Sex in the hills? Sedona has hills? Where? Last time I saw they had a lot of red rock formations but not really hills!> Ma: Mom! Amy: Do you think I wasn’t 17 once? Do you think I didn’t go crazy, stupid things with a really bad boy when I was your age? <Okay, I wanna know about these crazy things.> Ma: Yes, I know you did, Mom … Dad. Amy: Let me talk to him. <Uh-oh.> Ma: No! Why? Amy: Put him on the phone now. <Wow, she can be very commanding.> Ma: She wants to talk to you. Maria tries to hand Michael the phone but he refuses, they play a short tug of war until Michael finally gives in and grabs the phone. Mi: Hey, Mrs. DeLuca. <I dove the way he said this, very casual-like and in a deep tone.> Amy: Michael, I want you to listen to me very, very carefully. On this glorious, rebellious lost weekend of yours, you will take care of my daughter. You will protect her and be kind to her and she will have fun. You will not get matching tattoos <Hmmm, is this a dig about Bren’s tattoos?> and you will not allow her to pierce any part of her body that cannot be shown in polite company. <Yeah, I think seeing Rath, Ava and Lonnie killed any notions of piercing.> And Michael, if you have sex with my daughter, I will hunt you down and kill you like the mangy dog you are, okay? <ROTFLMCAO! That is THE best line of the episode.> Mi: Okay. <Even he agrees with me about the line.> Amy: Call me if you need bail money. <ROTFLOL! And the lines just keep on coming. I dove this whole phone convo.> Ma: What did she say? Mi: She wants you to have fun. <Uh, what kind of fun did you have in mind, Michael?> Michael, Maria and Laurie drive to Tucson. They stop outside the gates of a huge mansion. This is where the ep gets all creepy and “Twilight Zoney” for me. Mi: You okay? L: I’m just nervous. I haven’t seen my grandfather for so long. <Ah, that’s why you freaked out and screamed “You’re dead, you’re dead” to Michael and ran away from him like a bat out of hell … because he reminded you of your grandfather whom you were nervous about. Uh-huh, sure.> A security camera inside a gargoyle pans to the trio. A voice comes out. Security: Can I help you? Mi: Yeah, we’re here to see Charles Dupree. Security: Who are you? Mi: I’m Michael, this is Maria and this is Mr. Dupree’s granddaughter, Laurie. <OK, I like the way he mentions his name and then Maria’s. Michael and Maria just go together.> The trio enters the house. The maid looks startled and stares at Michael. Laurie's uncle Bobby sees Laurie. U: Laurie, is it really you? L: Where’s grandpa? U: (looks at Michael, also surprised) Oh my God! <Ok, all the staring is starting to remind me of something. Oh, wow, did you take staring lessons from Liz?> Laurie's aunt Mary is desceding the stairs, talking all the while. A: Bobby, you do remember we have a function this afternoon (she said a few other things but I couldn’t catch them and then looks at Michael, stunned). <More staring. No I'm think she took lessons from Max.> A: Who are you? What is it? L: Aunt Mary, I wanna see my grandfather right now. U: He’s dead, Laurie. He’s been dead for 7 years. You were at his funeral for God’s sake. <Oh. Well, then it would be hard to see him then, wouldn’t it?> Inside a study in the mansion: Laurie’s aunt and uncle are fixing themselves some drinks while Laurie seated on the couch with M&M standing behind her. U: Spooky, I mean, it’s just spooky. <Spooky? You mean, it’s Casper the Friendly Ghost’s not so friendly cousin? Where? Where?> A: Typical is more like it. Daddy did always have that wandering eye. <Michael better have not inherited that wandering eye from ‘Daddy’ or there will be hell to pay.> Looks he like just wandered off the M (I couldn’t make out what she said) reservation and left us all a surprise. U: Well, I love surprises. <You know the kind of surprises I like? The ones involving M&M kissing.> A: Carmen! (calls to the maid) Would you draw a bath and get Laurie’s room ready? Go on Laurie. Why don’t you go upstairs? Michael looks at Laurie. Mi: It’s okay, I’m not going anywhere. Laurie’s aunt and uncle look at each other. Laurie goes with Carmen. A: And what is it you want, Mr. ??? Mi: Guerin, Michael Guerin. <He says that like James Bond says, 'Bond. James Bond.' > Look, your daughter’s been … A: Niece. She’s our niece, Mr. Guerin. Mi: Well, your niece has been through a pretty traumatic experience. <Yeah, she’s given her lungs a pretty good workout too.> Somebody kidnapped her, they buried her underground and we think that someone’s still after her. A: Oh, well, that’s quite a story! <You wanna hear another story? Michael once kidnapped, no, abducted Maria, drove her through 285 South and then took her to a porno version of Aladdin motel.> Ma: Why don’t Laurie’s hospital records list you as next of kin? <Good catch there, Maria!> U: What hospital records? Ma: The Pinecrest Psychiatric Institute. <Otherwise known as the place with a broken cellar window.> Brownfield, Texas where Laurie’s been living for the past, I don’t know, what, 3 years? U: We haven’t seen our niece in years. A: So someone finally put her away, hmmm? <Now that wasn’t a nice-relative thing to say. Eh, maybe they also got tired of her screaming.> Did the aliens chase her there too? <How did they know about the aliens. Hmmm. Here’s a guess: The relatives are actually aliens and they’ve been waiting for Laurie’s return so they can feed her to the parasite.> You know, aliens are chasing our family, Mr Guerin. Don’t stay too long, they might get you too. <That was a warning. These two are up to no good, I think.> Michael is outside the mansion, looking at the pool. Mi: I don’t like it. Ma: What, the tile? <Yeah, the tile seems a little off to me. I think they should have gone with another color. Who decorated this place anyway?> Mi: No, the fact that we haven’t seen Laurie in 3 hours. <Hey, give the girl a break. She was probably tired from all the lung exercises. When Michael’s in protective mode, he really takes it seriously, doesn’t he?> M&M see Laurie’s uncle accompanied by two bodyguards. Ma: This can’t be good. <How do you know? Maybe they’re just there to provide entertainment.> U: This is yours. (hands him a paper bag) Mi: What’s this? <Um, it’s a paper bag? No, it is actually a sandwich in a paper bag. Pastrami, no mayo.> Michael opens the paper bag and finds money inside. U: $50,000. <Oh. So you’re saying there’s no sandwich?> Ma: What? <$50,000 … or how much money Bill Gates makes per second.> U: And that’s all you’re going to get. You may look like our grandfather but we’ll fight any further paternity and inheritance claims every step of the way. <Protective of the family fortune, isn’t he? Doesn’t he know that Michael only wants family? He doesn’t CARE about the money.> Mi: I’m not here about an inheritance claim. <You tell ‘em, Michael. Tell ‘em you want a sandwich instead. And that you just want to protect Laurie because she’s family. Oh, good Lord, I just thought of something. Uncle Bobby and Aunt Mary are also Michael’s family. Geez, I feel like I’ve been transported to the Dynasty days.> Ma: Wait, how big of an inheritance claim are you talking about? <She’s kidding. You know that, right?> U: (to bodyguards) Please escort Mr. Guerin and his friend off the property. Mi: Wait a minute, what about Laurie? <Does she get a sandwich?> U: We’ll take care of Laurie. Mi: You don’t understand, there are people after her. <Her sandwich too.> U: Oh, right … the aliens. <The aliens want her sandwich??? Boy, it must really be a tasty sandwich.> We’ll keep a lookout for them. <Just the way he says that makes me think that the uncle knows as helluva lot more as to what’s going on.> Mi: Wait, you can’t do this! The bodyguards grab M&M and start moving them along. Note: Michael is still holding the paper bag with the money. <Wonder what he’s going to do with $50,000?> The uncle stares at the aunt who is upstairs on a balcony. M&M are taken outside the gates and the gates are closed behind them. Ma: Now what? <Can we get a sandwich?> Mi: I don’t know. But I promised Laurie I’d protect her and that’s what I’m doing to do. <Sandwich or no sandwich.> The End (of M&M lines) Cry Your Name Get out your hankies! One of the gang dies. No, it's not Michael or Maria. Transcriber/Commentator: Minnie Archive Date: 5/1/2001 Note: M = Maria, A = Alex, I = Isabel, L = Liz, V = Sheriff Valenti, H = Deputy Hanson, K = Kyle, Mx = Max, Mi = Michael Maria's Intro: Maria is standing in front on the chalkboard again and she's erasing the word "PROM" from the board. M: I told you ... prom sucks. Take Liz for example. She totally thought the prom would be the perfect opportunity to rekindle things with Max. (shot of Max and Tess' kiss) Nope. And Kyle. He though he'd finally get closer to Tess ... as in a lot closer. Until he realized his feeling for Tess were a little more sibling than sex kitten. (shot of Kyle and Tess in eraser room) Strike two. But there is a silver lining to this gray cloud of prom disasters. Alex. He came back from Sweden a new man. And Isabel finally noticed. And with a little help from Liz and myself, those two crazy kids might actually find true love. Start of show: Alex is on the phone with Isabel. He's on his bed. A: Yeah, it was a great night for me too. <Yeah, me too. Uh, what night are we talking about here?> I: Yeah. So what are you doing tonight? <Nothing much. Watching the game ... having a Bud. True, true. Wazzzzupppp?> A: Tonight? <::breaks out into song, "Tonight, tonight, there's only you tonight ..."> Alex looks at Liz and Maria who are shaking their heads "No". Liz and Maria are sitting across from Alex, near a desk. A: I can't. <Can't what? Can't sing with me? Oh, come on, I'm not that bad, you know.> I: Why? <Why? Because we like you. M-I-C-K-E ... Erm, I mean, why?> A: I have ... uh ... <Yeah, that.> L: (mouthing the words) Studying. <Or as she says it, "StudyinK, studyinK.> A: I'm studying. <Or as he says it, "StudyinG, studyinG. Heh.> I: Alex, an A is the best you can get. <Nuh-uh. He can get an A+.> A: I know, but I got a ... I got a ... monstrous final in uh ... <Yeah, there goes that "uh" again.> Liz picks up a book by Robert Frost, gives it to Maria and both of them are pointing at it. A: Robert Frost? <Wow, he's got finals on a dead guy?> M: (mouthing the words) No, English. <No, English? You don't speak No English? Funny, I coulda sworn I heard English come out of your mouth.> A: English! English ... killer final. Mr. Browsky's (sp?) really put the screws to us. <That English teacher of yours sure is violent. Killing, putting screws on you ... but then no one expects the Spanish Inquistion.> I: Well, if you'd rather stay and study and not come out and play with me ... <Play what? Parcheesi? I'm, always up for a game of Parcheesi. Wait, what's Parcheesi again?> Alex bites his fist. Maria and Liz are both whispering "Stay strong". Or in Liz's case, "Stay stronK." Liz raises both her arms and does her muscleman impression. <Look, it's Liz the SHE-MAN! Too funny.> Maria also does her strongman impression but doesn't raise her arms. A: I don't want to ... but I have to. <That sounds suspiciously like something I would say, before I clean the house. Speaking of which, I need to do that ... like right now.> Maria and Liz look at each other, smiling. I: Okay, well, if you change your mind, I'll be at the Crashdown probably until closing. <I'll be cleaning the house probably until my eyes close.> A: Okay, well, I'll see you later. <"See" being the relative term here.> I: Okay. <Ten-four. Okie-dokie. Hasta la vista.> The phone conversation ends. Alex plops himself onto his bed, groaning and making a frustrated noise. Maria: I'm so proud of you. <Thanks. What did I do again?> Maria and Liz move to sit on the bed with Alex. A: This blows. <What blows? ::stops cleaning for a minute and turns off the vacuum cleaner:: This thing? Yes, it does. Actually it sucks too.> M: Well, at least you've got the upper hand. <Not with this vacuum cleaner, I don't. It's got a mind of its own, I tell ya. I push it right, it goes left. I pull it, it flops over. Okay, I'm done cleaning for a while.> L: Yeah, you've got her chasing you. Who would have thought that? <Lemme guess. No one except the Stargazers?> M: Not me. <Guess she isn't a Stargazer?> A: She's thinking about me. Even now, she's on her bed and she's thinking about me. <Woo for you, Alex..> M: Okay, so are you done with this Isabel thing? All right, Max kissed Tess. <And this is important to Alex ... how?> L: Maria, let's go to work. <Nah, let's not. Let's play "help me clean the house" instead.!> M: Okay. <Aw, nuts.> L: Come on. Alex, you be strong, okay? <Yeah, don't let an urge to clean the house until you can't see straight get to you! That urge is evil. Evil, I tell you.> M: Strong, strong, strong. <So how many times can you say that word?> L: Stay strong. Okay. G'bye. A: Strong, Str- yeah. <Okay, let's say that one more time for the class, shall we? Str-ong.> A delivery boy with food arrives. DB: Is this the Whitman's? <No, it's the Munsters' house.> L: Oh, yeah. Alex, your food is here. <Oh, goody. Can I have some? All the cleaning's made me hungry!> M and L: Bye. Alex goes to the delivery boy <AKA DB ... hmmm, maybe I'll call him Doobie> and gets his food. A: It's about time. <Yeah. I was about to call for pizza.> DB: Uh, sorry man, I got turned around on Cherry Drive. <Um, Doobie? I got two words for you: Map Quest. Look it up.> Alex hands him a credit card and opens the bag of food. A: Hey, this isn't even warm. <No tip for you then.> Doobie the DB: Oh yeah, sorry, you better nuke it. <That's it? That's all you can say to me after I tell you "no tip"?> A: I'm so sick of this. I'm ... always same thing ... always cold. Always the same thing, I'm just so sick of everything. <Tell me about it. Always the same thing, crumbs on the carpet, dust on the shelves. Always dirty. I'm just so sick of cleaning.> Doobie the DB: Could you sign here please? <No. I don't wanna.> A: Why does life have to be so wrong? <Lemme take a stab at this. Uh, because it's not right?> Why does everything have to be a lie? <Here's one for you: "Truth is in the eye of the beholder." What that means, I have no idea. *g*> Dobbie the DB: I don't know, dude. <Ah, always the pat answer to all the eternal questions.> Alex sits at his desk and pops open a soda. He takes a framed picture of him and Leanna and Sweden and stares at it. Valenti's driving down the highway at night and sees an accident scene: police cars, ambulances, etc. V: Hey, Hansen, whatcha got? <A Barney Fife-ish attitude?> H: Pretty bad. This guy (I think that's what he says) doing 70 did a head-on with a semi. <Ouch. That musta hurt.> V: Fatalities? H: Yeah, one. <Really?> V: Anyone I know? <Uh-oh.> Hanson stares at Valenti pointedly. Valenti goes over to the accident scene, sees a car flipped over and shines a flashlight into it. His face tightens up. At the Crashdown: Maria drops a plate on the floor and gives a short squeal. M: Great! (exasperated) She goes to get something to clean it up. Max and Michael are sitting by the counter. Mx: You are so full of it. <Full of what? Hair? Yep, he's definitely got a full head of hair. *snip, snip* Pretend I just gave Michael a haircut, Max.> Mi: I just call it like I see it. <He does indeed. One thing I like you him is that he never evades or lies.> Mx: You can't compare The Matrix to Crouching Tiger. <Why? Is there a law against it?> Mi: Crappy Tiger is a chick flick with kung fu. <Oooooh, you take that back, Michael! It is so much more than that! It's got angst, sword fights, love, flying people, betrayal, sword fights, drama, flying people, friendship, sword fights, vengeance, flying people, honor, etc. Did I mention the sword fights and the flying people? And it's called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I know I said no comments but I couldn't leave that one alone.> Mx: First of all, Crappy ... Crouching Tiger is actually about something ... love, honor, duty. <Heh, you tell 'em , Max.> Mi: Matrix is about something ... illusion, reality, gunfire. <Does it have sword fights and flying people though? Nay on the sword fights, yay on the flying people.> Mx: You simply can't compare Keanu Reeves to Michelle Yeoh. You can't. I won't let you. <Well, I'm gonna compare them. Whatcha gonna do about it, Max? Huh, huh, huh? First ... Keanu Reeves. He's a guy. He's got black hair. Next ... Michelle Yeoh. She's a gal. She's got black hair. See, I compared and contrasted them.> Liz is sitting at a table doing homework. She looks at Kyle, Isabel and Tess who are looking over prom pictures. They're laughing and giggling. Maria goes to the back of the cafe, carrying a tub with the broken dish inside. She dumps the mess into the trash can. Valenti comes in. Maria sees the serious look on his face and her face fills with dread. M: What? <Uh, this is NOT good. Not at all.> Cut to the scene in front of the Crashdown. M: NO! (screams from the back) Maria pushes the door open to the front of the cafe. Michael immediately gets up from his chair. <*candysigh* *candysigh* *candysigh* He's worried about her.> Maria runs to hug Liz. She looks upset and in shock and is breathing hard. She also looks like she's about to cry. Kyle, Isabel and Tess are standing up, looking worried. Valenti addresses the group. V: There's been an accident. <I get the feeling you're not talking about Liz's god-awful jacket.> Max stands up. V: Alex is dead. <NOOOOOO!!! > The whole gang is in a parking lot as the coroner's van with Alex's body arrives. Valenti distracts the 2 men that come out of the van. Max goes to the van. I: He'll need to use his powers to open the door. <Hey, they could have left the door unlocked. Did you think about that?> Max opens the door to the van, climbs inside, closes the door and opens the bodybag. I: He'll take a deep breath, put his hand on his chest and bring him back to life. <Yes. Oh, please.> Liz stares ahead at van. Maria's face crumples in grief and she lays her head against Liz's shoulders. Max puts his hand on the body. <Note: The body is unseen.> I: And Alex will sit up suddenly and Max'll jump back and the whole wagon will shake a little. <Yep, that's what's going to happen. Shake, shake, shake ... shake, shake, shake ... shake that booty, I mean, wagon.> Everyone stares at the van but nothing is happening. <Why isn't anything happening?> I: The ... the whole wagon will shake and they'll come running back here with big goofy grins on their faces. <Okay, I am SO ready for that.> Tess looks like she's going to cry. Kyle has his head down. I: And we'll have to come up with some sort of cover story for Hansen and everybody. <Yes! You could say it wasn't really Alex who died, it was just someone who looked like Alex. Like ... an alien. Yeah, that sounds good. What? It's plausible, isn't it?> Michael stares at the van. Max opens the door and comes out of it. Maria lifts her head from Liz's shoulder. Tess looks like she can't believe it ... that Max didn't heal Alex. Isabel looks stricken. Michael glances up at the sky and closes his eyes. Valenti comes out of the police station. Max walks towards the gang ... alone. I: (disbelieving) Max? <Where ... where's Alex?> Max looks at Valenti and says nothing. His face says it all ... he couldn't heal Alex. <Why, why, why?> V: I think you should all go home now. <I don't wanna.> Kyle walks off to the side. M: (breaking down) Oh my God! She sees Alex's bodybag being wheeled out of the van. She looks like she's going to collapse but Michael is there to support her. <*candysigh* *sadcandysigh*> Mi: C'mon, I'll take you home. <*sniffle* While you're at it, give her lots of hugs and moral support too.> Isabel looks like she can't believe Max didn't heal Alex. She's got unshed tears brimming in her eyes. Max looks down at his hand. Isabel walks away. Max also has unshed tears in his eyes. Liz stares at him. <She's just staring all the time. Why does she keep staring? How long can she keep it up?> T: Max, go after her. <She means Isabel.> Mx: (steps towards Liz) Liz ... L: Yeah, go after her, Max. Liz is staring ahead still. Tess looks at Liz and Kyle pulls Tess away. <Wonder what they would have said to each other if Kyle didn't take Tess away?> The next morning: The clock strikes 6:45 AM and the alarm rings. Kyle's on the couch but he's already up before the alarm rings. He turns off the alarm and does push ups. Valenti walks in. Kyle looks at his dad and goes back to lie on the couch. K: Hey, dad. V: Mornin'. <::breaks out into song:: Good mornin, good mornin, it's great to stay up late... oh, damn. I forgot. How I could forget? It isn't a good morning. Alex. This morning sucks.> Valenti sits on the couch. V: Not very happy day, is it? <And that would be the understatement of the year.> Kyle shakes his head "no". K: No. This may not seem like very much right now but there's something I'd like you to know. Alex died yesterday. <Just dig the knife in deeper. > Kyle closes his eyes in pain. V: He didn't die today and I don't want you remembering it as if it happened today, all right? Happy birthday, son. <OMG, it's his birthday. The day after Alex *gulp* died. Argh, the injustice of it all! Happy birthday, Kyle.> At the Crashdown: Alex walks in. <It's Alex, it's Alex, it's Alex. *hop, hop, hop* Yay!> A: Pssst! (to Isabel) I: Oh my God, Alex! Oh my God, I thought you were dead. <Yeah, me too. I was never so glad to be wrong.> They hug tightly. A: Listen, that was just a big misunderstanding. Everything's fine, all right. <Oh, thank God. For a minute there I really thought you were dead. Whew!> Isabel grins and they sit down. A: So, how are you doing? <Why, just dandy, thank you.> I: Fine. Fine now. <Yeah, what she said.> A: Good. So have you made any decision on college yet? I: Yeah. (big smile) I think I'm gonna stay graduate with Max and you guys. (big smile) A: Good. Because I'd miss you if you were gone. <Awwwww, sweet. Okay, Izzy, your turn to say you'll miss him too.> I: Yeah, I'd miss you too. <Atta girl.> I just ... I just don't wanna be away from you anymore. <And all the Gazers are probably sighing at this exchange right about now.> A: Well, no worries about that. I'm not going anywhere. Except band practice. See, I'm running late and the guys are waiting for me so I gotta jet. <Why do I get a sense of foreboding in his words. Like there's some sort of double meaning to them? Eh, just my imagination.> But I'll see you tonight, right? I: Yeah, yeah. They kiss. A: Bye. I'll see you later. Isabel smiles widely. Mom: Isabel, wake up, honey. <What? What do you mean, wake up? Huh?> I: Oh my God. It was just a dream. <What? What do you mean, a dream? Huh?> It was just a dream. <NOOOOO! You mean ... you mean ... Alex is really gone? They can't do that, can they? Huh? That's just ... *sniffle* *sniffle*.> Isabel hugs her mother. <I want a hug too.> Mom: Oh, sweetheart. At the DeLuca household: Maria and Amy are sitting on the couch, silent. Maria's head is on Amy's shoulder. Michael's there, putting a new box of Kleenex on the table. The phone rings. Mi: DeLuca residence. <He sounds so cute.> It's Sean. He's dressed in a suit. S: Michael? What are you, snaking breakfast now? Don't you have to be at school or something? <School, schmool. No, he has to be with Maria now.> Mi: Sean, shut up, okay?. <Er, I'm getting the sense that the Sean fans are cheering Michael as he says this.> Alex was killed last night. <Every time someone says that, I keep expecting someone to say "Wake up, it's not true!" > S: (shocked) What? How? Mi: Car accident. S: Geez, how's Maria? Mi: Pretty torn up. <Yeah, me too. I'm so glad you're there for her, Michael. *candy-sniffle-and-sigh*> Same with your aunt. Maria and Amy are still sitting on the couch. Amy's dabbing Kleenex in her hands. Maria says nothing but just rubs her nose and has a Kleenex in hand. S: Look, ah, I got this court thing in Albuquerque. They tell me I have to stay a couple more days so could you, you know, look after my family? <Hmmm, now I'm really interested in why Sean was in juvie. Why did he have to stay for 2 days in Albuquerque? Must have been a grave offense or something. If it was minor, he would have been released a lot sooner. Don't you think?> Mi: I'll take care of them. <*candysigh* He's such a sweetie. Michael, c'mere and gimme a hug! Awwwww.> S: Thanks. Later. At the Parker household: The phone rings. Liz's mother answers the phone with "Sean?" It's not Sean. "It's Max." Liz's mother tells Max she just got off the phone with Sean. <As though Max would give a hoot.> She goes on to say that "this is horrible" and that "I knew how close you were to him." <Since when? And how would SHE know how close anyone is to anyone when she hasn't been around until now?> Max responds with "Not as close as Liz." Max asks how Liz is. Liz's mother answers that "she's not doing well" and that she's "in denial". <Much like me.> Max wants to talk to Liz but she's not there. Her mother doesn't know where she went. At the junkyard: Liz looks for the wreck. She finds Alex's car, takes of the cover and looks inside. She sees the shattered windshield and some bits of glass on the car seat. There's also some stains of dried blood on the seat. <*gulp*> She glides her hand across it and then draws back. <Ummm, ewwww.> It is then she sees a picture of Alex and Leanna in Sweden but Alex's face is cut out of the picture. At the hospital: Valenti and Hansen are questioning the truck driver (TD) about the accident. They talk about skid marks and stuff like that. V: How many beers did you have at the Bison Pub? <Me? I didn't drink any beer. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.> TD: I had one beer three hours before I got on the road. <Oh, you meant the truck driver. Not me.> V: You said you were going 65. <That's because as Sammy Hagar says, "I can't drive 55!"> TD: I said I was going 55. <Yep, that's within the legal speed limit, all right. Now why couldn't *I* have said that when that cop flagged me down for speeding 2 years ago? Oops. Did I say I was speeding? Never mind, you didn't hear that from me.> And I don't like the sound of these questions. H: Just doing our job. TD: That's bull. <Heh. Bull. Bison Pub. Get it?> You're trying to pin this on me ... when the truth is, that boy deliberately swerved into my lane for no reason. <Say it ain't so, Alex. Say it ain't so.> At the Evans' household: Isabel and her mother are in the kitchen. Mom: Nobody knew where he was going. <Hell, no one knows where this show is going!> I: But he wanted to stay home. If I hadn't called him and put the idea into his head, he would have never gotten into the car. <Yes, and if my boss didn't allow to take RosMondays off, then Alex would have never gotten into car. What, you ask, does that have to do with anything? Nothing. It has to do with nothing. That's my way of saying "It's not your fault, Iz."> (starts to get hysterical) He would have never gotten into the car. (screaming) <You sure about that? Maybe he was hungry and didn't feel like eating cold Thai food. Maybe he wanted to go get a pizza and jumped into the car. By the way, no one plays tearful and hysterical quite like Iz.> Mom: Isabel, it was an accident. <*sniffle*> Honey, it's tragic and it's painful <It's also wrong. So wrong.> and it's something none of us are ever going to forget but it wasn't your fault. <*sniffle* Yeah. Um, *sniffle* what she said.> I: I can't stop it. I can't stop thinking about the people I care about ... They end up hurt or dead. <*hugs*> Mom: Oh, honey, I wish I had some kind of special powers or something to make all this go away for you. <Hmmmm. Could it be the writers actually going for subtlety and double entendres? It is, it is! I think what they're trying to say is that not even aliens such as Max, Isabel, Michael or Tess have the power to cheat death all the time, that they do have limits. Or maybe they're just trying to say "Special powers don't help."> I: Special powers don't help. <Ooh, ooh! That WAS what the writers were trying to say! Did I call it or what? *sigh* "All those powers, and they couldn't even save him." I'm in a Superman moment right now. Despite the wonderful abilities the aliens possess, they can be just as vulnerable and as human as the rest of us.> I have to get out of here. Mom: Where do you want to go? <Somehow Michael's line in 285S "There's gotta be something better out there for me than Roswell, New Mexico" pops up for me.> I: Mom, there's something I need to tell you. <How about "I'm an alien. I have powers. But even my powers couldn't help save the life of Alex." Never mind.> At school: Liz walks through the hallway, sees a memorial for Alex on his locker and goes to her locker. Maria approaches Liz. Michael is with her. M: Liz. L: How you doing? <::copies Joey Tribbiani's voice and says "how YOU doin'?::> M: Not good. <Was that a general comment on the situation or a criticism on my fake Joey voice?> Maria gives Liz a hug. Maria looks like she's so tired and has been crying. L: Just try and get through the day, okay? Just keep going forward, keep breathing. <Yeah, I vote for "Keep breathinK" too. Because if I didn't, well, I'd be dead now, wouldn't I? By the way, the "ink"s are so evident in this ep. > M: Okay. How about you, how are you? <How is she? At what? Rummaging through junkyards and finding reject pictures? I'd say pretty good.> L: I'm fine. <You're too modest.> M: C'mon, it's me. You don't have to put up a front. <Front. Reminds me of outerwear for some reason. Ugh. Liz's godawful jacket. Bleck.> L: Look at this. <Oh, no ... she's not going to make us look at the jacket, is she? Not the jacket! Anything but the jacket!> Liz brings up the picture she found in Alex's car. Mi: Isn't that? <*gulp* Please say it's not the jacket, please say it's not the jacket.> L: Yes, Alex and Leanna in Sweden. I found it in the wreck. <Whew! I mean, why would that picture be there?> M: Oh my God, Oh my God. (sounds like she's about to break down) Maria staggers towards Michael. Michael hangs on to her. She looks like she's about to fall over. Mi: It's all right, it's all right. <He's comforting Maria, holding onto her, supporting her. Could he be any sweeter?> L: Look. Look at the way it's been cut up. Someone cut off ... <Your sentence?> Maria cuts her off. M: I'm gonna be sick. <No, I just cleaned the carpet, dang it! You can't get sick all over it.> (leans on Michael, holds on to his shirt, sounding appalled) I can't believe you went there. <Wanna know what I can't believe? That Liz likes the flowery jacket!> L: Maria, this means something. Why is Alex's head missing? <Lemme guess ... because someone cut it off?> Maria is getting upset. M: (breaking down, slightly yelling at Liz) Stop it, stop it! <Yes, Liz, stop wearing the jacket!> Mi: (comforting Maria in his arms) Shhhh, shhh, it's okay, it's okay. <It is? Why? Are you saying that jacket's going to be history? Michael, this is definitely one of your finer moments. Have I ever loved you more than now? Er, yeah, probably but this one gotta be close.> Michael's got his hand across Maria's cheek, cupping her face. At the sheriff's office: DB: I don't know. He just got really depressed. It was weird, you know? I mean I deliver a lot of cold food <Must mean you don't get a lot of tips then, huh?> but usually people just get pissed off. They don't act like it's the end of the world. <Hee. A plug for a previous RosEp.> V: Is that how he acted, like it was the end of the world? <There goes the plug again.> DB: Yeah. V: He say anything specific you remember? <I think he mumbled something about Liz's jacket. Hey, it could have happened!!!> DB: Life was wrong, everything about life is a lie. Why does it have to be that way. Stuff like that. <Uh-huh. Now, about that jacket ...> V: Okay, thanks, Jerry. <Jerry? His name is Jerry? But ... but ... I've gotten used to calling him Doobie!> Hansen walks into the office where Valenti is. He's talked to Alex's teachers and was told "there were warning signs". <I'm not liking the tone of his voice here. It's leading to somewhere I don't want to go.> Teachers described Alex as "moody, sometimes confident, even cocky" and other times "sullen, quiet and unfocused." V: Sounds like every teenager I know. <Word, Sheriff!> H: Listen, I know you don't want to talk about this theory. V: Don't go there. <Don't go where? WhatjutalkinaboutWillis?> H: Jim, there's a pattern here. <No. He's not saying what I think he's saying, is he? It's not ... no. I refuse to think about that.> V: No, there's not. <Way to go, Sheriff! Uh, ex-sheriff, I mean.> H: I hope you're right. At school: There is a memorial for Alex in the school's football field. A large picture of Alex is set in the field, people are bringing flowers and gifts and lighting candles. Max and Tess are under the bleachers. Mx: There was so much blood. I wasn't prepared for that. <Max, NO ONE would be prepared for that.> T: You had to try. Mx: I didn't wanna touch him. <::blinks:: What?> Max and Tess look like they're going to cry. Mx: And then his skin was so cold. <Doing a Maria impression here and saying 'Stop it, stop it!'> Max puts his head down, cries a little (you can't see it much though), wipes tears away and puts hand on his chin. Tess puts a hand on his arm. Michael, Maria and Isabel arrive. Max stands up, wiping tears away and turning his back on the three of them so they won't see him crying. Mi: School's brought in the official grief counselor. She's got all our names so be on the lookout. <Interesting. Were you told or did you find this out yourself? Oh, about your choice of words, i.e. 'She's got all our names so be on the lookout'. That wouldn't be a residual sound of suspicion in your voice, would it, Michael?> M: (yelling, angry) Do you see these people? Who are they? (pointing to people on the field) They didn't even know Alex, they weren't even his friends. They're sitting there, praying and crying and now they're putting on a show as if they gave a damn when he was alive? God, it makes me so angry! (puts both her hands to the sides of her head) <No truer words were spoken. Bravo! Word! Right on, dude! Got milk!? I mean, you go, girl!> Michael reaches out and rubs her back. Michael pulls Maria close to his side and drops a kiss on top of her head. Maria leans into him and wraps her arms around herself while Michael rubs her shoulders. Kyle walks up, not really looking at anyone. K: (voice cracking) Mr. Whitman called the house this morning and asked me and you (looks at Michael) and you (looks at Max) would be pallbearers tomorrow. <Tell me this isn't happening. This isn't happening. > Tess closes her eyes at this statement. Mi: Right. Mx: Sure. At a field: Doobie the delivery guy <No, I'm not calling him Jerry. I got used to Doobie so you'll just have to bear with me.> is talking to a crowd of people on the field. DB: So finally I left. He was losing it and you could totally see it in his eyes. He was on his way out of this life. <:cry: I need a new smilie, I think I'm wearing this one out.> L: (sounding angry) Is that a fact? <Nope, it's a ... um ... it's an elephant. No, it's not. It's ... uh ... okay, it's his attempts at grabbing attention.> The crowd around Doobie disperses. DB: Oh. <Oh? That's all you have to say? I'm disappointed in you, Doobie.> L: I'd like to ask you some questions if you have the time. <These questions ... they're not going to be on a test, are they?> Under the bleachers: I: I have something to tell all of you. <"I'm an alien. I have special powers." Oh, but you already knew that, right?> Tess is hanging onto Max's arm. Michael and Maria are sitting down, with Michael wrapping his arms around Maria. Michael brushes his hand against Maria's face before he settles his hand down on her arm. <Yes, of course, I notice all these small Candy details. I wouldn't be a Candy if I didn't right?> I: I know this is a bad time but um, I'm graduating early. I'm leaving in June to start college in the fall in San Francisco. <::sings 'I Left My Heart in San Francisco ... forget it, I don't know this song. > Everyone looks at Max. <Uh, why does everyone ALWAYS look at Max? Oh, yeah, that's right. Because he's the king, the leader, the big Kahuna. Forgot about that. 'Course he hasn't said "I'm the man" in a while.> Mx: When did all this happen? <Probably when you were remembering your jello-swim with Tess.> I: I've been thinking about it for a while. I talked to Mom this morning and she's find with it. Mx: Look, Isabel, this isn't the right time to be making snap judgements about this. <Then you name the time and place, Mr. Da Man.> I: This is my life, Max. <You tell 'em, girl.> Mx: No one is disputing that. <Uh, did you change your name to "No one" and I didn't notice?> M: (sounding weary) Do we have to talk about this right now? Mi: Maria's right. <*candysigh* He said Maria was right. Don't you just love him?> This isn't a decision we have to make today. I: (emphatic) This isn't a decision we have to make at all. It's my decision. I've made it. I'm leaving Roswell. <So there. Take that, Mr. Da Man.> Cut back to Liz and Doobie. L: And then what did he say? DB: I don't know. <He's playing dumb all of a sudden.> Life isn't right, life is wrong, something like that. L: And yeah, what did you say? <He said, "Yeah, and I think that Liz's jacket isn't wrong, it's wrong.> DB: I said, whatever, dude. <Or that. Again, one of the classic answers to all life's questions. This Doobie is just coming up with all the answers, isn't he?> L: Whatever, dude? That's your reaction to a man who is devastated and on his way out of this life? Isn't that how you described it to your fan club? <Ooooh, good one, Liz.> DB: Look, I wasn't ... I'm sorry it sounded like that. L: Yeah. If you remember, anything else, anything, my parents own the Crashdown. You can usually find me there. <That is just a lead-in. You KNOW Doobie's going to find something and bring it to Liz at the Crashdown.> Liz shows the photo of Alex and Leanna <sans Alex's head. I shudder to think what really happened to it.> and says she knows it means something. V: Yeah. <It means someone got scissor-happy.> L: What? <I said, it means someone got scissor-happy!> V: I don't really know. <That means, he's not sure about the scissors. Maybe someone used an exacto knife on the picture instead. ::shrugs::> L: What? Don't give me that! <She's pushy. Who knew? :) > You're onto something. This is a clue, isn't it? <Uh, I thought it was a picture actually.> V: Maybe. We're a long way ... <From home?> L: You have a theory about this, don't you? <I've got a theory about a lot of things. I've got a theory that M&M will ... oh, you mean an Alex theory? Never mind.> V: This has been a very, very difficult day <again, understatement of the year> and I think the best thing for you now ... <Is to get rid of the jacket. Yes, I'm still NOT over the jacket.> Here comes Lizus Interruptus, i.e. Liz interrupting. L: (raises voice) No! I don't need another grief counselor. I know what happened to Alex was not an accident. I know with every fiber in my body <Er, did she say she needed fiber in her body?> so I am going to find out the truth. So cut the crap <Whoa! Not only do we get Lizus Interruptus but we get Really-Angry-Liz-Saying-Words-Like-Crap. I like this Liz. You go, girl!> and tell me what the photo means to you. <I'd listen to her, Valenti. She sounds like she means business!> V: Okay. You're not gonna like what I'm about to say. <Uh-oh.> L: Tell me. <Yeah, lay it on me. I can handle it. *cringe*> V: It's beginning to look more and more likely than Alex might have deliberately turned his car into the oncoming traffic. <*insert dumbfounded look here* Ok, whatcha been smokin' and where can I get some of it? *g* > L: (shocked, stunned, appalled, other similar adjectives) Wha ... why would he do that? <I'm shocked, stunned, appalled too.> V: The last couple of weeks people have noticed changes in Alex's behavior. Moodiness, lack of focus. His grades started to slip. <Hmmm. Lack of focus. Maybe that's why he turned his car onto that truck. Because he couldn't focus. Couldn't he have just gotten eyeglasses instead? Heh.> L: Oh please. <What? It's not that farfecthed ... oh, wait, it is.> V: Liz, I interviewed the truck driver, I went to the accident scene, I saw the school reports. <So?> L: You are saying Alex killed himself over bad grades? <Shocked, stunned and appalled are still with me.> V: We may never know exactly why Alex did what he did. <And we may never know why the writers did what they did to poor Alex. Why do I get the thing that the words "poor Alex' are going to be used over and over again from now on?> Valenti holds up the picture of Alex and Leanna. V: This is a part of the puzzle, isn;t it? I mean, look at it. <I see it, I see it. I'm not blind. Unlike some people I know.> He deliberately defaced his own image. Believe it tears me up to have to say that. <Then don't say it.> L: Thank you for your time. Liz walks down the sidewalk. She stops momentarily, bend downs and coughs. Not sure if she actually threw up. Max is in his bedroom trying on a dark suit. <Probably for the funeral. :(> Liz knocks on this window. <Doesn't anybody knock on doors anymore?> L: I don't wanna be alone. Can I ... can I stay here tonight? <But what will your parents say? Oh, that's right. Your parents disappeared into the numerous and glaring plotholes of season 2.> Mx: Sure. In Max's bedroom: Max is sitting on his bed. Liz is pacing on the floor. It's Pacing-and-Ranting Liz (PRL). Mx: That's crazy. <What? What'd I miss?> PRL: Yes, I know. That is what I said. <What? What did you say? Someone throw me a bone here.> Mx: Alex would never do something like that. <Oh, that. I already knew that.> PRL: No, of course not. It’s ridiculous. You know what's gonna happen. <Whoa, Liz is psychic now?> Hansen is gonna go and put that in his report and it going to be in the newspaper for every single person to read. … all of his friends, his family. <Are you sure all his friends and family get the paper? Or read, for that matter? Okay, that was really snarky. Sorry.> Max stands up. Mx: No! L: Alex Whitman's death yesterday was declared a suicide by the Roswell Sheriff's Department. <Hell, NO!> M: I'll talk to Valenti. <Yeah, you do that, Max.> He's just jumping to conclusions. L: Just the fact that his parent have to go through this … this nightmare. <Alex has parents? Two of them? I never saw his mom. You sure he has two parents?> They do not need to think that their son … Liz stops and sits down. Mx: Liz. Liz, I'll handle it. <Somehow that doesn't instill a whole lot of confidence in me, Maxwell.> L: Thank you. Liz's stomach growls. M: Hungry? <Grab a Snickers. ;) > L: That's embarrassing. <You said it, not me.> M: Oh ,that's alright. When's the last time yo ate. <I had a spaghetti two hours ago. Oh, you meant Liz. Sorry.> L: Um, uh, yesterday, I think. <She's like me sometimes. We forget to eat.> Mx: How does frozen macaroni and cheese sound? <Frozen? Well, could you at least heat it up a little? It would be easier to chew that way.> To the Deluca household: Amy is sitting in the living room. Michael brings her a cup of something, A: Oh, no more tea. Thank you, Michael. Mi: It's not tea. Hot buttered rum (or something like that, I'm not really sure what he says). Help you sleep. My foster dad taught me to mix drinks before I could ride a bike. <My friend taught me to mix drinks. Period.> He called it job training. <My friend called it 'mixing drinks'.> If all else fails, I could always tend bar. <Michael, a bartender. Okay, that does not work for me.> A: Oh what a charming man. <Charming isn’t the word I'd use exactly.> Is Maria still asleep? Mi: Yeah. She keeps kicking off the covers though. <*triplecandysigh He tucked her into bed and laid some covers on her. Isn’t that just the sweetest thing? I'm so fawning over this, it's not even funny. *triple candysigh> A: She always does that. You know I think this is the most time you've ever spent in my house. <I assume you're not counting the overnight stay in ID?> Mi: Yeah, I could leave if you want. It's just nice to be around people. <You mean it's nice to be around Maria, dontcha, spaceboy? A: No, no, that's not what I meant at all. <She means, don't EVER leave Maria, Michael.> What I'm trying to say is … you've really been great for my family and it's a wonderful thing to see my daughter loved <She sees it! She sees the Candy love! The parents on this show aren't so clueless after all.> and I would like to see a lot more of that <and so would I and the rest of the CandyClanners> and as far as I'm concerned, you'll always be welcome in this house. <Doesn't that just bring a big, goofy, melty grin on your face? How many times have I sighed and cried now?> Mi: Thank you. A: Welcome on the couch. <Oh. That. Well, the couch is fine. It's still in the house.> Mi: Yeah, right. <He agrees with me. Good boy, Michael.> At the Crashdown: Alex and Isabel are sitting up at the counter. The camera pans them in a circle. I: You're not really here, are you? <Are we really all "here"? Where is "here" anyway? Because when I say "here", it means "there" to you.> A: No. You're talking in your sleep. <She dreamwalks. She dreamtalks. She's dreaming Barbie, er, Isabel.> I: God, I wish I could really talk to you, Alex. <So do I. So do I. ::grabs tissues::> A: The next best thing, What do you want to say? <Please say you're not dead.> I: That I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. <For what? You never wore that hideous jacket that Liz wears.> A: Me too. <::blubbering like a fool now::> I: I never should have called you. <Called him what? No .. really ... called him what?> A: I called you, remember? <Oh, "called" as in "on the phone."> I: I never should have brought you into any of this. <Hon, he would have been "into this" even if you didn't bring him in. Not to get all nitpicky and everything, but technically it was Liz that actually "brought him", i.e. told him the "secret" last year.> A: Any of what? I: Me. My life. <Me. No.Like.Liz's.Jacket.> A: You think being with you had something to do with what happened? <*sniffle*> I: Yes, I do. I don't know how but God, if you hadn't been involved with me ... <She's blaming herself. Don't cry, Izzy. Repeat after me, "It's NOT your fault."> A: If I was really here, I'd tell you you're full of crap. <::watery smile on my face:: Whoa, did Alex just tell her she was full of shit? Who woulda thunk it?> I: Yeah, but it wouldn't make me feel any better. <Awww, it's worth a little smile, don't you think?> A: I better go. I'm not making anything better for you. <Nooooo, don't leave! ::hangs on to Alex's leg::> I: No, please. Please don't go. <::still hanging on to leg, not letting go::> A: I'm already gone. <::lets go of leg to burst into tears:: You have NO idea how that statement is affecting me. I feel something twisting inside me, like some horrid pain..> This is just a dream that you'll eventually wake up from. <Then I don't want to wake up.> I: Will I see you again? <Kleenex, where the hell is my Kleenex?> A: That depends on you. But I have a feeling I wouldn't want me to be here. <God, that's ::sob*hiccup*sob::> They kiss, probably for the last time. A: Bye, Isabel. <I didn't hear that.> Alex gets up from his seat and starts to leave. I: (crying) I love you, Alex. <::wail*bawl*cry*:: > Alex turns around to say: A: I think we both know that I loved you too. <He said 'loved', as in past tense. Just cut my heart out and rip it from my chest, why don't you?> Alex walks out of the Crashdown. Isabel is in bed, crying. At the Evans kitchen: Mx: Remember the time he electrified Mr. Hoffman's desk? <::jittery smile::> L: Yeah, he almost got suspended for that. <Woohoo, Alex the rebel. No, that kind of Rebel.> Mx: At the prom, I overheard Mr. Hoffman telling Mr. Revilla about the whole chair thing. That was a riot. <Bringing up the prom. Hmmmm.> L: Yeah about the prom ... <I knew there was a reason for that segue.> I saw you kiss Tess. <So did the Dreamers and the Rebels. The Dreamers were gnashing teeth and the Rebels were cheering.> It's okay. Mx: Liz ... L: It's okay. We discussed this. <They did? When? Seriously, when did they discuss it? I don't remember that.> You're moving on, I'm moving on. <We're all moving on? No.> That's the decision we have made. <It was?> I just wanted you to know that I saw you and I'm okay with it. <I don't know about you but methinks she said that waaaay too nonchalantly.> Mx: Okay. L: Okay. Thank you very much for the macaroni and cheese <Guess it wasn't frozen> and thank you for listening. Liz gets up to leave. L: Just always be my friend. Will you do that, Max? <Sure. Whatever you say, Liz.> Mx: You know I will. Funeral scene <Get out your hankies!> Liz is in the car on the way to the funeral. Maria is singing 'Amazing Grace' a cappella. Police cars and a hearse are arriving at the cemetery. It looks like it's up on a hill somewhere. The coffin is carried out of the hearse. People are walking up towards the grave site. Everyone is dressed in black, the men in suits and the women in black dresses. The coffin is carried towards the grave by Kyle, Valenti, Max, Michael and two others. Maria is walking up the hill. Maria is singing, holding a paper in her hand. Michael's behind her and Max is next to her. Michael's hand is stretched out and lying on Amy's shoulder. Maria looks tired, haggard and sad. Isabel puts a long stemmed red rose and a piece of paper on the coffin and she's crying. Other long stemmed red roses are thrown on top of the coffin. The camera focuses on Maria singing. Her face is pale and her eyes are red. A pair of handd is rubbing dirt and pouring it on to the grave. A mourner blows a kiss. Valenti rubs tears out of his eyes. Isabel is crying. Mr. Whitman looks sad and is about to cry. Max takes the red rose out of his lapel and drops it on to the coffin. So does Michael. There's an overhead shot of the coffin and the gang standing around it. At the end of the funeral, Liz is in a car that is driving away. She sees Max and Valenti talking. V: If it's about what I said to Liz the other night, I don't have any apologies to make. <I think Valenti was taken aback by Really-Angry-Liz-Saying-Words-Like-Crap. Or maybe even scared.> Mx: How could you say that to Liz? How could you even think it? <Um, because Really-Angry-Liz-Saying-Words-Like-Crap made him do it?> V: This is difficult for everybody. Mx: Alex Whitman did not kill himself, okay? (pointing finger in Valenti's face) <Yeah! Mr. Da Man has spoken.> It didn't happen. You better not let Hansen or anyone put that in some file. Valenti goes to his truck and pulls out a file. V: Here. (hands Max the file) Mx: What's that? <It's an inflatable pool. No, actually it's a file. What did you think it was?> K: It's everything we've discovered about Alex Whitman in the past 2 days. Read it, Max. <Can I read it too? Enquiring minds want to know.> Max reads the contents of the file right then and there as Valenti looks on. At the Whitman household after the funeral: People are going into the house, Kyle and Isabel are in the living room. K: So Frisco, huh? <Yup, Felicia too. Heh.> I: Yeah. <See, she got it, too.> K: I think it's great. <Interesting. Kyle's being supportive of Isabel while Max 'Mr. I'm Da Man' isn't.> Liz walks by. Michael and Tess are looking at food on a table. T: What about chicken? <What about chicken? It's the other white meat?> Mi: Maria hates barbecue. <Awwww, he knows what she likes and doesn't like to eat. Like I've been saying, this is like a candy dream come true. This is one side of Michael I've been waiting to see for a long, long time. Patience does pay off.> There's gotta be something here she'll eat. <I'm guessing it won't be frozen macaroni and cheese. Because you know, it's frozen. Hard to digest and stuff.> Liz goes out side to talk to Alex's dad. He's staring at the pool. <Liz looks really tiny to compared to Alex's dad.> L: Hey, Mr. Whitman. Dad: Liz. How are you? <Well, she's been Lizus-Interruptus, Really-Angry-Liz-Saying-Words-Like-Crap and Pacing-And-Ranting-Liz.> L: Okay. <Uh-hmmmm.> Dad: Well, I hope you know how much Alex loved you and Maria. He just thought the world of you two. <*sniffle> L: Thank you. Can I ask you a favor? <Not the macaroni and cheese, not the macaroni and cheese.> Dad: Anything. L: Can I go sit in his room for a while? <Sans the macaroni and cheese.> Dad: I haven't been able to bring myself to go in there just yet. Sure, go ahead. <Awwwww, dammit. I need more Kleenex.> Liz: Thank you. (hugs Dad) Liz plays Alex' guitar. <Liz, you're plucking really depressing chords. Is that by design or are you just doing it randomly?> L: (talks to self) I really need your help. I know something's wrong. <With the jacket?> I know what they're saying about you isn't true. <Oh, that.> But I don't know where to go from here. <I know! You should "Go west, young woman!"> I really wish you could give me some advice. Point me in a direction. <Okay, how about west?> She sees the Robert Frost book on Alex's desk. She opens it to the page where it's bookmarked. "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" is the poem that is on the page. L: (reciting lines) The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. And miles to go before I sleep. <You mean, miles ... and lots of sleeping pills and Kleenex... to go before *I* sleep..> She looks at the bookmark … they are two Beth Orton concert tickets. L: Thank you. <How nice. He left her some tickets.> Max and Valenti walk into the Whitman house. Tess grabs Max. Mx: What's going on? T: I don’t know but Liz says it's urgent. <Liz feels another attack of pacing nad ranting coming on. She doesn't do it very often so you should catch her before the mood passes.> The gang is assembled in Alex's room. Michael and Maria are sitting by the window. Maria has her head on Michael's shoulder and Michael's arm is wrapped around her. <What, you didn't think I'd notice? Course I would.> Max and Tess are sitting by the desk and Kyle and Isabel are sitting on the bed. L: Everything I'm going to say is going to come as a shock to you but something happened and you need to know what's going on. Valenti and Hansen are about to declare Alex's death a suicide. <::cue shocked looks here::> I: What? <She said, uh, forget it. It's too long to type.> Maria raises her head from Michael's shoulder at this statement. L: No, it's not true, okay. It's not true. <Therefore it's false. Looks like those science lessons finally paid off.> M: How could they say that? Of course it's not true. <Like I said, false. Not correct. An error. A mistake.> Mx: (hesitant) Well … I'm not so sure. <Say what?> L: What? Max, c'mon. We talked about this. You said … <And I quote "I'll take care of it." If this is your version of "taking care of it", I'd rather you didn't.> Max seems to have gotten Liz's case of interruptus. Mx: I know. But I've read the file. Valenti showed … <Showed you his collection of guns? His tool kit? Showed you what?> Liz gets her interruptus-case back. L: (mad, sarcastic) Oh, Valenti showed you the file. <Ah, the file. Did it say something about the jacket?> Mx: I don't want to believe it either but I saw … <Some mentions of Liz's jacket?> Max drops his head down. Liz looks mad. Mx: The evidence is pretty convincing. <Yep, the evidence points to one thing: The.jacket.must.go. Hey, how about we bury the jacket and resurrect Alex instead?> Mi: I can't believe it. Suicide. <The jacket couldn't take all the abuse so it decided to unravel itself. It's jackecide..> L: It wasn't a suicide and I can prove it. <You mean, someone else decided to to put the jacket out of its misery? Alex. Think of Alex. Must.not.think.about.jacket. Okay, you have the floor, Liz. Unless Max decides to get the case of interruptus again.> Five minutes ago, I found this here in Alex's room. They are concert tickets to Beth Orton. Alex bought them the day he died, probably for him and Isabel. The concert is tonight. Don't you get it? You don't buy concert tickets on the day you plan to kill yourself. You don't make plans for the future if you're not planning on having a future. <She has a point.> M: She's right. No way, there's no way. T: I don't know though. A couple of concert tickets, that's pretty slim evidence. <Oh, hush. Liz may have appalling taste in outerwear but I'm with her on this one.> M: (upset at Tess) You don't know what you're talking about. <Isn't she a good friend? She always backs up Liz. Speaking of which, Liz, what have YOU done for Maria lately? Huh?> Mi: Hey, hey, hey. There's nothing to be gained by this argument one way or another. We know Alex, we know what kind of guy he is and we know he'd never kill himself. <Whoa! What's this? A let-'s-not-argue, let's-be-reasonable-about–this Michael? Who da thunk it? Can we keep him? Pretty please? If this was season 1, he would have been smack dab in the thick of things. Now he's calm, laid back and wonderful. Like I said, can we keep him?> M: (whispering) Exactly. Mi: So as far as all the people in this room are concerned, it was an accident, nothing more. L: It wasn't an accident. He was murdered. <Did she say murdered? ::jawdrop::> Isabel looks at Liz. Mx: (upset) Would you listen to yourself? <Um, that's kind of a narcissistic command, isn't it?> Who could possibility want to murder Alex? L: I don't know yet. <But I bet she has a pretty good idea.> Maybe someone with a grudge against him. Our maybe an alien. Mx: (mad) That is not what happened here. <Oooh, Mr. Da Man makes a return appearance.> L: Would you just think about it for a minute? <You're only giving him a minute? I think he may need more than that.> Michael starts to get up. L: If there's anything any one of us have learned over the past year and a half is that nothing is ever what it seems. <Let's see. Nasedo. Not an army consultant. Shapeshifter. Pierce. Not a deputy. FBI alien hunter. The Congresswoman. Not a congresswoman. A Skin. Courtney. Not a waitress. A Skin. Who sacrificed herself rather than turning over the granilith. Nicholas. Not the Congresswoman's brother. A Skin, loyal to Kivar. Grant. Geologist. Possessed by blue alien parasite turned flying blue jellyfish. Nope, I don't see how you could ever think that nothing it what it seems. :grin:> I: What is THAT? <Call me crazy but I think it's a theory.> (stands) That's not evidence. <Who said anything about evidence? I said it was a theory.> (yelling) There's no proof that we had anything to do with it! T: Keep your voices down for God's sakes! L: You cannot deny the fact that a key member of this conspiracy just died under very suspicious circumstances. <They're calling themselves a conspiracy now? Since when?> K: I'm with Liz. There's something not right about this. <Yeah, it's called "Alex isn't here, isn't alive anymore!"> Mx: It was a traffic accident. There's nothing otherworldly about it. <Otherwordly? Since when has Max started saying the word 'otherworldly'?> Mi: What possible reason would an alien have to kill Alex? <They were jealous because he was a musician and "musicians always get the ladies"? On a Candy note, Maria's resting her chin and palms on his shoulder as he says this. Very sweet.> L: Isabel for one. <Wha?> We know there's an alien named Kivar who wants to bring her back to your world. <The K word. Haven't heard that since ... since the dupes. Continuity strikes with feeble attempts.> I: (upset) No! L: If Kivar discovered that you and Alex … <Danced? Kissed? He'd ... what? Take dancing lessons like Michael and usurp Alex's place?> Looks like the case of interruptus has spread to Isabel. I: (screaming) No, no! You're just making this up! <Yeah, that Liz, she loves to make stuff up. She'a a wacky girl.> Mx: You don't know what the hell you're talking about. <Whoa! Not only does Liz say 'crap' in the ep, Max says 'hell'. What's next? Friggin? Suffering suckatash?> You don't know anything about Kivar or our world. <Ah, the things she knows that you don't know …> L: (accusing) You don’t want to think that Alex was killed by an alien because that would mean YOU are responsible. <Okay, I'm torn here. On one hand, I understand and agree with Liz's point about the possibility of an alien connection. On the other hand, I don't like pinning the responsibility for Alex's death solely on the shoulders of Max, Michael, Tess and Isabel.> Mx: Let's go. (addressing the aliens) <Where are we going? Can we stop by McDonald's? I'm hungry. Need.A.Big.Mac.> Max, Tess, Isabel leave with Michael following them last. L: I know what I know. <Is that like "I am what I am"?> And I am going to find out the truth. I owe that to my friend. Liz leaves the room. Maria's still sitting by the window and Kyle's standing by the bed. K: I guess it's us versus them. <Is that like Ali vs. Frazier? Hmmm, someone needs to work some magic and bring everyone together again. Maria? Do your thing!> At the Crashdown: It's night time and it's raining. Liz puts in a Beth Orton CD in the CD player. The song "She Cries Your Name" comes on. Flashbacks of Alex appear. The striptease scene in Surprise ... Liz grabs and looks at prom pictures spread out on table. She smiles at the picture of Alex and Isabel at the prom. Striptease scene again ... Liz starts crying and looking at the pictures. HeatWave jail scene between Alex and Liz ... Liz is back to looking at prom pictures. Pilot scene with Alex, Liz and Maria ... 'Pretzel' scene with Alex, Liz and Maria (the one where he does something twisty with his arms) ... Out of the cave scene in HTOHL ... Striptease scene continued ... Liz smiles slightly. Car scene in EOTW with Alex, Liz and Maria ... Back to the striptease scene ... Liz looks at the pictures again – this time, at their last group shot taken at the Crashdown before the prom. She breaks down crying. There is a knock on the door. It's Doobie, er, Jerry, no, I'm still calling him Doobie the delivery boy. Liz lets him in the café. DB: Thought about you what you said. <It required thought?> You know. If I remember anything. <Amazing. He remembered stuff about Alex AND he didn't get turned around on the way to the Crashdown.> I got the credit card receipt. Company kicked it back because of the way he signed it. <He signed it ... "Bond. James Bond"?> Liz looks at the receipt. Instead of a signature, there are a bunch of 1's and 0's on the signature line. Liz whispers about the sequence of numbers: 111001001000111011001. <It's a code of some sort.> She walks towards the table and puts the receipt down on it. DB: Does it mean anything? <Do I look like I'm carrying a decoder ring on me? No, I don't know what it means.> L: It means I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. <Oh. That's what it means? I guess you don’t need a decoder ring then, huh? :) > It's Too Late, It's Too Bad Michael and Maria come to an understanding. Michael and Maria come to an understanding (and oh yeah, there's that Max/Liz/Tess thing too) Transcriber/Commentator: Minnie Archive Date: 5/4/2001 Maria's Intro: Okay, what you need to know about Alex was that he loved life. < I'm suddenly remembering the out-of-cave scene in HTOHL. And crying in remembrance.> He loved it. <He also loved Isabel.> He played his bass <Now I'm remembering his line in BD "Musicians get the ladies.">, he travelled, he just back from his trip to Sweden a couple of months ago <Question: Why Sweden? Just curious about that.> and he had his whole life ahead of him. And then this one stupid accident came and took it all away. Forever. <I'm still in Alex-denial, btw. He's not gone, he's just in Sweden. Yeah, that works for me.> Liz, she's on this crusade <try rampage> to prove that Alex's death wasn't accidental. She's convinced that what happened to Alex was alien-related. <I'm convinced that what happened to Alex was another trip to Sweden.> The Pod Squad <Hee, they used a FF Crashdown/Ros1 board term in the intro.> was not too happy about that one. And believe me, she will. Start of show: In Alex's bedroom: Maria, Mr. Whitman and Liz are in the bedroom. Maria nad Mr. Whitman are looking at pictures of Alex while Liz is looking at Alex's computer. M: It's a 2 page yearbook spread, a collage that, you know, captures everything that Alex was. <You know, all these past tense terms are making me think that Alex isn't in Sweden.> Dad: You guys are just great friends to Alex. Oh, and Liz, tell your folks thanks for the food they sent over. L: (not paying much attention) Yeah, um sure. <Geez, Liz, distracted much?> What are these? (points to cards) Dad: Condolence cards from the floral arrangements. You can take a look at them if you like. L: The Olsens? <The twins from Full House sent Alex condolence cards? Wait, are you saying Mary Kate and Ashley knew Alex?> Dad: Alex's host family in Sweden. <Oh. Those Olsens. Never mind.> It's awful to admit but Gloria <A-ha! We finally know the name of Alex's mother! It's Gloria. Another Roswell mystery solved.> and I didn't even think about contacting them. L: Well then who did? Dad: I'm assuming someone from the school. Aex's entire trip was set up through the guidance office. <The guidance office is a travel agency? Whoa, I want to go to their school. It's got perks.> Dad: Well, it looks like you guys are gonna be here for a while. I'll order pizza. <Get me one too, would you? Pepperoni, mushrooms and extra cheese would be good.> M: Oh, no you really don't have to. <But I'm hungry.> Dad: It's nothing. <That's what my stomach is saying. It's nothing because there's no food in it. > Mr. Whitman leaves. M: Liz, you're being rude. <Word.> It's time for another edition of 'Let's just ignore what Maria says.' L: Alex put every single thing about his entire life in his computer. There has got to be something in here to help us figure out what happened. <Hey, maybe there's also something in there to help you figure out why you shouldn't dismiss other people.> M: Mr. Whitman let us go through his stuff for the yearbook spread. You can't look through his stuff for clues. It's immoral. <Uh-huh.> L: What's immoral is that someone murdered Alex. <There's that word again. Murder. He's in Sweden, I tell you.> Look we have got 2 clues here ... the numbers on this Thai food receipt and his girlfriend Leanna. Will you start looking through his desk and see if you can find anything? <Yeah. Like some M&Ms. Because I'm hungry and that pizza's still not here.> M: I don't think so ... no. <You're not going to looking for M&Ms? Rats. Guess I'll have to find them myself.> L: Come on Maria, we've only got a few hours. <And yeah, there's that pesky 'let's not listen to what Maria is saying' thing again.> M: Liz, does Max know that you're doing this? <What does Max have to do with anything?> L: I'm just looking for the truth. <Yeah, well, I'm just looking for food.> I don't think that Max is interested in that right now. <Well, do you think Max would be interested in getting me a pizza?> M: God, I hate this. It's like this ... chasm has formed between everybody since ... L: Since I said that aliens were responsible for Alex's death. <You said it, not me.> M: Yes. Look, I really don't think we should be doing this without them knowing. It's just going to make things worse. As it is, Michael and I haven't even talked to each other in days. <Why not? Has spaceboy been ignoring you because of Liz's statements? Crap, crap, crap. > The 'let's ignore Maria again and focus on the computer' thing with Liz continues. L: Why would he lock this document? <Because it's got embarassing pictures in it?> M: What? L: Inside this folder, there's 5 subfolders and in the last folder, there's 1 locked document. <And inside that folder which has more than 1 subfolder, 4 of the subfolder aren't locked. And the locked document isn't in one of those unlocked subfolders because the locked document is in that one other subfolder. And I just confused myself here.> None of the other documents are locked. <Well, fancy that.> It's like he was hiding it. <Noooo! You think?> Do you have any idea what his security code is? <Um, try 'Michael loves Maria'.> Liz looks at Maria and sees a look on her face. Maria knows what the security code is. L: Oh, Maria ... M: Look, I really don't think ... L: Just tell me. <Why not? Tell her, Maria. She hasn't been listening to anything you have to say anyway.> M: Try "I The Stud." <Well, my guess at his password was wrong but I dove his password.> He's let me log on to his e-mail account a few times. <I wonder why. Who has she been sending e-mails to?> The locked document is opened. Liz grabs Maria and pulls her closer to the computer screen. One sentence keeps flashing on the screen several times: Leanna is not Leanna. <Oooooooooo.> At school: Liz is asking a fellow student what the 1's and 0's on Alex's credit card receipt means. He tells her that without an application, the numbers mean nothing. Max and Tess arrive at school, mentioning something studying together later. Max tells Liz he wants to "talk this through" because he "doesn't want this to turn into a war between us." Liz tells him that "I could have been calmer" when she said Alex's death could be alien-related but she "doesn't reget" what she said. Max wanrs her that "it isn't safe, asking all these questions" and "whatever we decided to do, we decide as a group." L: Do you believe me about Alex? <You mean that he didn't really die and that he's still in Sweden? Yep. What? No, I'm not in denial. What makes you think that?> Mx: No. L: Well, then we can't act as a group right now. <There. Liz.has.spoken.> Maria is in a classroom, fiddling around with a camera. She's taking pictures of something <not sure what it is>. She's telling Maria something is up with the "Leanna is not Leanna" document she found in Alex's computer. It was written on Jan. 16 when Alex was still in Sweden. Liz thinks it's alien-related, that maybe it meant Leanna was a shapeshifter, Skin or some other alien. Maria counters with a statement that maybe it meant that Alex and Leanna had a fight, that he found Leanna flirting with some other guy. Liz goes on to say that there were 20 numbers in the credit card receipt and that there are also 20 letters (including the spaces in between the words) in "Leanna is not Leanna." L: What if there's a connection? <singing really, really off-key 'Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and meeeeee ...'> Michael walks in. Mi: Hey, can I talk to Maria a minute? <A minute? That's all? You're gonna need a lot more than a minute, hon.> L: Sure. Liz leaves. Mi: So what's Liz accusing us of now? <Er, I don't know but she was mumbling something about a connection and that just made me want to break out in song.> M: You know what, if you're here to trash talk <Oooh, trash talk. Bring it on, baby, bring it on!>, I'm gonna have to take a rain check because that is the only way I'm going to through a simple day of school without losing it, all right? <Poor Maria. Back off, spaceboy.> Maria's adjusting some instruments and going towards the camera as she says this. Did you notice how Michael was following her around the room? *siiiiigh* Mi: You gotta tell her to get off this Alex thing. <Yeah, and tell her to stop saying the word 'connection' otherwise I'll be tempted to belt out another song. That is not going to be pretty.> M: What if she's right though? What if the alien ... Mi: All the more reason for her not to get involved. It's dangerous. <Know what else is dangerous? Me singing.> It's not for Liz to look into. Or you. <*candysigh* The way he says "or you" makes me melt. He sounds so worried about Maria possibly getting involved and thereby hurt.> M: God, I hate this. <Er, you weren't talking about my singing, were you?> I hate that there's this division between all of us. <No wonder I dove this girl. She just said exactly what I was just thinking. Remember the words 'united we stand, divided we fall.' Now is NOT the time for squabbling. It's supposed to be a time for healing, for unity, for more singing. Eh, scratch that last one.> Mi: Well, maybe Liz shouldn't have blamed us for killing Alex. <Whoa, did Liz say that?> M: That is not what she said, Michael. <Oh. Thank you for clarification, Maria. I love how Maria defends Liz, how she defends everyone. What a girl.> Michael notices Maria still fiddling around with the camera. Mi: What are you doing? <Well, she's not singing if that's what you mean.> He sees three guitars propped up on display. M: It's a yearbook collage me and Liz are doing in memory of Alex. <What? No. No memories needed. He's in Sweden, I tell you.> Mi: And this would be ... <Um, guitars?> M: It's a picture of all his instruments. <Yeah, she's taking pics of them in case Alex misses what they look like and demands to see them while he's in Sweden.> It's lame, isn't it? <No, it's kinda sweet actually.> Mi: Kind of. <Michael, that was supposed to be your cue to say, "No, not really."> Need help? <Awwww. Spaceboy wants to help. Awwww.> M: (surprised) What, are you serious? <No, he's just kidding. Actually, I'm kidding. He *is* serious.> Mi: Yes. Maria walks towards her bag. Michael's following her again. *siiigh* I dove the way he goes wherever she does. M: Well, I could use a ride to the photo shop to get some color copies. <Question: Why does she need a ride? She has a car, doesn't she? Ooooo, maybe she just wants to hop on his motorcycle. M&M riding around town on his bike. What a dovely thought.> And I gotta track down this non-comp adhesive. <This what?> And my Exacto knife is missing. <She's starting to babble.> And yeah, I haven't collected half the stuff that we want to put on the collage. <Yeah, and what else?> And on top of everything, I have a major deadline to meet. They leave the classroom. The podsters are in the desert talking. Max is saying Liz is obssessed and she's talking to people about Alex. Isabel thinks there is a possibility Liz might be right but Max shuts her down big time with "no, she isn't right." And even if Liz were right, he says that their best cover would be denial or hiding, something they've always done. Isabel talks about how she might get into college early and that a 'congratulations' might be nice. Max bypasses her statement and walks off with Tess. Max and Tess are in a bedroom, talking. Max rubs Tess' foot. <Okay, is it just me and does Max NOT know how to rub feet at all? He's just like holding it. Ummm, Max, if you're going to rub someone's feet, a little moving of the hand might be nice.> T: The kiss at the prom. The infamous kiss. <Huh? It was infamous? Why, did it get broadcast through the school PA?> Mx: Yeah, right. <It was? Where was I when this happened?> T: After what happened to Alex <You mean, him going on a trip to Sweden and not returning yet? Yes, as you can see, I am still deep in denial land.>, I can understand putting the subject on hold but now I just can't help wondering where we are. <Uh, you guys are on Earth. Repeat after me. Eaaarrrtttthhhh.> Mx: Right. <See, he knows.> You and me together <Sing it with me now ... you and me, so happy together>. It scares me. <What, my singing? Okay, okay, I'll stop. Geez. Some people.> Right or wrong, if I follow that road, I feel like I can never go back. <Hey, uh, Max, no one asked you to sing with me.> T: You're scared to go home. <Oh. He was talking about going home, not the singing. Anyway, look! It's character nuance!> Mx: What is home? <Some people say it's where the heart is.> Is home really up there? <I see Venus. I don't see your home though. What does it look like again?> I just feel like this whole idea of where we come from ... I don't want to believe it. <And you're just telling me this now? After all the time I've invested in this show, you're telling me you don't believe in aliens from another planet? :)> I don't understand it. <You're telling me.> More and more. But it just feels like it's this dream. This dream that I can never really quite touch ... or see ... or feel. <You forgot 'or smell ... or taste'. Gotta put in the rest of the five senses there, Max.> And Earth just seems so much more real. Liz goes to Sean to ask him for some advice on how to pick locks. Seans gets a clue that Liz wants to break in somewhere. She wants to break in the guidance office in school. Seans tells her he can't help her because he's not allowed within a 1,000 feet of the school. <And still, there's no explanation WHY he isn't allowed on school grounds. He just keeps saying it. Liz doesn't even ask WHY. This is annoying me a little.> Sean and Liz break into school. Liz goes into the counselor's office, grabs Alex's folder, makes copies and stuffs them somewhere on her person. Sean tells her they need to go now. As Sean and Liz are about to leave, they are caught by a security guard. Max is walking in the park at night. He hears a short whistle. It's Michael. Mx: Don't do that. Mi: This whole thing with Isabel and college ... <Uh-huh, what about it?> Mx: She can't go. <Oh, yeah? Well, who died and made you king? Oh, wait. You died when you were king. Eh, whatever.> Mx: Do you want me to talk to her about it? Things seems a little tense between you two. <A little? You call that a little? Violin strings are less tense than these two.> Mx: Okay. Max turns to leave. Mi: Max ... Mx: What? Mi: Nothing. Is everything all right? <Hmmm, let's review, shall we? Alex just died. Liz just accused that aliens of having something to do with his death. Isabel and Max are at odds. Sure, everything's all right. Why do you ask> > Mx: Yeah. Mi: Good. <Good? I hardly think so.> Mx: Good. Because you kinda snapped at Isabel before. <Yeah, that Max he's such a snapper.> You know, about the Liz thing. She was just saying it was a possibility. <Yeah, well, have you ever considered this possibility: Max likes to snap at people. Keeps him in touch with his feminine side. Hee.> Mx: I know. It's just ... if I want to hear theories about Alex's murder <Whoa, did you catch that? He actually said murder, not death. Do you think subconciously he knows it was a murder?>, I could talk to Liz. Mi: Yeah. Mx: You think we have something to do with it? <No, but like Kyle said, there's something not right about this.> Mi: I have no idea. <Here's an idea for you: Go to Maria right now and give her a kiss.> I just wouldn't want our leader to be forming opinions based on what he wants to be true instead of what really is true. <As pointed out by another Candy out earlier, look, look, look: a recycled line a la Nasedo and Max in S&B. Think the writers need some new material?> Anyway ... Mx: Michael, the idea that Alex might have died just because we're here ... I can't bear it. <Plasmatic moment, plasmatic moment. *Maria*, are you hearing this?> All those times you would run off chasing some clue to find out where we come from <insert 285S sigh here ... ah, just think Michael's search for a clue brought something even wonderful ... it brought him Maria. Isn't it *sigh* a dovely thought?>, where we belong <*coughwithMariacough*>, I always thought you were chasing something that wasn't out there. <I always thought he was chasing Maria.> Because in my heart, I believed that we belonged here, you know? <Because in my heart, I believe Michael and Maria belong together. Here, there, wherever ... as along as they're together. Hey, that last thing rhymed. Whaddya know? I'm a poet. > That we were human. Lately I've been thinking you were right all along. <Could it be? Max actually said Michael was right about something! pinches self to make sure it's true Ouch! Guess it's true. The red marks on my arms do not lie. They hurt though.> Mi: Lately I've been thinking I might have been wrong all along. <Hah, we knew *that*, didn't we, Candies?!!?!!> Sean is explaining to Deputy Hanson what he's doing at school, saying that Liz is hot and he was "just trying to get into her pants." <Sheesh.> Hansen lets Liz off with a strong warning. Max and Valenti are talking in his house. Valenti tells Max that Hansen caught Sean and Liz breaking into school. Valenti says that normally he doesn't know want the podsters are up to and he doesn't want to know but "you guys are usually a lot more careful about this." Michael and Isabel are talking at school. Isabel shows Michael where she'll be living in San Francisco and she sounds excited about it. Michael tells her everyone has to stay in Roswell. He askss what will happen if the rest of the podsters needed her when she's at school. Mi: What are you going to tell your roomates or your professors? "Sorry, Doctor So and So, I gotta miss Sociology because of a fresh gandarium spray over the Roswell sewers." <LOL, Michael. That's a good one. But why Sociology?> Isabel starts to protest. Mi: I'm not done. Who's going to pay for this cross country travel? You know what a last minute plane ticket costs these days? <Ummm, lemme guess. A LOT?> I: So, I'll change all the bills to 100's. <A-ha! One more mystery solved. Boy, they're just throwing out all these explanations all of a sudden. Too bad it's not the kind we want. It's finally revealed how they manage to get around to all sorts of places -- think New York -- with no visible means of income. They just change their allowance -- I'm assuming they have one -- to bigger bills. I want HER power now. I want to change all my bills to 100's.> Mi: (surprised) You can do that? <He's so cute when he looks surprised.> I: I just need a change. <Well, can you change my money to 100's?> Michael tells her that they didn't know how Alex's death would affect all of them and that she shouldn't make decisions when her emotions are running high. I: Isn't that when you make all your decisions? <She got you there, Mikey.> Michael tells her he's epaking fo Max when he says that she has to stay in Roswell. I: You know what? If Max has something to say to me, he'd best find a way to say it himself. <Ooooh, Max is in trouble now.> At the classroom: Maria's in front of the yearbook committee, explaining Alex's collage. M: It's going to be a great collage. Like there's still of a lot of stuff that we're trying to collect like there's this poster of his first gig in Hondo <I thought they were going to mention Dexter again for some reason. That town sure seemed popular earlier in the season. But since the ep seems to be a throwback to season 1, it makes sense that they mention a town in season 1.> and then we're trying to get a hold of this poem that he wrote <Alex wrote a poem? Awwww.> about when his dog got his leg amputated <Wait, Alex had a dog? Since when? Another plothole!> because you know you can't have a collage about Alex without capturing his sense of humor. <Word.> It's a work in progress clearly. <Oh, yeah, clearly.> Teacher: Maria, you were supposed to be delivering the camera ready art. <Funny, I thought she was supposed to be riding around with Michael on his bike since he was giving her a ride to the print shop.> M: All right, yeah, I know. It's a lot better than it looks. <Clearly.> Teacher: Okay, we're already holding the presses for this. <Geez, teach, you'd think a major event such as Alex dying -- I mean, going to Sweden -- make you give Maria a little leeway on this.> M: I understand. <Clearly.> Teacher: And as much as we're all devastated about Alex <Correction: I don't think YOU'RE devastated at all. Maria is, though. So is Isabel.>, I don't think it's in the wishes of the student body to have the yearbook until graduation. <::blinks:: Why not? The whole student body wouldn't even be present if not for Maria in WipeOut.> M: Look, if you could just give me 48 hours. <Clearly. No, wait, that comment doesn't belong there. Sorry.> Teacher: Okay, maybe we should think about compromising a little. <How about we think about Alex a lot instead? Or M&M for that matter? Compromises are a little boring compared to them. Heh.> I mean do you really need to have every single piece of memorabilia in the collage. <Hmmm, lemme think. YES!> M: Yes. Yes, I do. <Atta girl!> And I will, we will, Liz and I will. <Liz? You sure about that?> Teacher: Where is Liz anyway? <She's off on a crusade to find the missing link. I mean, THE TRUTH.> Liz is talking to someone on the phone from the Swedish Embassy, describing the building that is in the background of the picture of Alex and Leanna. <*Sniffle* Alex!!> Max corners her. Mx: What the hell were you and Sean DeLuca doing here last night? <Ummm, playing Parcheesi in the counselor's office? :) > L: Max, not now. <I can't explain to you why I suddenly felt the urge to play Parcheesi with Sean. You just won't understand.> Max asks her who she was talking to on the phone. Liz tells him it was someone from the Swedish Embassy. Max tells Liz "this has to stop". He means all her questions. Mx: You have nothing to lose here and we have everything to lose! <Yeah. Like his, uh, wait, what does he have to lose again? Oh, yeah, that's right. His claim to being 'Mr. I'm Da Man, Worship Me, All You Masses.'> L: Let go of me! Max looks down, shocked. He grabbed her arm and didn't even know it. <Oooooooo.> He lets her arm go. Max is at the park. Tess comes over and asks if he is okay. <I can hear my dreamer sis grinding her teeth at this scene even though she's over 40 miles away. I can also hear subsequent sighs of joy from the Rebels from all over the place. I'm neither Dreamer nor Rebel so I'm feeling rather detached during this scene. What. Ev. Er.> Tess tells Max she has something to show him. <Hee. My mind just went into the gutter.> Max and Tess are at the observatory. <Hmmm, I wonder if it's the Griffith Observatory in LA. I've been there. Nice place. If it is the Griffith Observatory, then I've seen through that big telescope thing. Just thought I'd mention it.> Tess shows Max a star. Max asks if it's their home. T: No, it's called Bernard's Star. <I interrupt this transcript to check on the accuracy of this statement. Is there really such a thing as Bernard's Star or did a writer have a pet named Bernard and decide to name the star after him? ::goes to google.com to check:: Well, lookee here. It says "Bernard's Star, 5.98 light years from Earth, 56,573,790 kilometers away from Earth". Huh. Nice to see some writers are still interested in facts, not just CHADs.> You see that star from our planet. Our world's out there, Max. <Or like Chris Carter says, "The truth is out there."> It's not close and sometimes it seems like a dream to me too. <There's the mention of the dream thing again. I wonder if this is all leading up to something.> But it's real, you know that. <Uh, yeah, okay.> That's reality, Max. This ... this is the dream. <So are you saying I'm just dreaming all of this? That Earth is just a dream and in reality I could be a six-foot flying blue jellyfish alien named Yfdejgfmntca that lives on a planet named Surwdascxawed? Is that what you're saying?> M: If that's the truth, when do I wake up? <Well, I've set the alarm to buzz around 7:30 AM so my guess is ... right around that time?> T: That's up to you. <Nope, it's up to my alarm clock.> In Liz's room (I think): There is a knock on the door. L: Come in. M: Liz, you missed another yearbook meeting. The least you could have done was call. <Nah, she didn't want to tie up her cell phone in case Mary Kate, uh, I mean Mr. Olsen called.> L: Yes, I am sorry to pull all that stuff on you right now. <Sure doesn't sound like you're sorry there, Liz.> M: Stuff? <Stuff what? Or who? ;)> L: Yeah, I'm closing in on this Leanna girl. <Say what you will but she's definitely focused, very 'eyes-on-the-prize-that-isn't-Max-for-once'. > They went a cross country tour together. I've got everything mapped out. <Why? You wanna go on a similar tour?> She points to photos tacked up on walls. L: But this is where things don't add up. Alex's itinerary said there were headed for the Baltic Islands. <::does quick geography check:: The seven Baltic islands are: Øland and Gotland in Sweden, Aaland Isles in Finland, Saaremaa and Hiiumaa in Estonia, Rügen in Germany and Bornholm from Denmark. Okay, so we got 7 different islands in 5 different countries. Interesting.> And the date on the schedule matches the photo. Maria is looking at Liz periodically, a worried expression on her face. Liz continues on her 'let's impress Maria with what I've found out,' L: But there is no building that looks like this (holds up picture of Alex and Leanna in front a glass building) in the Baltic Islands or in any of the other cities that he visited for that matter. Maybe she took him to ... Maria gets a case of interruptus that seemed prevalent with Max and Liz in the last ep. M: Would you just listen to yourself? <Whoa! Deja vu! Max told her the exact same thing in CYN.> Liz still goes on with her speculations, barely paying attention to what Maria is saying. L: I don't even know where. To another country OR ... another planet. <Is that a light bulb flashing above her head?> Apparently Maria's getting fed up because ... M: Stop it and listen to me! All right, I need my best friend right now because our other best friend just died and I feel lost and scared and just completely wrecked. And I know that we're supposed to go to school and go to work and finish this yearbook but I just ... I can't. I don't have a handle on things. I feel like everything is just flipping by me. I don't even ... I don't even know if I'm alive right now. So please, just stop focusing on this thing that isn't even there. And just be sad with the rest of us, okay? <::applause:: Word. I love that girl.> L: So you don't believe me either. <Uh, what part of her last statements did you not understand?> M: No. I'm sorry, I guess I don't. Maria goes to get some pictures of Alex. L: Leave the Sweden stuff. I need it. M: God, you know, you're doing this for Alex but you don't care whose life you screw up in the process. <Again, WORD. ::applause::> L: That's not true. <It's not?> M: Oh, it's not? <Hey, she asked the same question I did. No wonder I love her.> How about Sean? <What about Brian? Er, I mean, yeah, Sean.> Have you even thought about him for a second after he ruined his probation for you? <Guess not.> God, I don't even know you anymore. <Would it be redundant for me to keep saying 'Word'?> Liz goes over to the DeLuca household to see Sean. He's still trying to fix the garbage disposal. S: Piece of crap. <Remember this line. I'll tell you why later.> Sean's dressed in this dark blue t-shirt that's reminiscent of the t-shirts that Michael used to wear. <I miss his black t-shirts of season 1.> Sean sees Liz and says Maria's not around. Liz thanks him and says he did a very heroic deed for her. Sean tells her his aunt talked to Valenti and Valenti talked to Hansen so he's not going to jail but will be "doing community service until I'm senile." L: I should go. S: Armored truck heist? <LMAO! Ah, that Sean, he's starting to be funny. Of course. He's still a DeLuca. Humor runs in their blood.> Liz tells him she has to go and Sean asks if he could go with her. Liz says she wouldn't be good company, that she has to do this thing and needs to be focused. <She has to go bowling and needs all her concentration so she doesn't have gutter balls. Okay, not really.> S: I can't date you, I can't hang out with you. Is there anything I can do with you? <Oh, that line just sent my mind into the gutter again.> Liz turns to leave but then goes back to plant a big one on Sean. A kiss, that is. At Michael's apartment: Maria knocks on the door. Michael opens it. Mi: The print ship, I totally forgot. <Not good, Michael, not good. Don't tell me ... you were kidnapped by aliens who forced some strange kind of black oil into your system and that's why you forgot.> M: You were supposed to pick me up. I call you and your line is disconnected? <Oh, no! It's an alien conspiracy!> Mi: Yeah. I forgot to pay my phone bill. <Oh. Ixnay on the conspiracy. Hmmm, is it just me or is Michael too young to be forgetting things? First the phone bill. Then Maria. Next, he'll probably forget his pants. > M: I was worried about you. I thought something happened to you. <Awwwww. Coming on the heels of Alex's death, she probably did worry a lot about him.> Mi: No, I'm fine. <Except for the forgetfulness.> C'mon, we'll go right now. M: No. (sits on couch) No. Mi: Maria, the print shop doesn't close until 7 o'clock. We have time. <Time for what? Some nookie? *wink wink*> Maria, I'm right here. I just forgot. <Two words, Michael: Post-it notes. I hear they can be quite handy. You can post reminders for yourself on those things. If those fail, there's always string. You can tie a piece to your finger so you remember stuff.> M: I can't count on you. Mi: Yes, you can. <*candysigh* Isn't he just the sweetest, most dearest thing? Even though he is forgetful.> I'll take care of this for you. I'm right here for you. <I'm dying, I tell you, dying of candy-happiness. He's saying the kind of things I've always wanted him to say to Maria, the kind of words I knew were in his heart. *siiiiiiigh*> M: But you won't always be. <But he's here now, Maria.> Mi: What? (shocked) <Somehow I didn't think he expected that kind of response from her. It's almost like he's actually shocked that she'd say that to him after he tried to reassure her.> M: One day you're gonna leave me. <La la la la la. I didn't hear that. On a serious note, I liked the realism in Maria's statement. She doesn't blind herself to the possibility of his departure. Perhaps it's because she knows that people do leave, i.e. her father, Alex, etc.> M: You're going to get on a spaceship and go away. < Nooooo! Reiterating my former statement: I didn't hear that. La la la la la.> And you being the perfect boyfriend right now is not helping me. <Well, it's helping ME! Michael's gone from being 'the worst boyfriend in America' in EOTW to the 'perfect boyfriend in ITLITB. What? It only took 11 eps!> Maria gets up. M: I can't lose anyone right now, Michael. My heart can't handle it. < Awwwww, she needs a hug. Someone give her a hug. Michael?> Maria leaves. Liz calls Sweden and finds that there is no one named Olsen at that number. <Guess Mary Kate and Ashley don't live there.> She double checks the number and the party on the other line confirms that she has the right number. He tells her not to call again. Liz looks at the florist card and decides to go investigating that angle. She asks the florist if she could see his records to determine where the order came from. <Yeah, because you know all florists are just going to hand out that info to every Tom, Dick and Liz that ask him.> The florist refuses to cooperate with her, saying he's not going to show his records because he's "trying to run a business" and not cater to some teenager. Liz decides to go to the bank next. She withdraws all her money, around $2,500 plus change. <Now I wonder what she's got up her sleeve.> She's going to Sweden. <Ahhhh, maybe then she can confirm that Alex is still alive and eating Swedish meatballs somewhere. Hey, I can hope, can't I?> At school: Isabel is sitting in the lounge when Max joins her. She's happy because the high school has put in a good word for her and she could be up on the waiting list at the college in San Francisco. Max hands her a book and tell her he's found a way to make things work. The book has 'Santa Fe State University' on it. He says there is an application in there. He thinks it's a good plan to have her study at the university since it is "only a few hours away" and then gets the idea that maybe they can "convince Mom and Dad to get you a car." I: I don't want to go to Santa Fe. Mx: Isabel, you've been indulged in this for too long. <Oh, condescending much?> I: Indulged? In planning my future? She pulls out a recommendation letter. I: Isabel Evans has really enjoyed growing up in Roswell and as much as she loves her hometown and shows that love through hours of community service, I believe that Roswell is just too small to contain the potential of Isabel Evans. <Yeah, what the letter said.> Mrs. Seymour from the homeless shelter wrote that. She goes to tell him that she has dozens more recommendations. I: As far as the outside world is concerned, I am a bright, upstanding citizen of the community of planet Earth. <Er, what about planet Antar?> I play the role to perfection. Now it is my turn. <You tell 'em, girl!> Mx: Don't make me the bad guy in all of this. <I hate to tell you this Max, you sure are starting to sound villain-ish.> I: You are the bad guy in all of this! <Hee. Hoist with his own petard.> How could you send Michael to come and talk to me? It's like the alien mafia! <Ooooh, watch out, Max is going to make you an offer you can't refuse.> Mx: You can't go. <Otherwise known as I.Have.Spoken.So.There.> I: I have news for you, little brother. <Wait, wait, wait a second! He's her 'little' brother? Since when? Uh, did I miss something again?> I'm going to college in San Francisco. Every teacher in West Roswell knows about it, Mom and Dad are thrilled about it so either jump on the band wagon or get out of my way. <YEAH! Preach on, sistah! The warrior princess is back! Hah, take that, your king-liness!> She stands up and stands walking towards the lockers. Mx: Isabel, if I have to, I will do everything in my power to keep you there. <My Outsider side just sighed at this.> I will tell our parents you have a drug problems <WHAT? ::unplugs ears:: He CANNOT be saying that to Izzy! My Outsider side is no longer sighing, it's pissed>. I will tell your teachers that you have cheated on every test for the past 3 years. <Royally pissed now. Someone smack him! Then stuff him in the nearest trash can. And put a lid on it until his royal suckiness apologizes. And I don't care about what he's going through. Justify it all you want but he has NO right to talk to Isabel that way. @$$&^%#)!> If you ever leave Roswell without my consent, I will physically drag you back. <And how are you going to do that with your butt being stuffed in a can? Isabel can take you.> For the last time, the answer is no. Period. <Geez, Max, wouldn't a little foot stomping be order here? You're sure acting like a belligerent, pompous ASS!!! ::looks for trash can::> I: You're killing me. <Kick his butt, Isabel. That will make you feel better. Okay, that will make ME feel better.> Mx: You let it go this far. <That's IT! You and me, Max, outside NOW! ::rolls up sleeves::> I: Fine! She crumples up the recommendation letter and incinerates it by hand with her powers. <Out in the hallway for everyone to see.> I: This Isabel Evans is dead. <There, you killed her. You happy now, your royal suckiness?> You want to be the leader? See how it works without any followers! <She ain't dead yet, she was just stunned! Yay! You go, Isabel. Tell him he's being an ass. I like this side of her.> A random jock <who I will dub Jack> in the hallway approaches her. Jack the Random Jock: Oh, Isabel Evans, you're so hot when you're pissed. <Okay, not a good thing to say to her at this time.> Isabel puts up a hand and sends the jock flying across the floor, skidding only to a stop at the lockers. Max, his royal suckiness, picks Jack the random jock, up off the floor. <That coulda been you, Max, that coulda been you.> At the DeLuca household: Amy is working on the garbage disposal as Michael enters the house. A: Piece of crap. <Does this line sound familiar? It should. Sean said the exact same thing about the garbage disposal earlier.> Mi: Need some help? <He's so helpful these days. That's the second time he's offered to help out the DeLucas.> I'm pretty good with this sort of thing. <Yeah, having powers always means you'll never have a clogged garbage disposal.> A: Michael, you're in a house with very self-sufficient women here. <Er, Sean's also in the house. Does that mean he's a woman too?> Mi: Why don't just just get a new one? <Because she's attached to that particular one?> A; Me and this garbage disposal have a pretty good relationship. <Yep, she pours stuff down it, the disposal just gobbles it up. Simple.> Mi: Yeah, but what if he broke down for good? What if like in his own way, he wanted out permanently? <I get the feeling we're not talking about household appliances here anymore. And since when is a garbage disposal a "he"?> A: Do you think he's thinking of leaving? <The garbage disposal is leaving? NO! Bad, bad garbage disposal. Now how are the DeLucas ever going to get food down the drain without clogging it? And how is it leaving exactly? It doesn't have legs!> Mi: Well, maybe he realizes he can't be around forever. <Why not? Is there no warranty on it?> That to just stay and be here and crush garbage until he leaves will give people a false sense of security. <Ah, now I get it. You're saying that the garbage disposal may have a warranty but it can't get break down in the meantime. No? That's not what you meant? Oh.> <On a serious note, I like the idea of Michael tackling this issue head-on. Sorry, bad pun. It's lovely to see him want to address Maria's concerns. And his for that matter. He knows what might happen, and like Maria, he doesn't blind himself to it. He knows not everything is going to rosy and perfect so because he knows himself all too well. And he owes the truth to Maria. I like the fact that he went to Maria's mother for advice on how to handle things.> A: Look, Michael, we're both getting what we need out of this situation and sure the disposal won't always be around but what is? <Spoken like a true realist. Amy's had experience with men coming and going in her life so she knows no one can really promise that everything's just going to stay the same. To me, this statement still plays into the theme of CYN ... life is fleeting, you never know what's around the corner.> Maybe tomorrow isn't really something to worry about. <My translation: Be in the moment. Focusing too much on the future will make you miss all the good things in the present. And before you know it, the future will come without you ever enjoying present.> Give me that hammer. Michael hands Amy a hammer. She uses it to bang on the pipes underneath the sink. Michael runs his hand over the disposal and it starts to work. A: Oh, my God, did you see that? I fixed it. Mi: Nice one, Mrs. De Luca. <Awwww, he fixed it for her. And didn't take any credit for it.> At the edge of town: Liz is sitting on a fence, waiting for something. Max drives up in his jeep. Mx: Where are you going? <To the ends of the earth.> L: Sweden. <Or that.> Mx: Are you kidding me? <Yes. Yes, she is. Now laugh, dammit!> Get in the car! Liz refuses. Max asks her what she is going to tell her parents. Liz says she'll say she went to her aunt in Florida. Max tells her that her parents will call her aunt and find out she's not there. Liz shoots back that she'll come up with a different excuse then. The cab pulls up. Mx: Liz, don't get in that cab. <My, he's just throwing orders around, isn't he? Who does he think he ... never mind.> L: (to the driver) Load it up. Mx: Liz, get in my car. <Yeah, I think Bob misses you, Liz.> Max grabs her bag and throws into his jeep. L: What are you going to do? You going to thrown me in? <Here's an idea. How about you throwing Max out of somewhere? I'm still ticked off about his comments to Isabel.> <Interesting thing I noticed: In this ep, Max and Liz are the ones who are always fighting. Michael and Maria are the ones who are pretty sedate. When did the body-and-personality transplant occur?> L: Don't even pull that king card on me. I'm not Isabel. <Nope, you need to be taller and blonder to be her.> Max tells Liz she has a responsible to Michael, Tess and Isabel to stay in Roswell. She counters that she has a responsibility to Alex to find out the truth. She gets into the cab. Mx: Liz, if you go, our friendship is over. <Oooh, I'm devastated. Really I am.> L: I guess it's the price I have to pay. <Hah. Hah, I say!> Somebody killed Alex and covered up his death. <::checking to see where I am:: Yep, I've got my feet firmly planted on denial land where it comes to Alex and the dying thing.> Why don't you see that, Max? <Because the glare of his giant ego is blinding him?> Wake up! At the DeLuca household: Michael is at Maria's house. M: (enters) What's this? <'This' is one of those 'starting to become more frequent' occurrences ... Michael in your house! He waited for her, he waited for her!> Mi: Sit down. (guides Maria towards table) We've been through some rough stuff lately. <You can say that again. On second thought, no, don't say that again.> Maria nods. Mi: The thing is ... you're right. <Doth mine ears deceive me? In two eps in a row, Michael has said 'Maria is right'.> I can't really imagine it happening but I'm gonna leave someday. <You're right, Michael. I can't imagine it either. Let's just not imagine it anymore, shall we?> Could be a year or two or fifty <How about fifty ? Is fifty good for you?> but I'm gonna leave. <I'm sorry, did you say something after 'fifty'?> It sucks but it's the choice we made to be together. <Let's just bask in the glow of that statement, shall we? *bask, bask, bask* Now let's analyze it in Candy terms: *analyze, analyze, analyze* First of all, he said 'choice', meaning free will. M&M chose to be in a relationship. Because they wanted to. Because it wasn't destiny's dictate, it was just the dictate of their hearts. Next, he said 'we', as in both of them. Not one-sided but two. Last, 'made to be together' as in 'they're made to be together.' Nuff said.> Maria nods again. <See, I knew she agreed with me.> Mi: There is one thing that I can promise you and that is that I can give you now. <drops to the floor in a melting heap of Candylove *millioncandysighs* No, don't help me up. This moment is too precious and I want to keep on melting with love. Of all the dovely things Michael said has said, this one ranks at the top of them. It's a combination of a promise and a declaration. It has a sweetness that is laced with realism. He's pledged to her now. And, in the light of CYN's events, the present is all that matters. 'Live for today' stuff, you know?> Maria takes Michael's open palm and drops a kiss into it and sheds sweet tears. They both look at the collage on the table. Mi: I was thinking that this (pic of instruments) could go with that (below another pic of Alex). <He found a place for the pic to fit, just as he found a place for himself to fit in Maria's life.> At the observatory: Max is standing outside the observatory. Tess comes up to him and tells him that she knew he'd be there. Cue introspective moment. Mx: My whole life I've wanted to be this person ... this normal person <You mean, like Elvis?> ... human <Okay, so not like Elvis>. My whole life I've been thinking that this alien side of me was this bad thing. <But you got cool powers with your alien side. You can heal people, make green defense shields and stuff like that.> This thing that made me this freak ... this monster. <Awwwww. No. I am not going to feel sorry for his royal suckiness, I am not going to feel sorry for his royal suckiness. After what he said to Isabel, hmmmph!> I realize that I haven't been just hiding from the government and from the law, I've been hiding from myself. <Argh, there are so many UC and slash statements I could make for this line that I can't even begin to choose from them.> I don't know what's happening anymore. <Want me to refresh your memory?> I thought I knew but I don't. <So you're saying you don't know what happened between you and Isabel at school? Because right now, that's the only thing saving you from a major butt-kicking!> I've lost everyone. <Aw, boo-frikkin-hoo!> T: I'll be here for eternity. Max and Tess start to kiss. Liz arrives at the airport. Max and Tess are about to 'get it on'. Liz grabs her ticket at the counter and heads for the plane. Tess takes Max's shirt off. <He's got his hands up in the air, like he's surrendering to her or something.> Liz gets to the plane but before she boards, she gets a call from the guy at the Swedish Embassy. He tells her that he's tracked down the building in the picture of Alex and Leanna BUT <insert DUM, DUM, DUM revelation music here>, it was torn down in 1994. Liz concludes that Alex never went to Sweden. <insert gasps of shock and wide-eyed looks here> Max and Tess are on the floor of the observatory in full 'we're having sex' mode. <Wow, actual nookie in this ep? And it doesn't involve Michael and Maria? Not fair, so not fair.> The camera pans to the V constellation above. Baby, Its You Michael and Maria turn me into mush with just one scene. Transcriber and Commentator: Minnie Archive Date: 5/15/2001 Note: Mx = Max, Iz = Isabel, M = Maria, Mi = Michael, L = Liz At the Evans kitchen: Mx: Mornin'. Isabel doesn't answer but is merely stretching her legs. Mx: You going for a run? Must be up to 5 or 6 miles by now. Still no answer from Isabel. Mx: Look, I know you're still mad and everything but I really need to, uh, to talk to someone. Isabel gets a chair and sits down. She looks pissed. Mx: Well, it's not easy to say esepcially to my sister. <*snort* There's the sister comment again. Give it up, Max!> You know that Tess and I have uh ... well, been getting kinda close and last night uh ... we ... something came up between us. <*snicker* I'll bet something came UP.> Iz: You slept with her? <I didn't hear that.> Mx: Yeah. Iz: (sarcastic) Wow. Congratulations, Max. You lost your virginity. (starts clapping sarcastically) <Like I said, I didn't hear that.> Mx: Iz. Mx: Oh, gee, I'm sorry. Were you looking for some comfort or sympathy before you washed off her dried sweat from your body or hey did you guys do it in the shower? <Didn't hear that either. And the only people doing it in the shower in my world is Max and Iz.> Mx: Forget it. <Already forgotten, Max.> Iz: His Majesty will now retire to his room. <Damn, Iz kicks ass!> Mx: We didn't plan it, okay? It just happened. <Suuuuure.> I'm feeling a little weird about right now and I was just hoping ... Iz: You were wrong. I don't care about your morning after anxieties or your delicate feelings. Because my feelings sure don't matter to you. <I love it! Like I said, she kicked ass!> At the Crashdown: Liz and Maria have bags in hand and are exiting the back door when Michael arrives. He asks where they are headed. Liz gives him some excuse of going to Santa Fe to visit Alex's grandmother because she couldn't make it to the funeral. Liz says that there's a memorial service in Alex in Santa Fe. Mi: Lemme talk to Maria for a second. It's personal. L: Ok, yeah. Ummm. (looks pointedly at Maria and leaves) Mi: (to Maria) Where are you going? M: (continuing the lie) Santa Fe. Mi: (disbelieving) Maria, *where* are you going? Liz doesn't want us to know because she and Max are at war. So here's the thing. I'm not gonna tell Max. But I need to know. Because if where you're going turns out to be dangerous, I'm sure as hell gonna protect you. <AAAAHHHH! *mush* *mush* *mush* That is the sound of my Candy heart turning into mush. Could he be any more adorable? Could I love him any more in the scene? *candysigh*> So where are you going? M: (gives up the lie) We're going to Las Cruces to the university. <Hey, if my boyfriend said something like what Michael said to her, I'd spill the beans too. After I got off the floor because I turned to mush.> And if Liz found out that I told you, I will lose her as a friend. <Awwww.> Mi: First sign of danger you contact me. <*candysigh* Isn't he the sweetest, most dovely thing? Don't you just want to take him home with you? And look, he doesn't even argue with her about going. He just accepts it and tells her to contact him in case something happens. He's worried about her. Awwwww.> Promise? M: Um-hmmm. <She's speechless.> Mi: Absolutely promise? <My heart's gone from mush to pure liquid now. So happy. *sniffle*> M: Yes. Mi: Okay. (gives her a kiss on the cheek) <Damn, where's the OMLR??!!! I want an OMLR!!! Open Mouth Lip Rub!!!> Outside the Valenti household: Max is going ballistic on some trash cans outside the house, tossing them aside. He falls down, crying. Isabel comes up. Iz: Max? Mx: Tess is pregnant. <Say what?> Iz: (shocked) What? Mx: She's pregnant and the baby's dying because it can't live in this atmosphere. And I don't know what to do ... because ... I'm so scared. I don't know what to tell Mom and Dad because I ... it's like what would I even tell them? They don't even know who I really am. I feel so irresponsible and stupid and I know this is supposed to happen because it's our destiny but ... oh my God, what am I going to do? <Okay, now I'm actually feeling sorry for Max.> Iz: (holds out hand) Max, come with me. Come on. They are at the park. Iz: Do you remember Bigfoot? <Ummm, you mean the tall mythological figure that everyone claims to have seen walking in some forest?> Mx: My guinea pig? <Oh. That Bigfoot.> Iz: Yeah. You remember what happened? <No. Enlighten me.> Mx: Sure. Mr. Muldoney's (sp?) dog got into his cage and killed him. <Poor guinea pig.> Iz: Do you remember what happened the next day? <There was a funeral for Bigfoot. Yep, And someone sang 'Another bites the dust?'> Mx: I don't. <You don't remember the funeral? How could you????> Iz makes it snow. <Cool.> Iz: It snowed. <It snowed during the funeral? Yikes. Hope you guys brought snowshoes.> It was the first time we'd ever seen it. It snowed for 2 days. Biggest storm to hit Roswell in a century. <Wow, I guess someone was upset about Bigfoot dying.> It was a disaster for everyone but us. <Well, dying and getting buried in snow was pretty much a disaster for Bigfoot.> Mx: We built snowmen. <They were in denial over the guinea pig's death.> Iz: (smiling) We made angels. <Awwww, they made angels in honor of the guinea pig.> Mx: (smiling and laughing) We pelted Michael with snowballs. <Ummm, okay. Do he pelt you guys back?> Iz: It was magic. <It was snowballs.> Mx: Just like this. <*outsidersigh*> Iz: Max, I had no idea what you've been going through. My problems are really nothing compared to this so I'm sorry. <Um, HELLO! Why are YOU apologizing to Max? He's the one who should apologize. He had absolutely NO right to threaten you last week. Ass.> Mx: No, they're not. Your problems aren't nothing. They're important. Your life is important. I'm sorry for not realizing that. <::blinks:: An apology? Woohoo! He apologized, he apologized! Okay, Max, you've gone up slightly in estimation: from ass to butthead.> Iz: We'll figure something out. We'll figure something out for you and Tess and your ... do you know if it's a boy or a girl? <How about ... it's an alien?> Mx: It's a boy. <Okay, that too.> Iz: Wow. You're having a son. <Next, on All My Alien Children ... Max carries a diaper bag and changes nappies!> Mx: Yeah, a son. A son. <Woo. Someone hand the Dreamers some major anti-depressants.> They hug. <These two can hug like nobody's business.> Departure WOOHOO!!! Everything I ever wanted for Michael and Maria happens in this episode. Transcriber/Commentator: Minnie Archive Date: 5/21/2001 Note: M = Maria, S = Sean, L = Liz, K = Kyle, Mx = Max, Mi = Michael, I = Isabel Maria's intro: M: Max and Tess are now an item. <You mean, like in the supermarket? Are they on sale this week?> There I said it, I don't like it, but I said it. <Something tells me Maria's not a Rebel.> Anyway, turns out Liz was right -- Alex was murdered by an alien and the killer is still out there. <Well, give the girl a prize. Er, Alex isn't dead. He's in Sweden. Sweden, I tell you!> Michael's intro: Mi: Let me tell you what's really going on. <This should be interesting. Wonder if he's going to talk about M&M's relationship..> Tess is pregnant. <Aw, nuts. No Maria talk.> Maxwell's the dad. <I can just see Max changing a diaper bag and changing nappies.> Here's the problem: the baby can't survive on earth, so we need to find a way home. Which fortunately, I think I did. <You did? Don't you mean you, Liz and oh yeah, MARIA?> Max, Tess, Isabel and Michael are inside the pod chamber. Mx: This is a key. <It is? ::looks around for Dawn:: I don't see Dawn. Isn't she the key?> When we insert it in the Granolith will transport us...home. <::giggles:: He said 'insert'. ::points to the crystal:: Insert that thing. ::giggles again::> It will take 24 hours for it to prepare itself. <Prepare itself for what? A shoe sale?> When it's ready, we have to be on board or we don't go. <Yeah, that's what I keep telling my sister. You have to be in car once the shoe sale at Robinsons starts otherwise you don't go!> The granolith is capable of one mission, only one. <It can only go to one shoe sale? Well, that sucks. What if there's more than one going on?> When we use it, it's gone. <Kinda like those phone cards, huh? Once you use the minutes, they're gone.> It's our only way home. Is everyone ready? <Bring on the shoe sale, baby!> I: (shaking head) This is happening too fast. <No, it's not.> Mx: We have no choice, Iz. <Yes, the store closes at 9 PM. We only have 11 hours to shop for shoes.> Mi: What about Leanna? <She wants to go to the sale too?> She's still out there, how can we leave? <Exactly. I mean, she might want a new pair of shoes.> I mean, she's already killed Alex, what's to stop her from killing Liz or Kyle or Valenti or Maria. <Oh. That. Well, then, no shoes for her!> Mx: I'll take care of Leanna <What does that mean, exactly? You'll steal all her shoes?> T: (holding stomach) Max... <If she says, "What do we do now, Max", I will scream.> Max puts the crystal key into the the granolith. A wall clock with the alien symbol on it starts the countdown.. Mx: Everyone say your goodbyes. <::sad look::> At the Crashdown: Liz, Maria, Kyle and Sean are sitting at a table. They're laughing. M: Sean, you really gotta lose that earring. <Yes, Sean, the color's just not you. > It's just so obvious that you're trying ... S: You're retarded, you know that? <Er, you're not talking about me, are you?> L: I think it looks cute. <Baby bunnies are cute. Red shoes that match your outfits are cute. Earrings? Not usually cute.> M: Let's hear from someone other than employee Parker. <::in DeNiro-esque tones:: You talkin' to me? Are YOU talkin' to me? ::paces in front of a mirror:: Are you talkin' to ME?> Kyle ... <Oh, sorry, you were talking to Kyle. Never mind. ::sheepish grin::> K: Isn't that like a gay thing? <Ever notice how much the word gay shows up when Kyle is around?> Anyway ... S: No, it is not a gay thing. <Yeah, it's an earring.> I really gotta get out of this town. <Well, I hear Vegas is a cool place to hang out. If you have $50,000 to spare.> I really do. Maria notices Kyle tapping his fingers on the table. M: Could you please stop doing that thing? <What thing?> K: What? M: That tapping thing. You've been doing it for like an hour. <Hey, he's just trying to break the Guiness world record for "longest tapping streak in history." I think the record stands at 1 hour, 23 minutes, 42 seconds. And you just stopped his streak, Maria.> K: I have? <Wow, he didn't even know he was close to breaking the record.> Max and Michael arrive. K: Oh, Heckel and Jeckel. <Kinda like Frick and Frack, huh? Or Tic and Tac? Or Bric and Brac? Never mind. I could go on and on.> Kyle and Sean leave. Michael sits down at the table, facing Maria. Mx: (to Liz) Can we talk upstairs? <Is this about Sean's earring? Because I already told him it was SO not his color.> Please. Max and Liz leave. Michael looks at Maria. He looks like he wants to say something to her but can't get the words out. M: What? Oh God, somebody's dead, isn't ...? <No, not someBODY but someTHING. Yup, the earring has met its maker.> Mi: No, no, no. It's nothing like that. <You mean, Sean's decided to keep the earring? Feh. No one listens to me anymore.> M: Then what is it? <Uh, Sean's decided to get a bellybutton ring instead? Oh, geez.> Mi: I have to see you tonight. <*sigh* He wants to see her. Tonight. *sigh*> <> Later that night at Michael's apartment: Maria enters the apartment. Michael's all dressed up, wearing a tucked in shirt and nice dress pants. <Woohoo, Maria's right, spaceboy does look good when he's all cleaned up.> Candles are lit everywhere. M: Michael? <Yep, that's his name alright.> Maria looks at the spread on the table. There's food and candles there. Mi: I know you like Italian so ... <Italian? Italian what? Shoes? Maria likes Italian shoes? Okay, I knew I liked that Maria girl. Seriously, how can you not like a girl who likes Italian shoes? Oh .., you mean Italian FOOD! Even better. Pass me a slice of pizza, would you?> And I know Scooby's your favorite. <Forget the pizza. Pass me a Scooby snack! Let's pause here for the requisite "Awwwwwww", shall we? Awwwww, he set up a candlelight dinner for her. *triplecandysigh* Not only that, he used Scooby plates. Awwwww. This scene just captures M&M. Even in a serious and romantic setting, a trace of humor lingers.> M: What's going on? <Michael was just about to give me a Scooby snack. You want one too?> Mi: Sit down. <Uh, Michael? About that Scooby snack?> M: What is this all about? <Well, apparently, it's not about him giving me food. Or anyone else for that matter.> Mi: Sit down, please. <He's very polite, isn't he? Woah! Did I just use the words 'polite' and 'Michael' in the same sentence?> Maria sits on the chair by the couch and Michael sits next to her, facing her. Mi: There's a lot about you, Maria. <Uh-huh, like what? Examples would be good. That should tide me over until I get my snack.> Maria nudges her head to the side in silent agreement. Mi: There's a lot about you but I think what means the most to me is that you're open. <Yup, she's as open as an open book. Okay, so that's redundant. Sue me. I'm still waiting for a snack here.> You know I can look into your eyes and I can see you. <*quadruplecandysigh* He looks into her eyes! He can see her! So, Michael, wanna give me a rough estimate of how many times you've done this? A few numbers would be good. And you don't even have to round them off.> I can see what you're thinking. <Good. Then fork over the snack and no one gets hurt. Oh, you were talking to Maria, not me. Continue, please.> I can see what you're feeling <Wow, not only can he cook but he's clairvoyant too. That settles it. I'm keeping him. For Maria.>, how much I mean to you sometimes and how much I piss you off sometimes. <You? Piss me (and her) off? ::innocent look:: Naaahh, really? Wherever did you get that idea?> But I can always see you. <*quintuplecandysigh* I can't stop sighing. Oh, no! I've developed CCSS -- Chronic Candy Sigh Syndrome. Symptoms of CCSS include sighing at M&M, sighing at M&M and oh, yeah ... sighing at M&M. Don't you dare pass me a Scooby snack now, Michael. I'm much too involved with the sighing.> M: I see you too. <U2 is in Michael's apartment? Where? Bono? You in here? Yoohoo! Oh, wait, you mean "you too", not U2, the Irish band.> Mi: No, no. You don't see me. <She doesn't see ... Oh my God, Michael thinks Maria's gone blind! Someone get him a Scooby snack, quick!> You know when Max and Liz would kiss and Liz would get the flashes <Yeah, and you know when you and Maria would kiss, I would get hot flashes? *g*> and when we would kiss, you didn't? <I did too get hot flashes!! Er, okay, that's not what it sounds like.> I know how much that hurt you. <Newsflash: CCSS just become a permanent Minnie-malady.> Michael's voice is breaking down. Tears fill his eyes. His chin starts to wobble. <My chin starts to wobble. My couch starts to wobble. Damn couch legs. ::plops down on the couch, clutches pillows and cries:: Damn, Brendan, you're really doing a good job in this scene.> M: That doesn't matter to me anymore, Michael. Mi: The reason you didn't get the flashes <Again, I reiterate, "Did too!" That's my story and I'm sticking to it like CCSS.> is because I didn't let you get them. I didn't let you see me. <::dramatic stance:: But why, Michael, why? ::wrings hands::> I've never let anyone see me before. <Awww, c'mere and lemme give you a hug. *sniffle*> Michael's voice is breaking down. Tears fill his eyes. His chin starts to wobble. <My chin starts to wobble. My couch starts to wobble. Damn couch legs. ::plops down on the couch, clutches pillows and cries:: Damn, Brendan, you're really doing a good job in this scene.> Mi: Because there are things inside of me that I didn't want people to see. <::crying unabashedly:: What *sniffle* didn't you *sniffle, hiccup* want *hiccup, cough, woops, coughing fit* her to *sniffle* see? > There's things inside of me that I'm not so proud of. <::blowing nose into hankie:: I *hiccup* am proud of you, Michael. I'll always *sniffle* be proud of you. ::tries to throw arms around Michael and hugs the side of TV instead::> But I've thought about it and I want you to see me. <::craaaaassshhhh:: That sound you just heard is the last remnants of Michael's stonewall ... it's crumbled to dust. Yup, it's gone, it's history ... say bye-bye to the wall now, people!> Take my hands. Maria gets flashes of Michael as a little kid <Awwww, I always liked Little Mikey>, leaving the pod, fighting with Hank <Get away from him, you already deceased-by-way-of-Nasedo's-hand bastard!>, finding Max and Isabel in the desert, and then flashes of their time together. <If there was ever any doubt that I loved M&M, these flashes quelled them.> M: Michael... <*sigh* That's his name alright.> Mi: There's something I have to tell... <You left your bike double-parked outside? Uh, no, that's not it. I know. You loooove her. C'mon, say it, Michael. You can do it.> Maria kisses Michael, interrupting him. <Awwww, nuts. She's always interrupting him. But in a good way, you know?> <> <The following sentence has permanently fried the portion of my brain labeled with the ability to think clearly.> Maria and Michael are lying in bed together. M: I think we just took a huge step in human-alien relations. <Hallelujah! Candy gods and goddesses, I kiss your feet. I bow down low to your greatness. I worship at the altar of your Candiness. I The nookie train has just pulled in! And it blew its top *giggle* rather convincingly.> I love you, Michael. <You know, that's the first time she's ever said it that plainly. And yes, the wait was worth it.> Mi: I love you too <*sniffle* The next sounds you will hear are the ramblings of my ghost. Because I just died of overt happiness.>... but I have to leave. <And my ghost just dropped to the floor in heap of WhatjutalkinboutWillis?> Max, Isabel, and Tess and I are going home. <La la la la la la, my ghost doesn't hear you. She forgot her hearing aid and is simply hearing showtunes that go La la la la la la la.> M: Yeah, I know. Like eventually, right? <No, like ... never! My ghost thinks never is a good time.> Mi: We're leaving in a few hours. <Damn hearing aids. Their warranties never last. My ghost could have sworn she heard Michael was leaving. ::pounds hearing aid on wooden table:: Damn thing. Where are the show tunes when you need them?> We have to, I have no choice. <Of course, you do. This is America. Land of choice ... and battered hearing aids.> I don't want to leave you. <Awwwwww, dammit my ghost can't take this angsty happiness.> But we both knew someday this would happen. <Wait, we knew the hearing aid was going to falter?> M: How much time do we have? <Well, the warranty on the thing says "guaranteed never to fail" but it's supposed to have all the time in the world but ... awwww nuts, you're really letting him go?> Mi: About an hour. <You mean like Lenscrafters? Wait, the ghost mixed up the physical aids.>
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