Realities of Roswell

This thread was started by Andy. He explains it below.


Hi folks,  The idea for this thread is to write one or more one-sentence statements about "Roswell" to build a list like the humorous "Top Ten Lists" on the TV show, "Late Night With David Letterman".  The Rules:  1. Each one-sentence statement should be true about the characters and story of "Roswell".  2. The statement should, ironically, also be true of our own lives. 3. Humorous statements are preferred. 4. In the interests of truth, irony or humor, sometimes _break_ one of the above rules!  5. But no statement should be about cast, crew, writers, network, etc. That belongs on the Roswell (2) board!  Ready? Do it!

Top Fifteen List of Realities of "Roswell"
15. "Roswell" does for UFOlogy what "Galaxy Quest" did for "Star Trek". 
14. The story is accompanied by well-chosen contemporary music. 
13. When lovers near the limit of the TV-PG rating, someone always barges in. 
12. The lower-middle class characters, unusual for a soap. 
11. The story is played straight, maximizing the dramatic tension. 
10. "Roswell" is the only TV teen soap-opera that asks the vital question, "Can a small-town girl find happiness with a boy from the wrong side of the ozone layer? 
9. Everyone is an outsider, even the Sheriff. 
8. You just CAN'T talk with your folks about IT. 
7. No one has a mentor. 
6. Teen-Boys-Are-Aliens Department: Liz and Maria can empathize with the love and caution of Max, and the visions and desperation of Michael, but they can't know the extent of the "aliens’" ambition and paranoia, or the "aliens’" feelings of rejection, here perfectly disguised as haunted overachiever Isabel and outsider Tess. 
5. Teen-Girls-Are-Aliens Department: Alex and Kyle can understand the fears and success-hunger of Isabel, and the ruthless mating-drive of Tess, but they can't know the extent of the "aliens’" depression and loneliness, or the "aliens’" need for a home of there own, here perfectly disguised as quiet, hesitant Max and rebellious Michael. 
4. There will be a dangerous guy in her life. 
3. There will be an attractive gal in his life. 
2. Neither homework nor grades nor teacher nor glower of parent stays these teenagers from the swift consummation of their anointed roundelays.                                     
1. Best of all, like George Lucas, the writers know mythologist Joseph Campbell's theory of the Monomyth, the universal, timeless allegory of the passage from childhood through adolescence to maturity. Campbell's "The Hero's Journey" reveals the similarity of themes in myths such as Gilgamesh, Jason, and Robin Hood, and in modern stories such as "Dances With Wolves" and "The Wizard of Oz".  Here, instead of spirited Luke Skywalker or clever Odysseus, there is intellectual-girl Liz Parker (luminous Shiri Appleby), a female Ulysses encountering powerful Persons:  her emotion-savvy Animal-Self Maria (cutie Majandra Delfino), a natural survivor-type in the Magic Land,  her insecure Shadow-Self Isabel (beauty Katherine Heigl), a hotheaded Scylla who wants To-Have-It-All,  her hardened Loveless-Self Tess (Aussie-babe Emilie De Ravin), a coldblooded Charybdis who wants to live in the past,  the many faces of the Teen Boy: repressed do-gooder Max, defensive loner Michael, naive technogeek Alex, wounded earthy-guy Kyle, aggressive loser Sean,  the Jealous-Father Valenti, suspicious that an "alien" has touched the maiden,  the Alien-Mother (Genie Francis, uncredited), a Spenserian "Faerie Queene" who is the teens' Lawgiver in the Magic Land,  and Liz's Unconscious (the "Nasedo" actors), a shape-shifting Proteus, who, if grasped, shall answer her questions.*   *Note: The writers, as Joseph Campbell did, repeat mythologist Carl Jung's erroneous assertion that each person's Unconscious is of the opposite gender, an error common to the poetic personality-type.                               





1. Who doesn't have Buddha in their life? 
2. Vans are recommended for carrying 6 people who are escaping the FBI 





Episode recaps! They have morals for each show similar to these. Some from there are (can you guess which episode’s they are from?): 

  1. If you set the one you love free, they'll fall for someone else 
  2. When an alien guy tells you there's nothing between him and a girl, don't believe him 
  3. Always tell people how you really feel about them before an evil alien makes them disappear 
  4. Aliens or not, boys will be boys: peeking at women half-dressed. 
  5. If your best friends ex-boyfriend is dressed like a retard and tries to make out with you, it's ok to laugh it off and not tell anyone 
  6. Even if you live in the sewers, you can still have a Cube iMac with a flat-screen 
  7. Girls like bumpers, but they also like pearls 
  8. If you put a square glass box on your head, don't forget to hook up the oxygen tanks. 
  9. If you want someone to stop looking for you, hide in their closet 
  10. You can miss school to save a planet 
  11. Snow makes death all better 
  12. Roswell : the town where windows equal doors. 
  13. Apparently there is an alien law that a blonde must say "What do we do now, Max?" 
  14. Listening to your cheating, lying, alien ex will only lead you to a jail sentence  
  15. 3rd grade cafeterias don't accept food stamps or lip from "welfare punks" 
  16. You should always keep guns in every possible place in the house. 
  17. Protecting your child is a good excuse for murdering 16 people.

Obsessed Fan                                 


  1. The old Sheriff knows what the Teen Boy wants; the Teen Boy doesn't know what the old Sheriff thinks. 
  2. When you've Left Normal, like Liz and Lancelot, and you are walking through the Land of Image, and you possess a great Power, you have to find an Alien-Mother or a King Arthur to teach you the Rules of using the Power.  
  3. Italian food always leads to more than just dinner.
  4. Roswell--as with life--is ironic, troublesome, full of questions, confusion, absurdity, bloops, laughs, sweetness.




I didn't think that anyone would understand a few of these, so some of them have the names of the eppys they're from next 2 them. 

1. When u and ur b/f disappear 4 the night, just tell ur parents that u were out in the desert digging stuff up. (Sexual Healing)  
2. Past lives just get in the way.  
3. Artifical Christmas trees are good 4 drying socks. (The Miracle)  

  1. Every high school needs an eraser room.  
  2. The best characters are always the ones to die. 

New Fan                                         




5. Ratings are so bad, not even a cheap brand name can be duplicated. (Meaty Man AKA Hungry Man)
4. Just to boost ratings, an FBI agents is killed every season.
3. This is a family show so no violence. Only green goo that comes out of hands and kills people.
2. Liz Parker only takes an interest in her diary when the story needs summarized.
1. Michael wears a wallet chain even with a suit.





1. When your ex-alien boyfriend comes to take you back just push him into a mysterious portal. He'll know better than to try and take you back again.
2. Always be packed so you can pick up and move at a drop of a hat.
3. Always keep extra military uniforms in your girlfriend’s room. You never know when you'll have to break into a government facility.
4. Whenever you have an alien with you, bring a gun. You never know when their powers won't work.
5. Men aren't from Mars they're from Antar, but so are the women. No wonder they're messed up.
6. When hiring Alien painters make sure they know the same color schemes.
7. When your friends with an alien you don't have to go to the jewelry store or worry about money again, just keep plenty of coal around.
8. With the help of "Mindwarps-are-Tess" you'll never have to worry about co-workers thinking your late for work agian. For a limited time only.





1. The extremely cute guys are always interested in the sadistic mindwarping chick (no eatting me...I'm a Rebounder but...come on! It *is* true)




5. The best couples are the one's you never actually see on Roswell, but you know what's there. (Go UC)
4. Secrets must be yelled to the person you are telling them too, even if the person standing next to you. No one can hear well in Roswell.
3. Parents never take an interest till your senior year.
2. Your age is always subject for debate.
1. When your boyfriend tells you, he had a whole other life before you, he isn't kidding.






LOL!  I especially like the Season3-related statements you folks have made! They inspired me to do this one:

1. AFTER you marry one of them, you find out that they're half-alien!






Here's a couple of proper one-liners that I mined from my previous one-page  post:

1. Everyone has to go on "The Hero's Journey", even "the smallest of small-town girls".

  1. Everyone is Ulysses, even that wide-eyed girl!

3. You need your Animal-Self person with you to survive your journey through the Magic Land.






10. Green alien force fields work better than the one's on Star Trek
9. Maria has a knack for screaming at aliens a lot
8. Liz has a tendency to end up in the "the guy's after you so run and act like a dumb teen" scenario
7. Only an old not so good OBVIOUS blue van will rescue you from the FBI
6. Only a respected lawyer would have so many questionable friends that would help the aliens!
5. If Max dies, just make a new one!
4. Special note: If an alien under control by a human tries to kill you, try blocking the door with a small light mattress, and run to the window!
3. The cool aliens always die, unless they pop up in the title credits.
2. LOOK OUT IT'S A SKIN! AAHHH!!!!!! Just kidding! Just a Tess mind warp! WHAT? TESS IS ALIVE? AAAHHH!!!!!!
1. Your parents just think you're a normal teen, even when black helicopters fly over your house, your old girlfriend returns with your baby, and even when they tape Isabel making stuff fly around her old room! They believe your sister & NOT you! UGH, such teen angst! LOL


the Traveler




This is one I heard some time ago here over on the CHADS thread. It still cracks me up to this day:

"Because she introduces herself to her own diary"





1. So what brand of charcol makes the best diamonds?
2. Recommended that at graduation, sit more towards the back corner
3. Italian food always leads to more than just dinner
4. Don't audition for any ad you see in a casino
5. All said and done, I believe the show taught me to never work at the Cheese Factory
6. There are always raves going on in the old soap factory
7. Seems teen sex is all right cause they are not even in college, and there are hardly any virgins left on the show.
8. Know where I can find the closest marachi band?
9. Signs of tapping....well u know what that means
10. Mud is a very good way to turn off a guy..or even a girl




10. People in Roswell like to redecorate a lot...even ageless ton-weight rock formations out in the desert.
9. Beware of Blind Dates!
8. Some guys just don't know their left hand from their right (2 in Roswell as a matter of fact).
7. Guys, tsk tsk...vowing eternal love to one girl, then choosing another just because she claims to know your "destiny?"
6. Take singing lessons from Maria.
5. When I think of season 2 and #1 of season 3, I think "mud"...Michael is pretty and smart.
4. Forgetfulness runs rampant through Roswell...maybe they needed boxes of Post-It note paper instead of our postcard campaigns...then maybe we'd still have our Roswell!
3. Blood mixed with katsup takes stains out of garments.
2. Michael has 2 jobs to make ends meet.
1. Roswell--as with life--is ironic, troublesome, full of questions, confusion, absurdity, bloops, laughs, sweetness


What a show!!! It is missed.


I'm awed at the humor and the irony of the posts by you guys!

1. The Intellectual-Self and the Animal-Self have to stay buddies to "move forward" and "make our own destiny".
2. They have to get past their insecure Shadow-Self (who is obsessed with hopes and fears about the future) or they'll be distracted from their True Path.
3. They have to get past their hardened Loveless-Self (who is obsessed with the good and bad events of the past) or they'll get stuck repeating the past.
4. They CAN get past their Shadow-Self and their Loveless-Self but they'll suffer some casualties along the way.




I only have one but oh well. 

If a fight breaks out at your job and you are shot and somehow proceed to live, return to work bc they might need ya. 



i have one finally...its sorta dumb but it's so true

Roswell: where even the jeep can get killed off.

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