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Living the Lie
Dream from 1/23/01 Maria, Michael, Alex and Isabel had gone on a vacation together but they hadn’t called to tell us where they were staying. Max came to me desperate to find them because there was some kind of danger coming and we had to warn them. Max told me he knew the city where they were staying but not the hotel and he wanted me to come with him to help look. I wanted desperately to help him but I remembered the speech I had given him, "I don't want to die for you," and I knew that I had to refuse to go with him or he might suspect the truth. It was vitally important to keep up the deception and my actions had to mirror what I had said or he would never believe. It would be too dangerous for everyone if I did what I wanted to do, which was fall at Max’s feet, tell him the truth and beg for his forgiveness. But I couldn’t be responsible for everyone’s deaths. So I told Max l would help by calling all of the hotels in the city and then I would call him. He seemed disappointed but he agreed and thanked me for helping. I wanted to cry that Max felt he had to thank me. I would do anything to help him, I would die for him. I would do anything for him, including giving him up. Somehow I knew that I would be able to sense when Michael, Isabel and the others were near and I didn’t know if Max would be able to find them himself. I went into the back room where Nasedo was waiting in the guise of a woman. He had been listening to everything that Max and I said. I suggested to Nasedo that we should follow Max to make sure he was able to find Michael and the others. I had told Nasedo everything about future Max and he agreed with my plan of action. He would drive his car so Max would not recognize it and we would help Max any way possible. When Max drove out of town, I was in a car right behind him with Nasedo. We followed him everywhere he went, driving up and down the streets. I watched Max get out at various hotels and go to the office, only to come away disappointed. Place after place he went and I would catch a short glimpse of him walking from the car to the building. It was never a long enough look and I knew that it would never be long enough again. I had to stay away from Max no matter how much I wanted to be with him. But I would never tire of watching him from afar. I watched his dark head through his car window, as we followed behind him on the road; the head that used to stay so close to mine. I watched his easy stride as he walked into the hotels and back to the car; the stride that use to bring him to me. I watched his strong arms as he opened and closed the doors; the arms that used to hold me so close. I felt a single tear fall on my cheek but I had to be strong, for him, for all of us. We arrived at a motel and I could sense immediately that Michael and the others were inside. I told Nasedo they were there and we felt confident that Max would find them but we stayed to make sure. We saw Max walk up to the manager's office, talk to the clerk and walk back toward his car. I realized Max was leaving and I didn't know what to do. Michael, Maria and the others were in the hotel and Max had missed them. Max got into his Jeep and started it, intending to back out of the space. Nasedo gunned the engine, raced across the parking lot and screeched to a halt right in front of Max's car, blocking him in. I ducked down in the seat so Max wouldn’t see me. Nasedo said I should go and tell Max that they were at the motel. It was very important that he find them and if they were killed, the future I was trying to protect wouldn’t matter. I knew as soon as Max saw me he would not believe the lies I had told him but Nasedo was right. I got out of the car and quickly walked over to Max. As I came around the side of the car, he saw me and got out of his car, very surprised I was there. He asked me what I was doing there and I told him the truth, I had decided to come because I thought I would be able to sense them and I couldn’t let any of them be hurt. I told him I knew they were staying in this motel. I could feel it. He smiled and rubbed his hand down my arm sending shivers through me. He said, "You’ve put yourself in danger coming here." I tried to salvage the lie, telling him that I really didn't think I was in danger, but I could see he didn't believe me. He looked into my eyes with such intensity that I knew the feelings between us had never died. We just stood there looking at one another, reveling in the closeness. It was not long enough though because Nasedo honked the horn, bringing us back to reality. For some reason the hotel manager had lied to Max when he asked for the gang. So we agreed that he would go room to room searching for them while I tried to search the hotel office to see if I could find them. He told me to leave the office immediately if I sensed there was any danger. I told him I would, but I lied. I would face anything to make sure he was safe. I watched him walk down the corridor toward the rooms before I turned to the office. I knocked but there was no answer. I let myself in and started searching through the papers and the files. There were stacks of papers everywhere but I couldn’t find a ledger or any receipts anywhere. Outside I could hear footsteps and knew someone coming but I kept looking. I had just managed to go through the last stack of papers when the manager came in. He asked if he could help me and I inquired about the room rates. He gave me a brochure and led me out of the office. I told him that I was supposed to meet some friends there, described Michael, Isabel and the others and asked if he remembered them. He said that he didn’t remember them and maybe they had decided on another hotel. I thanked him and went to find Max. I looked down one side of the motel walkway and I couldn’t see Max so I went around to the other side to look for him. I noticed that there was a mall across the street and suddenly I knew that the gang was inside. I ran around the side of the building and got Max's attention. He came toward me and I explained my "feeling" about the mall. We decided to start searching at opposite ends and meet in the middle. I took the end with the food court, just having a feeling that they would be there. I walked into the mall and I could sense them immediately. The gang was close but there were so many people, and the food court was so large, that I couldn't see them. There were two levels with what seemed like hundreds of food stalls encircling a hugh courtyard, complete with trees and umbrellas on the tables. I quickly scanned each face in the crowd for my friends but there were so many people. I thought I might be able to sense them when I was close to them so I walked through the crowd. But there were just too many people in the way, too much noise. I decided that maybe if I could just clear my mind of the fear and confusion I would be able to "feel" them more easily. I stood close to one of the trees, out of the traffic, and willed myself to calm down. I took deep breaths and closed my eyes. I willed my body to relax and I focused on feeling my friends. The noise around me gradually faded into the background and I could feel myself starting to float. Suddenly I was outside of my body, circling it, rising high above the crowd. I could feel my friends close and I let myself float toward their energy. And finally I saw them. They were sitting together eating and they were safe. Just as I was willing myself to return to my body, I was snapped awake by someone shaking my arm. It was Max. I heard him calling my name over and over but it seemed to be coming from a distance. I noticed that everything around me was unfocused and I closed my eyes to try to clear my vision. I was unstable on my feet, started to sway and I felt a steadying arm around me. I turned to look at him and he pulled me to him. Max said that he had come up behind me calling my name but I had not responded and it had scared him. He said that I had a blank look on my face, my eyes were unfocused and he had tried shaking me to bring me out of it. He demanded to know if I was all right and what had happened. I held on to him, still slightly unsteady, and told him that I had just tried to focus on the gang to "feel" where they were and I had somehow left my body. He looked at me uncertainly and let out a worried breath. I told him I was okay and I had found them and started pulling him in the direction I had last seen them. He stopped me and said that he was glad that I had found them but he thought I should sit down for a few minutes. I told him I felt fine and smiled just to let him know it was alright. I told him that we should go and find them before they left. He looked into my face, searching for any sign of illness and when he did not see any he agreed. Max kept his arm around me as we walked toward where I had seen the gang sitting. He brought me close to him, fitting me into his side and the warmth of his body poured into me. He leaned toward me and talked very softly so only I could hear him. He said that he had been so scared when I had not responded to him. He hadn’t known what was wrong or what he should do. I could feel his breath on my ear and his loving words sent shivers through me. He told me that he never wanted me to try it again unless someone was with me, preferable him because it left me too vulnerable. I felt my heart jump knowing he was still in love with me and he cared so much about my safety. I told him that I hadn’t tried to project out of my body and I had no idea that it would happen. But I agreed that I would only do it when someone was there with me. We walked through the crowd to where I had seen the others and they were still there. They were surprised to see us there and together. I could see the look of confusion on Maria's face. Max told them why we were there, of the danger, and we agreed to leave as soon as they were packed. Then Michael asked how we found them. Max told them it was me that had "felt" their presence in the hotel and then the mall. He also told them how when I concentrated on them I left my body and was able to come right to them. I looked around at each of them. The gang looked incredulous and Max just looked proud. They all started asking questions at the same time. How did I do it? How did I know I could do it? What other powers did I have? I just looked at Max standing beside me with his hand in mine. I didn't know the answers to any of their questions yet, but I knew they would come eventually. And the best part is that Max and I would be discovering them together. |
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