Queen of Pain Part 20 - RoswellOracle Fanfiction


Part 20


Over the next month they fell into an easy routine. Every day, Zan would come over early and make sure she ate before they went for a walk or run. After their exercise he would take her different places like the beach, or stores or other places they liked, or for a ride in one of his cars.

Liz really wasn’t sure how she’d let herself be coaxed into spending so much time with him. It just seemed to happen.

Just as she’d promised herself, she had repeatedly turned down his invitations, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. She tried to stay away from him, not let him into her life, but he wouldn’t go away. Finally she would just find it easier to relent than to keep fighting against his iron will.

At first she worried that he would try to get her into bed, but he hadn’t done or said anything or tried to touch her like he had on New Year’s Eve.

It was like that night had never happened and she found herself relaxing into spending time with him. He had backed off just like he’d said he would, and she was surprised that she was disappointed about it. She just had to keep reminding herself that she didn’t want anything but friendship from him.

And it wasn’t easy.

At the strangest times she’d realize she was staring at him, looking at his strong body, wanting it. Wanting him.

And she saw him looking at her too, his gaze tracing every inch of her as if he could see through her clothes. The flame that ignited in his eyes when he looked her that way instantly charged her with desire.

She had to tell herself over and over again why she wasn’t going to get involved with him, even though it was obvious how much he wanted her too.

He was dangerous.

He flirted with her outrageously, lavishing her with compliments, and though he hadn’t touched her sexually, he had touched her.

It seemed like he touched her every chance he got. He held her hand, or skimmed over her shoulder, or put his hand against the small of her back. He would stand close to her, letting her feel the heat of his body, the brush of his breath on her skin.

She knew that his every touch marked his supposed possession of her, and at first she had shied away like a frightened deer. But each time he touched her, she became a little more used to it until she’d started craving his hands on her.

But that scared her too. He was systematically wearing down her defenses.

And she was letting him.

He was dangerous.

She was becoming more and more aware of him. She looked forward to him coming over each day. He was smart and funny and they actually had a lot in common. She liked spending time with him.

She had to keep reminding herself why she would never get involved with anyone again. She was so afraid of letting herself love someone and having it all taken away again.

It was easier to keep Zan at an emotional distance, but it was getting harder to keep him at a physical distance. If he had been pushing to get her in bed, she probably would have already given in to him, but what he was doing was more insidious than that.

He was biding him time, inserting himself into her life more and more. He was subtly letting her know he would always be there, that she could depend on him, trust him. He was becoming not only an object of desire, but a really good friend.

He was dangerous.


Liz woke up, stretching and feeling fully rested.

She wasn’t plagued by the terrible, guilty dreams of Max like she had been for so long. Now if she did dream of him it was sad but it didn’t consume her like it used to.

She was able to think of Max and remember the things they had shared and the love between them without the overwhelming sadness engulfing her.

And she realized that she was beginning to let Max go.

It wasn’t like she would ever forget him or anything that had happened, but she was letting his memory naturally take a place in the past. And it made her feel so guilty. How could her feelings for him just fade? If he’d been with her she knew her feelings would only have grown deeper and richer.

But, a voice inside her said, he isn’t with you, and he never will be again.

She also realized that letting him go seemed to be one of the defining characteristics of their time together.

She had let him go so many times. Their relationship had even started with her letting him go.

After he’d saved her life and revealed his secret to her, she’d wanted to be with him, but he’d told her they couldn’t, so she let him go.

She had let him go when he’d taken a step back, even thought it was the last thing she wanted.

She had let him go when he got drunk and told her all the things she wanted to hear, but then didn’t remember when he sobered up.

She’d let him go in the cave when they’d heard the message from his mother, even though they had finally expressed their love to each other the night before.

She had let him go every day when she’d come from Florida and he repeatedly begged her to come back to him.

She’d let him go when Future Max had come.

She’d let him to go when he went to New York, knowing he might never return.

She had let him go in Vegas even after he told her about his vision of them getting married, and they’d spent the perfect night dancing in each others’ arms.

She had let him go at the prom even though it was killing her.

And she had let him go on his last night on Earth to be with his wife and child, even after they had shared the most perfect expression of love, and exchanged promises of eternal love.

Yes, she had let him go so many times, stayed strong for him even though it broke her heart over and over again, but this would be the last time.

She would always love Max and be thankful for the time they had spent together, but she knew his memory wouldn’t be a constant source of pain. Now she could cherish her memories of Max and the love they shared.

And she knew that she had Zan to thank for that. If he hadn’t made her talk about what happened and made her face her grief she would still be living in that same hell.

He really was a good friend.

But he wanted more than friendship.

He was dangerous.

She wasn’t sure what to do with him. She was afraid to let him any closer, and she was afraid of losing him. She just wanted things to stay the same between them.

But did she?

Every time she looked at him or thought about him she felt that rush of wanting. She just had to work on her willpower. She had to ignore his ripped body and handsome face. She had to ignore how he made her feel.

The door bell rang and her heart started pounding. There was no mistaking who it was even if she couldn’t feel him.

With a wave of her hand, she dressed herself and then rushed to see him.

She opened the door and her breath was taken away. Zan wore a close-fitting tank that showed off his sculpted arms and torso to perfection.

A shiver of desire shook her body, and she swallowed hard, her mouth suddenly dry. She’d tried to block out how beautiful he was, but it had all just come rushing back to her. Damn, he was ripped!

She often wondered if he wore what he did because he knew it drove her crazy. She wouldn’t be surprised if he did.

It seemed almost impossible to drag her eyes away from his muscles, but when she finally did she met his gaze and that was just as dangerous. His eyes burned with the certain knowledge of what the sight of his body did to her and how much he knew she wanted him.

A smile lifted one corner of his mouth. “Are you ready, princess?” he rasped.

“What?” she gasped.

Her thoughts automatically turned to sex. Was he asking if she was ready for him? She had a throbbing low in her body that ached to be filled, but he couldn’t know. Could he?

His eyes skimmed over her body, lingering on her breasts and sex, and she felt another rush of desire.

Meeting her eyes again, he winked. “Are you ready for our run?”

Relief and something that felt like disappointment filled her.

Stupid, she called herself. She had to get over wanting him.

As they walked across the street toward the park, Liz tried to keep her eyes off Zan, but she couldn’t. Up close she could see how big he was, how strong. She swallowed hard and resolutely looked away. She couldn’t let her lust take over.

She was determined to put his beautiful body out of her mind and just have a good run. But she could imagine his hard body against hers.

Actually she didn’t have to imagine, she knew what it felt like to have him pressed against her. He was hard, and warm, and felt like heaven.

As they started to run she tried her best to stop thinking about him, but she couldn’t seem to do it. Her thoughts went from being held by him to being touched, caressed, and then being taken. The feelings of wanting became overwhelming, as she continued to take quick glances of him running next to her. It was so easy to imagine his straining muscles working to a rhythm that was concentrated not on running, but on pleasing her by bringing their bodies together again and again.

His strong arms would hold her tightly against his hard body as he devoured her mouth. He would use a muscular thigh to part hers, making a place for himself. And he would use that same driving rhythm to thrust into her, taking away her breath as he built the pleasure inside her until she exploded.

And before she knew it they were crossing the road back to her apartment.

She was confused for a moment, but realized that she had been so focused on Zan that she couldn’t remember the run at all. But her body ached from the physical exercise, and the wanting.

Zan opened her door with a motion of his hand and they went inside, but instead of continuing into the kitchen like he usually did, he took her in his arms, making her shudder in reaction. He held her loosely for a moment, his hands resting on her hips as his gaze met hers. He smiled gently and slowly drew her body against his.

Instantly Liz melted into him, her arms sliding around his waist, her overwhelming feelings of desire overruling any thoughts of resistance.

“You feel so good,” he rumbled in her ear.

Burying her head in his chest, she answered almost against her will. “So do you,” she whispered. It was the closest she’d come to admitting aloud that she wanted him and it made her shiver with fear at what it meant for their relationship.

She stiffened slightly in his arms, expecting Zan to take advantage of the situation but he just held her. One of his hands settled in the small of her back and the other lightly stroked her back and arms, and after a moment she relaxed against him without knowing it.

She was so worried about letting him hold her that it took her a moment to realize his thick erection rested against her. But the sensation of him so ready for her almost made her dizzy with lust and all she wanted to do was rip off his clothes and take him inside her. She needed him so much, but she was scared for so many different reasons. Not the least of which was she couldn’t help thinking that being with Zan would somehow be a betrayal of Max.

She was so confused.

Her whole body pulsed with want for him.

Her nipples were hardened to tight points, making her breasts feel extra sensitive. Moisture that had nothing to do with her exercise was gathered between her thighs, and her pussy was aching to be filled. Shivers of reaction ripped through her at the thought of being with him with nothing between them, skin to skin, his hands and lips touching every inch of her.

She wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, but Zan finally spoke. “We should go out and have some fun tonight.”

His words took a minute to sink into her fuzzy brain. She had to pull herself away from thoughts of sex and concentrate what he was saying.

At first she was alarmed that he was asking her on a date and her body stiffened, but the way he said it seemed more like friends hanging out. “Okay,” she agreed, relaxing again.

She thought she felt him release a breath of relief, but realized she must be mistaken. He couldn’t possibly care that much.

His arms loosened and he pulled back enough to meet her eyes. “Why don’t you take a shower, princess,” he suggested, “and I’ll start breakfast.”


Liz took a quick shower and then finished preparing breakfast while Zan showered, and they bantered as they ate.

He didn’t mention their plans for the night throughout the meal or when they were cleaning up, and finally as he turned for the door she asked him. “So where are we going tonight?”

Turning toward her, he smiled. “It’s a surprise.”

“But what should I wear?” she persisted.

He shrugged, “Anything you feel comfortable in.”

“But, --” she started, only to be cut off as he held up a hand.

“That’s all I am telling you,” he said with a wink. “I’ll be here at seven.”


Like most days after Zan left, Liz headed to her bedroom to relieve some of her frustration.

She took out the vibrator he had given her and stripped off her clothes, laying on the bed.

She smoothed her palms over her hard nipples, imagining they were Zan’s hands. She moved lower on her body, stroking over her clit several times, making her already aroused body arch into her touch.

Plunging the vibrator inside, she imagined Zan above her, filling her with a single powerful thrust.

Continuing the fantasy she’d started when they were running, she imagined Zan’s body pressed to hers, the two of them working together to give each other pleasure. It only took a few minutes to bring on a climax, but one was never enough.

With a swipe of her hand, she anchored the vibrator to the bed and imagined herself mounting Zan as she sank down on it. She started a quick rhythm and turned the vibrator on, the powerful pulses arousing her even more as she rode it to two more incredible orgasms.

Collapsing on the bed, she worked to catch her breath.

When she had first started using the vibrator, she’d pictured the anonymous men fucking her that she’d had picked up in clubs. But sometime in the last couple of months she’d starting picturing Zan, and now he was the only one that she could see.

It worried her that she only seemed to be attracted to him. She wondered if it meant she was developing feelings for him, but she pushed aside her troubled thoughts. Surely, she assured herself, it was just because she was with him so much and because they hadn’t slept together. Surely if she finally had him, she could move on.

But just thinking of him aroused her again, and with a smile, she rolled over on her back, and slammed the vibrator back inside.


Since Liz didn’t know where Zan was taking her, she chose a casual deep blue dress with lacy details. It left her arms bare and nipped in at the waist before flaring out gently in flirty layers that ended above her knee. She’d finished the outfit with a small black purse and black low-heeled ankle boots. She knew she looked good in it and that Zan would like it, but she told herself that was not the reason she wore it. She didn’t care if Zan thought she was beautiful or not. Did she?

She had just put in her earrings when she heard the knock at the door. Her heart leapt and she felt excited like it really was a date.

Telling herself to calm down, she forced herself to go slowly to the door, but when she opened it, her heart started pounding again.

It just wasn’t fair how damn sexy Zan was. How was a girl supposed to stop wanting him?

He was actually a bit more dressed up than she was used to seeing him. He wore a striped bowling shirt with black jeans. The shirt was dark red and black with a tiny gray diamond pattern along the row of buttons. His beard was freshly trimmed so it was just a hint of a shadow that outlined his strong jaw.

The colors in the shirt made is eyes glow gold, or maybe it was the hunger she could see as he looked at her.

He took his time, his gaze skimming slowly over every inch of her before returning to her face. “You look beautiful,” he rasped.

She felt herself blush. “Thanks,” she said, her mouth suddenly dry. “You look pretty good yourself.”

With a smile he held out his hand. She didn’t hesitate in taking it and he led her to the car.

She didn’t recognize where they were headed but eventually she saw the coast. And she was surprised but pleased when Zan pulled up to a large building that said aquarium.

“Oh,” she gasped, “I didn’t know there was an aquarium.”

Zan smiled. “Well I know how much you like the wildlife at the ocean, so I thought you’d like to come here.”

She smiled back at him. “Thank you, this is great.”

He took her hand as they walked toward the building. “And they have more than fish, there is a frog exhibit, otters, and a parrot room.”

Once they were inside Liz excitedly pulled Zan from place to place, loving every moment.

They visited every exhibit and Liz was surprised how patient Zan was with her. She wanted to read every plaque and linger at each tank. Several times she looked to see if he was bored, but he had a genuine smile on his face. He was enjoying it as much as she was. He held her hand or stood close behind her, rubbing her arms.

When they had seen everything, Liz wanted to go back to some of her favorites, but she hesitated, not wanted to bore Zan.

He wrapped his arms around her from behind, kissing the top of her head. “Go and see what you want to see, princess.”

She should have known he would feel what she wanted, and with a laugh she took his hand and led him back to the seahorse exhibit.

They didn’t leave until closing and Liz was still smiling.

She wrapped her arm around Zan’s and leaned into him. “Thank you so much for bringing me here.”

He slid his hand into hers, interlacing their fingers, as he kissed her temple. “Anything for you, princess.”

They drove to the beach and Zan put the convertible top down. They had tacos from a food cart for a late dinner while they watched the waves come in. Then Zan held out his hand to her. “Would you dance with me?”

With a laugh she put her hand in his. He turned up the radio as they got out of the car, and he wrapped her in his arms, holding her body against his. The song was slow and they swayed together.

Am I out of my head?
Am I out of my mind?
If you only knew the bad things I like
Don't think that I can explain it
What can I say, it's complicated
Don't matter what you say
Don't matter what you do
I only wanna do bad things to you
So good, that you can't explain it
What can I say, it's complicated

Liz agreed silently with the song, whatever it was between her and Zan was nothing if not complicated. And it seemed like when they were together, all she could think of was the ‘bad’ things she wanted to do with him.

Nothing's that bad
If it feels good
So you come back
Like I knew you would
And we're both wild
And the night's young
And you're my drug
Breathe you in 'til my face numb
Drop it down to that bass drum

Zan was like a drug to her. She craved everything about him. With a deep breath, she drew his unique scent in. She would know him anywhere, and just the sexy smell of him was enough to make her wet.

I got what you dream 'bout
Nails scratchin' my back tatt
Eyes closed while you scream out
And you keep me in with those hips
While my teeth sink in those lips
While your body's giving me life
And you suffocate in my kiss

Oh shit, it was exactly what she wanted with Zan, to lose herself in him, to give him pleasure as he gave it to her. It was almost torture as she felt him against her and listened to her thoughts echoed in the song.

They’d never even kissed. She craved his lips on hers almost as much as she wanted him inside her.

She just wanted everything about him.

Then you said I want you forever
Even when we're not together
Scars on my body so I can take you wherever like,
I want you forever
Even when we're not together
Scars on my body I can look at you whenever

Am I out of my head?
Am I out of my mind?
If you only knew the bad things I like
Don't think that I can explain it
What can I say, it's complicated
Don't matter what you say
Don't matter what you do
I only wanna do bad things to you
So good, that you can't explain it
What can I say, it's complicated

Zan knew all of her scars, knew the terrible things she had done just to survive and he still wanted her. Maybe they were both crazy. Or maybe there were just two damaged people who had found something in each other.

Forever was exactly what she wanted, but she was too scared to believe in it anymore. That was why she couldn’t let herself feel. Nothing was forever.

I can't explain it
I love the pain
And I love the way your breath
Numbs me of novacaine
And we are
Always high
Keep it strange
Okay, yeah, I'm insane
But you the same
Let me paint the picture
Couch by the kitchen
Nothin' but your heels on
Losin' our religion
You're my pretty little vixen
And I'm the voice inside your head
That keeps telling you to listen to all the bad things I say

Zan was her drug, helping her get over her grief, making her crave nothing but him. And she thought if she ever actually had him that she would never get enough.

She was slowly going insane with wanting him. She wanted nothing more than for him to sink inside her and she would wrap her legs around him while he fucked her senseless.

The way we love, is so unique
And when we touch, I'm shivering
And no one has to get it
Just you and me
'Cause we're just living
Between the sheets

I want you forever
Even when we're not together
Scars on my body so I can take you wherever like,
I want you forever
Even when we're not together
Scars on my body I can look at you whenever

Am I out of my head?
Am I out of my mind?
If you only knew the bad things I like
Don't think that I can explain it
What can I say, it's complicated
Don't matter what you say
Don't matter what you do
I only wanna do bad things to you
So good, that you can't explain it
What can I say, it's complicated

Suddenly she stopped her swirling thoughts.

If she couldn’t stop thinking about having him, maybe she shouldn’t. It didn’t have to be complicated, did it? Maybe she should just sleep with him to get him out of her system.

It didn’t have to mean anything other than she wanted him. It didn’t have to mean that they were together or that she had feelings for him. Because she didn’t have romantic feelings for him, and she certainly didn’t love him.

If she fucked him, her desire for him would be slaked and she could stop thinking about him.

If she fucked him, maybe he would leave her alone.

He’d said that she belonged to him, but what did he really mean? Maybe once he had her, he’d get bored and leave.

A shiver when through her and she felt a little sick with the thought. But that is what she wanted, wasn’t it?



And thanks to Dreaming in Purple for the song used in this part.

Queen of Pain
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