Roswell University Everything I need to know I learned from watching Roswell, right? Well, maybe I need to know a few more things, but here's where I will post all the things we can learn from watching Roswell. This is all in good fun, kinda like those "All I ever need to know I learned from Star Trek" posters. ~When you point your finger up in the air to show where you are from, it can mean up north, Canada, and outer space. (Pilot/Heatwave) ~Silver handprints fade after a couple of days. (Pilot) ~You shouldn't show fake alien pictures to the tourists. (Pilot) ~For an alien to heal you, you have to look at them. (Pilot) ~Police need better descriptions of perps than "muscular Beavis" and "beefy Butthead." (Pilot) ~If we had alien powers we could listen to CDs by holding them up to our ears or by waving our hands over them. (Pilot/Max in the City) ~Czechoslovakians have these incredibly soulful eyes... (Morning After) ~The sum of the angles in a triangle is 180 degrees, not 360 degress. (Morning After) ~The Eraser Room does two things - It cleans erasers and it takes our innocence! (Morning After) ~Czechoslovakia has not existed for over ten years. (Morning After) ~Some people are just pigs. (Monsters) ~If a relationship isn't complicated, you aren't with your soulmate. (Leaving Normal) ~When you follow your heart, you leave normal. (Leaving Normal) ~The bigger your world gets the bigger your problems get. (Missing) ~Watching The View keeps guys in touch with their feminine side. (285 South) ~Musicians get all the ladies. (Blood Brothers) ~Vibrators are people who communicate by sending vibes off into the atmosphere. (River Dog) ~Aliens like sweet mixed with spicy. (River Dog) ~Aliens never need more than one bottle of nail polish at a time. (Heat Wave) ~Slugs can be gay. {Max said it, not me!!!} (Heat Wave) ~A possible purpose for aliens coming to earth is to wipe out the world, one annoying teenager at a time. (The Balance) ~Being in love is when you can be your happiest and your saddest all at one time. (The Balance) ~Adults are the enemy. (Toy House) ~Echinacea is good for colds. (Into the Woods) ~In poker, two pair beats a full house. (Into the Woods) ~To get over someone, think about mud. (The Convention) ~What's so great about normal? (Blind Date) ~This is your brain on Max... (Independence Day) ~Opposites attract. (Independence Day) ~Everybody's got red sneakers. (Sexual Healing) ~Women like surprises. (Crazy) ~Roswell attracts all kinds. (Crazy) ~Bubble bath is a better gift than shampoo/conditioner in one. (Crazy) ~Before you can expect someone to trust you, you have to trust them first. (Tess, Lies, and Videotape) ~There are signs all around you. (Four Square) ~You are who you choose to be. (Four Square) ~There's something in the water... (Four Square) ~Even evil FBI agents let aliens get some sleep. (Max to the Max)

Season 1 From "The Pilot" � Outer space aliens have no rights if arrested. � Sniff seed oil if you're stressed. � Do not use "a muscular Beavis" or "a beefy Butthead" to describe suspects of a crime. � If you come in late for biology, you can still get a bathroom pass. From "The Morning After" � A good place to hide a key is in your lunch thermos. � The sum of the angles in a triangle is 180, not 360. � Czeckoslyvokia has not existed for 10 years. � A flat tire is a good excuse for explaining why you're still out after curfew. � You can just skip class periods any time you want so you can spy on a sub teacher and never get caught. From "Monsters" � All mom's do stupid things, say, like making cute alien keychains. � If you have car problems and get stuck on the side of the road, don't worry, someone will ALWAYS conveniently drive by and help you out. � Some people are just, like, pigs. � If you're shy or you keep secrets, just try to step from behind the tree. From "Leaving Normal" � A person full of life one day could be gone tommorrow. � It is necessary to restate your full name in each entry of your diary. � If you get beat up, the best thing to do is to do nothing and go on. � Image is everything. � Always follow your heart. From "285 South" � Watch "The View" and get in touch with your feminine side. � Aliens get hungry. � It's probably the best thing for your mother if she knows what species you are. From "River Dog" � Open aired vehicles probably aren't allowed to be on the road. � If you can't remember how something's drawn, draw it anyway. � If you give off vibes, you're a vibrator. From "Blood Brother" � Look in the wastebasket if you're trying to find info on someone. � When you're trying to tail someone, don't drive backwards. � When you're trying to actually help someone, try not to help them in a way that makes them think that you are a really weird person, like an FBI agent or something. � Musicians get the girls. � Wear your dang seatbelt when you drive or are in a car so you won't get seriously hurt in a car accident! From "Heat Wave" � Slugs can be gay!!! (Max said that, not me!) From "The Toy House" � Water will only spread a GREASE FIRE, so don't pretend to wash a grease fire out and put on a puppy face (and puppy ears) for your mother. � If you see a wounded bird, say, out in a park or something, don't pick it up and do something unusual like heal it or something. � You can't just solve a problem by waving your hand around. From "Into the Woods" � Never trust the law to share information. � Dad's gotta get better at the "privacy thing." � When there's no milk, use beer. � Don't talk in riddles! � When your paranoia schizophrenia kicks in, go to the bathroom and have a talk with yourself. From "The (UFO) Convention" � Don't be led around by your energy source. � When you start to see things all woozy, think about MUD. � All guys are so obsessive. If it's not football, then it's UFO's. From "Blind Date" � You can't break up if you weren't together in the first place. � A little swig of alcohol can make you go nutty for a while - so watch out! � What's so great about being normal? From "Independence Day" � When you're angry, throw rocks at a train. � You have to learn to just say no. � If someone bakes you a pie, you'd better eat all of it. � Swallow some "grief relief" when you feel that "feeling" coming on. From "Sexual Healing" � When somebody walks in the door, give them a nice, sweet strawberry. � People do a lot of dumb things when their drunk. � Hydrogen and Carbon are the simple basis of life forms in the universe. � Some red stars are really weak. � If you smooch and have a vision, look for glowing things on your body. From "Crazy" � When you buy your girl some body wash, get the kind that makes her skin soft. � When you buy your girl shampoo, don't get the generic kind. � Girls love surprises. � When somebody tells you not to tell something to anyone else at that moment, say "I need my jacket!" and go tell somebody. � You can never have too much sweet. From "Tess, Lies, and Videotape" � There are no such things as shape shifters. � Anything out there could be watching you...right now. � Things that are over 300 years old are not junk! From "Four Square" � You can never have enough sunshine!!! � Max doesn't need a babysitter - he needs a bodyguard. � Pay attention, there are signs everywhere. � The goal in life is to stay in control. From "Max to the Max" � You should be scared of smarter people. � When coffee gets that metallic taste, wash out the pot. � It doesn't matter if your shift is coming up during work - you can leave if it's a surprise. � If you can clean a coffeepot real good, try your truck next. From "The White Room" � When somebody gives you the choice of an easy or hard way, don't say "earth". � People always patrol in intervals. � The problem isn't that they're part alien - it's that they're part human, duh. � The only thing stopping you is yourself, so remember that. From "Destiny" � Whether you die tommorrow or 50 years later, your destiny will be the same. � You may be stronger than you think you are! � We don't tolerate secret-action-stuff-business in this country. � When you're trying to run away from someone, make lots of noise when you're going through a huge water pipe. season two From "Skin and Bones" � There are millions of teenagers with your problems. � It's all normal teenage stuff... � Aliens are apparantly a little "green around the gills." � It's never easy for anyone to kill a man. � Start reading the newspaper. � Don't grovel like a dog. � Why would a metal detector detect bones? � Don't leave a calling card when you're off somewhere breaking the law. � Bones don't melt. � You can never find those little pod people when you need them... � We are all in the dark, waiting to be attacked. � When doing a discreet thing, use really clunky cell phones with a loud ring. From "Ask Not" � When you have a bloody handprint on your chest, run around the city half naked for all to see. � Just hear the locusts in the night, like Kyle. � No conditions are permanent, and no conditions are reliable. � You're probably too young to be dust. � Don't you let any man/woman pull that crap on you! � The truth will set you free... � Here on Earth, we have a primitive concept called privacy. � Try and follow your heart; it's what all the great leaders do. � Note to self: Take more computer clesses. � Material possessions clutter the mind. From "Surprise" � Great leaders are allowed to say "ditto." � One nipple does not constitute as striptease. � It's okay to put Tabasco sauce in a birthday cake (don't forget the eggs). � Guys don't make cakes, period. � When you're not needed, go fill up the ketchup bottles. Then do the sugar. From "Harvest" � It's hard to run with your pants around your ankles. � Could things sound any creepier? � Scully and Mulder don't giggle, so shut up. � Aliens usually listen to the Backstreet Boys. � Why don't you just send parcels? Don't go there yourself. � Husks don't age. From "Wipeout!" � Drink orange juice to "get past it." � It's a circle of life. If you catch a fish, put it back. � To open the mind, burn some compost sticks (or whatever) and hang wind chimes in your backyard. � When you date Michael Guerin, prepare for some major vitamin intake. � What a drag - going to school on a Saturday? � Rule number one of war: keep your big mouth shut. From "Meet the Dupes" � [The Summit] don't want a numbuh two - they want thuh Royal Fo'. � Something burning so bright just burned out. � Don't forget the pepper jack.... � A person who doesn't get the cheese right doesn't deserve to live. � The Sheriff is cool, cuz he's thuh freaking man! From "Max in the City" � [Max] is the king of the world! Just not of this one. � Address your king as "Your Highness" when you need his signature. � Now, when you're the frickin king, you deserve New York's best pizza. And the other guy buys. � Space is, uh, what we call very, very, big. We can't just zip around like on Star Trek. From "A Roswell Christmas Carol" (The Miracle) � If you're going to get a significant present, steer clear of the hardware store. � When one's heart and one's mind aren't in balance, one's body is the first to fail. � An electric toothbrush is very practical. � You can never have enough Christmas ornaments! � If you're living somewhere, you probably need a damn chair. From "To Serve and Protect" � When there's crap on TV, go take a stroll. In people's dreams. � Romantic dreams CAN be boring. � Police work makes you old... � If you die, you can reincarnate into a gopher. � Buddha has a cell phone :) � There are simple rules in most homes: � Leave the toilet seat down, � Don't leave underwear on the floor, and � Pour milk in a glass to drink. � First get probable cause - then you can get a search warrant. � Sisters will yell at you, second guess you, and piss you off. � In the real world, we use names! � Molehills aren't straight lines. From "Disturbing Behavior" � When you're questioned by an FBI Agent, stare blankly ahead. � Roswell is a sick town... � You hurt everybody when you start bashing a CD player around. � If you lie to the FBI, you're in deep trouble. � You don't go camping without your long johns in February. � Parasites need something to feed on...but not your arm (it's not tasty enough). From "How the Other Half Lives" � It's a tragic when you get a spot on a cashmere turtleneck. � In your sophomore year, you rarely have to lie to authorities and to run from gunfire. � Always bring a cell phone in cast you get trapped in an undergroud cave with parasite-crystals. � Breathe shallow. � People with money tend to be threatned when it comes to things. � Life sucks, people suck - that's reality. From "Viva Las Vegas" � When you have a nightmare, hit the refrigerator! � Screw the plan, just go! � You don't build dreams with tainted money. � Create your own memories. � Blackjack requires knowledge of AP Statistics. � Boys are trapped in the world of armpit farts and Playstation. � As long as you stick together, you can make it. From "It's Too Late and It's Too Bad" � What's immoral is if someone kills another. � Without an application, 1s and 0s mean nothing! � Think about things in human terms after pondering in alien terms. � Some people would say congradulations... � Using a pick made from a bike spoke, you can pick a door lock by sticking it into a keyhole and jiggling it around. � Be a leader based on what is true, not what you want to be true. � It's hard being a leader when you have no followers. From "Baby, It's You" � Don't ever think that it "didn't go any further than that." � Aliens are the most pathetic people. � The most fulfilled are born with stones that turn into jewels. � You're doing something illegal? And? � Alien herpes are not the problem. � Take it ALL out on the trash cans. Season 3 From "Busted" � During a robbery, let your long hair dangle out of your mask and speak out so that witnesses will know that you're a girl. � Really, it's not that funny to take off your clothes. � If you go pretty far way, your high school grades won't transfer. � The aliens' ship is a lemon. � Don't be a smartass - it'll be a problem at school. � Don't say "We can't get caught." Because you will. � Got a diamond to hide? Try under a couch cushion. From "Michael, the Guys, and the Great Snapple Caper" � Slam the door once more, louder, to wake up a sleeping dad. � Don't say "chico" if you can't really pull it off. � The corporate of America sucks. � What it's all about - is principle. � Nobody fires an entire shift for stealing Snapple. From "Significant Others" � Life can be like the old movies. � When you're dead, you're beyond getting jealous. � Back on the throttle - that's good. � Wash your sheets. � You must be angry when you're making a cottage cheese milkshake. � People love you when you're happy. From "Secrets & Lies" � Don't smoke in the car. � It's nice to have your daddy as a lawyer. � Tell the truth, no matter how unpleasant it may be. � All you need is exposure. From "To Have and To Hold" � If the restaurant opens at 6:30, don't open it at 6:42. � Write down your dreams as soon as you wake up. � Even if you're the best man, be sure to get a sample of the groom's blood to make sure he's not an alien. � Your subconcious mind can screw you. � Friends help their friends. From "Interruptus" � Denial is a way of life. � Everything's going to be fine! � Sometimes, appetizers aren't a good idea...or maybe someone messed with your drink. � Focus, focus, focus on your honeymoon. � Seize the moment, take a chill - scubadive or something. From "Behind the Music" � You can't put your parents in danger. � Here on Earth, we have this thing called jealously... � Braces can work. � "Songwriters Workshop" sounds better than "Band Camp." � Sometimes tradition can wait. � Don't put dairy products in your meat. It's not kosher. � Sometimes you have to go after your dreams. From "Samuel Rising" � Don't starve yourself because you have a weird girlfriend. � Volunteering! It's a calling! � Stockings can be brown. � Elves just deal with annoying kids who want to cut the Santa line. � Mellow out for a Christmas tradition. � If you're an elf, fetch Snapple and give foot rubs for Santa. � Age difference might be a problem in a relationship. From "Graduation" � It's wrong to benefit in a ny way from someone else's passing... most of the time. � Although SAT words will drive you crazy, they'll help you in life. � The trouble with making plans for the future, even if you can see the future, is that fate has a way of intervening. � See what you want, and then go get it.

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