Another resolution to “The End of the World”
Of course I was watching lots of Roswell reruns because I was having withdrawal symptoms
since there had not been a new episode in almost two months. I had also been on the Internet a lot,
obsessing about the Max and Liz breakup that occurred in "End of the World." This dream clearly
took place after that episode. In the dream I was Liz but I was also myself.
Duality, suspension of disbelief, not a problem when I’m dreaming. lol
The Truth Will Set You Free
Dream from 12/13/01
I was driving to college with an old friend from high school, who I hadn’t seen in years. I was regretting that I had agreed to let her pick me up because she was telling me, at great length, how great her life had been after high school. First she told me about getting into a sorority and how popular she had become, going to great parties, meeting the rich and celebrities. She continued with how great it had been to move to LA where she had a great job, adoring men and lots of money. She basically was letting me know that she was perfectly content and my life sucked. I couldn't wait to get out the car and away from her.
We drove up the hill and I could finally see the campus. My class was in the Physics Building all the way at the top of the hill, surrounded on three sides by large trees and foliage. I got out of the car and practically ran into the building. It was good to get away from my ‘friend’ but I was not looking forward to going to class.
I had Physics with Max and he had been understandably hostile toward me since he ‘caught’ me in bed with Kyle. I had a hard time being in the same room with him, loving him the way I did and knowing he hated me. I walked slowly down the hall with a growing sense of dread. Things had been so bad between us lately. He would barely look in my direction and went out of his way to avoid any contact with me. I did not blame him for his actions. I knew better than anyone that he was totally justified, but it still hurt.
When I got to the classroom there was a note on the door saying the class was being taught in the covered patio area of the building. My heart jumped into my throat and I felt tears prick my eyes. I had not been on the patio since last fall. I had another class with Max last semester and a few times it had also been adjourned to the patio. It was on a hill that looked down into the trees. Max and I had sat on the edge of the concrete slab last fall and daydreamed about the forest and what it would look like when it was green in the spring. Making plans, thinking about a future together, but that had all been ripped away. I wiped at my eyes and walked quickly toward the patio willing myself to be strong.
I took a deep calming breath as I exited the building. It was the first sunny day since the winter and even though there was a lingering chill, it felt invigorating to be outside in the fresh air. I scanned the area and Max was not there yet, it was a small class and I could not miss him. I didn’t know whether I felt disappointed or relieved and before I could make up my mind he strode into the classroom. He was wearing his green T-shirt that showed off his toned arms and I was not able to take my eyes off of him.
I watched him look around until he spotted me. I felt like I had willed him to look at me and when his eyes met mine I felt a shock of electricity shoot down my spine. He smiled and walked toward me. My heart was beating a million miles and hour I could not believe it was really happening. His eyes never left mine as he approached. All of the sound faded into the background and all I could hear was the rapid beat of my heart. It seemed as if time slowed as he steadily approached. I thought he would never really reach me. For one brief moment I forgot about the reasons that we were apart and I expected him to sweep me into his arms, then the truth came rushing back and slapped me in the face like a bucket of cold water. He was not coming to me, he was simply walking in my direction. He stopped a few feet away and I quickly looked away as the teacher entered.
The teacher explained that we were being used as cheap labor for the day. Our assignment was to assemble some special worktables that the department had just purchased. We all agreed that it would be a nice change in the pace, since the class can get rather heavy. The teacher started pairing us up into teams of two and I just knew that I would be put with Max. In the past we had been partners and the teacher was just putting the usual people together. But Max took the decision away from the teacher by walking up and standing right next to me. I felt my breath catch in my throat as the teacher said Max and I were together. I glanced at Max and he was looking at me with an searing intensity that took my breath. The teacher was explaining that we some of the pieces were already in the room and the other pieces would be delivered when we needed them. He said we could just go ahead and get started and when we finished we could go. But I barely heard a word that he was saying, I was too lost in Max’s eyes.
My mind was racing with possibilities. What could Max be thinking? He had been avoiding me for weeks and now he was volunteering to work with me. My heart fell as I realized the reason. He had decided to put this whole thing behind him and move on with his life. I felt my heart break all over again and it was just as bad as the first time. I thought nothing could be worse than making him think that I had betrayed him but I was wrong. I would love him the rest of my life and he would just be indifferent to me. I didn’t know how I was going to be able to live like this. Just being this close to him was torture. How would I be able to bear him moving on with someone else?
I was totally detached from reality as I stood lost in my thoughts. I barely even noticed that Max had taken me by the elbow . I let myself be pulled to a work area nearest the edge of the patio, several stations away from the others.
Max did not take his eyes off of me and I was practically shaking from the emotions racing through me. He leaned close to me and said, "I know you didn’t sleep with Kyle. I know you set me up to keep us apart."
I wanted to shout, “Max doesn’t hate me!” I felt my heart filling with love for him but I gasped and quickly looked down at the ground, not knowing what to do. I wanted to deny what he said, tell him he was wrong but I knew that it wouldn’t do any good. He would know that I was lying. I was amazed that he hadn’t known before.
Finally I took a deep breath and said, "Yes, you’re right. I had to take drastic action to keep us apart." I dared to look into his face. "If you know the truth then you know that we can't be together."
He took a step closer and whispered, "No. All I know is that there’s no longer a reason for us to be apart. You were willing to sacrifice both of our happiness because you love me so much but we don't have to sacrifice ourselves." He reached up and touched my face. "We want to be together and we should be."
I was dying inside listening to him because I knew how much he loved me but we still couldn’t be together. I pulled his hand away from me and backed up a step, tears swimming in my eyes. "Max, you have no idea how much I want to be with you but everything depends on us staying away from each other. We can't be together. Please stop, it’s too hard."
I looked into his face and I saw hurt but I also saw determination. I had to get away from him. As he reached for me, I stepped around him and said, "We had better get started on our assignment."
I walked to some clamps on the wall and started assembling the light fixture that would attach to the table. I didn’t look to see where Max was but I could feel him right behind me. I wondered what he was doing but I did not want to see another hurt look on his face so I concentrated on the fixture. Many minutes went by and he did not speak. I dared a glance back as I ascended the stepladder, to get closer to the top of the fixture. Max was standing there, watching me, smiling. I could see the love shining from his eyes and I nearly missed my foothold. He was there instantly to steady me but I regained my footing and stepped up before he could touch me.
He hovered behind me because I was leaning at a precarious angle but he did not touch me. I tried to concentrate on what I was doing but I could feel his emotions as if they were my own. He was not going to give up. He loved me even more than he had before the Kyle incident. He wanted to touch me so badly, that he would even settle for steading me on the ladder, but he knew that I was afraid to let him back into my life. He would take things as slowly as he had to but he had decided that he wouldn’t let me push him away again. He would stay near me, make me feel his presence, make me remember how good it could be.
I shivered with dread knowing I would have to be stronger that I thought possible to stay away from him. How could I deny him when all I wanted was to be with him? I could feel his love, his frustration and his determination to make our situation work.
I could sense all of his feelings and thoughts and I knew without a doubt that I would never love anyone else in my life. I wanted to be with him so badly that I was aching inside but I could not let the world end just so I could be happy. I had to stay away from him.
Somewhat distractedly, I noticed that I had finished with the light. I was so deep in thought I didn't even remember doing it. I wondered briefly if it would work and I decided I didn't care.
I asked for the next set of parts to be brought in. Three big guys started dragging in the parts of the table and sat them down in our area. One of the guys was looking at me and smiling, obviously trying to flirt. I looked at him objectively. He was tall, dark hair, good looks and very built but all I found myself doing was comparing him to Max. I smiled and thanked him, not wanting to be rude, and turned away. This is how it would be the rest of my life, comparing every guy that I met to Max and none of them would even come close to the original.
Max saw me looking at the guy, his eyes met mine and he smiled. He knew what I had been thinking and he knew that he was starting to win. I quickly looked away so he couldn’t see the truth so easily. I grabbed for some parts and started reading the instructions, anything to avoid Max but he came over and started to read the instructions over my shoulder. He was so close that I could feel his breath on my neck. Just being that close to him was sending shivers all through me. I had to get away. I took a steadying breath, grabbed some parts and walked around to the other side of the table, needing the distance and a physical object between us.
We started assembling the support structure, which required us to work in close proximity to each other. He took every opportunity to brush against me or touch my hand while we were holding the pieces together. Whenever he touched my skin, electricity would shoot through me. He was forcing me to acknowledge his presence, to be aware of him and it was working. I was hyper-aware of his every movement, every breath. I could feel the heat from his body, I could smell the unique smell of him and I was dying to touch him, kiss him. He was driving me crazy. I tried to look at him as little as possible, knowing he would see the weakness in my resolve. I knew he was waiting for a sign from me. Any encouragement, any weakness at all and he would press his advantage. I was weakening rapidly just being near him again. I should never have told him that I still wanted to be with him. He wouldn’t be acting like this if I had not given him the opening. My heart had already betrayed me and brain was starting to get into the act. My mind was racing with the possibilities of how we could work this out and be together.
The assembly of the tables was fairly simple but we were slower than the rest of the class because I was trying not to get too close to Max. I didn’t want to let him see the hurt in my face and I definitely did not want him to touch me again. But I was aware of him every second though, where he was and what he was doing. I was watched his strong hands hammering and I noticed the way his muscles flexed as he lifted the heavy tabletop into place. He caught me looking at him several times and just smiled knowing he was getting to me.
It was taking every ounce of my concentration to focus on the job and stay away from Max. I didn’t even notice that the room was emptying rapidly as the other students finished their work and left. But Max noticed and he decided to take the opportunity to try again. We had been working almost in silence and I practically jumped when he started talking. "It is a beautiful day isn't it?” he started casually. “Not too cool and it is nice to have the sun out again."
I barely acknowledged him, nodding and not daring to look at him I kept my eyes on my work. I knew he was watching me.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw him stand up and wander over to the edge of the platform. Since his back was to me, I allowed my eyes to follow his movement, caressing his form with my gaze. He stood with his back to me, looking out into the trees and spoke. "The trees and everything are getting so green. Remember last year when we stood here and looked down the hill at that grove of trees. We were so full of plans for the future."
His voice was so soft so soothing, I felt myself being drawn to him. He continued, " We spoke of building an enormous tree house that would lift us up into the cool beauty and peace of the trees. No one else would even know that we were there, it would be our own private retreat. It would sway gently in the breezes of the summer, keeping us cool in the intense heat."
I stood and slowly walked toward him, almost in a trance. I stopped beside him but several feet away.
Max glanced in my direction but did not move toward me.
"I remember," I said, gazing down toward the grove. "I always loved it in the woods. And you know I am not really a sun person." I finished lamely and looked toward him.
He turned toward me and smiled. "I know." He took the advantage of the weakening of my defenses and took a couple of steps toward me, reaching out.
I took a couple of steps back, careful to avoid his arms but he didn't stop, he kept coming and before I knew what was happening he was sliding his arms around my waist. I felt electricity going through my body where he touched me and gasped in surprise. I looked into his face and he pulled me closer to him, smiling. He knew the effect he was having on me and he wasn't going to let me get the upper hand. I reached out and put my hands on his chest wanting to push him away but I did not have the strength to do it.
"We can't do this." I whispered, but I knew that I didn't mean it. My heart was racing and I was trying to slow my rapid breathing but it was impossible. I could feel every cell in my body humming with the excitement of just having him near, of being in his arms again. I could feel the love pouring from his soul, the longing to have me in his life again. I was fighting a losing battle. Somewhere deep in my mind a voice cried out telling me to get away from him but it was already too late. I was his again.
I decided to do something that I had been dying to do since I saw him that morning. I reached up and touched his arms, starting at the elbow and slowly traced the planes and curves of his bulging muscles with my hands up to his shoulders, reveling in the shapes and the textures. I felt him shudder under my touch and a jolt of satiation shot through me. I looked into his eyes and saw the love that he didn’t try to disguise. I wrapped my arms around his neck and let myself melt into him.
I could feel one of his hands moving up my back, leaving a trail of fire to my neck. He gently leaned me back, cradling my head and kissed my neck. I gasped from the sensation of having his lips on me again. He continued to kiss my neck, slowly at first and then harder and more rapidly, knowing that it would bring down all of my defenses. I could feel the strength and the fight leaving my body. I was becoming as limp as a rag doll in his arms but he didn't stop. His lips were mesmerizing, the sensation was overwhelming, my head hung back being supported only by his arms. I couldn’t think any more, I was only aware of the feeling of his lips on me, the shudders that they sent through me. Then I felt his lips on mine and I kissed him with all of the love I had been withholding.
After what seemed like an eternity, but also not long enough, Max gently pulled away from me, holding my head in his hands, looked deep into my eyes and said, “Promise me right now that you won’t let anything ever come between us again. Promise me that we will always fight to stay together and we will never keep secrets from each other again.”
At that moment I would have promised him anything I was so overwhelmed by his love. “I promise.”
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